Align my thoughts

Melissa and I are going to date, unless something drastic changes.  I have been surprisingly quiet with my friends about this possibility.  For some reason, I have felt it more necessary to bring it to God than to my friends.  I am very motivated at the moment to get my life in check with God.  Because I realize that ultimately, I should be getting back into the word and devotional life for myself and God, I will be praying that God will switch my motivation to that.

It is crazy how quickly 2 people can fall for each other.  I seriously want to wait anymore, but know that in a relationship that could be serious and long-term and could end in marriage, small careful steps is appropriate and taking things carefully is needed.  I need to be a good leader and decision maker in this process.

I'm really not exactly sure what to do next, I should be praying.  I think it would be unfair to continue to spend time with her and talk as deeply with her as I have been without a commitment, which I feel I am in the place to give.  But, we need to probably meet more of my friends and her friends and spend some time with some other people together so that we see each other in our social lives.  I'll talk to her about it sometime soon.

Michelle called me.  She is still going to help me plan:  Thank God.  Also, I am still going out to camp today to do a tour and to show Fred our plans for the race.  I'll probably show up for the kids rodeo as well which starts at 3.  Well, that is it for now... just a quick need to align my thoughts for today.

Changes in the wind...

Well, I have a couple of things to address:

First, the visit from Mike, Kindra, and Peyton.  Peyton is one of the cutest kids I have ever seen... We went out for dinner, and I had no idea what to expect going in.  Mike was my best friend for my first few years at Taylor, but when he started dating my ex-girlfriend, we kind of quickly ran out of conversation material.  So, when they said they wanted to come visit, I wasn't sure what to expect.  I had seen Kindra once since we had broken up, and it was extremely awkward at the time.  They came on Wednesday.  It turned out, it was like catching up with old friends.  Kindra even brought up the Winnie the Pooh prank, and we laughed about it a bit.  Long story short, I feel like I reconnected with a couple of friends.  Going in, I knew it would either be like that or super awkward and the end of a friendship.  I'm glad it went the way it did...

I recently cancelled my trip to Newfoundland.  After talking to Robyn, I realized that if I am going to drop $600 on a trip, I want it to be full of adventure and excitement and have good times with people who want to be around me.  That was no longer going to happen for various reasons that I won't get into.  Anyways, I now have to decide what to do with that week that I took off.  Should I just work?  Should I travel somewhere else?  I guess I'll just have to go with my gut.  I'm not sure what it is telling me.  It makes me a little sad that I can't go have the adventure I thought I was going to have...  Oh well, what can I do?

Last night, I read a message from Michelle, who I've been working on the Amazing race with, and she just out of the blue decided that she can't afford to take a week off and needs to work to pay back her parents some money.  This is scary for me.  It kind of leaves me in charge of the Amazing race and Evening program on my own.  Up until now, I was kind of along for the ride, and was going to be able to take on the responsibilities of in the moment explanations and back-up leadership.  I am quite scared and realize that I am going to have to rely on God now to get thru this.  I'm not sure even where to start.  We were supposed to be going out to camp tomorrow to tour the course of the race, I guess I may still have to get out there alone, and get on things.

On a positive note, I had a pre-dating date with Melissa on Thursday starting right after work.  We went for a walk, ate left-overs at my place, and then chatted until about 11.  We haven't scared each other off, and I am really enjoying spending time with her.  Her character is godly.  This is a woman who deserves the best.  She also really likes me, it seems, and manages to encourage me a ton.  I also met up with her yesterday after work.  She was out with her ex-roommate and the girl she was out with wanted to meet me.  So, I came by and hung out for a bit.  Melissa was a bit apologetic to me, because her old roommate tried to grill me a bit.  She didn't need to apologize.  I really enjoy spur of the moment things and off the cuff, thinking on my feet, conversations.

So, in conclusion, my day off today will involve lots of thinking, planning, and preparation for what God has in store for me over this summer:

"I need to rely on You, God, thru the good times, the bad times, and the ugly times.  You alone grant grace and mercy and I pray that you grant me both in the months ahead."

I also checked out a sermon series that I should footnote here so that others can check it out.  I watched the first sermon, and plan on watching the other 10 sometime soon.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess

it is a good site so far.  Anyways, signing off for now.

Long weekend to remember

Well, this is probably one of the best long weekends that I have ever had...

It began with the rehearsal on Friday, the wedding on Saturday, the gift opening on Sunday.  After that I spent some time with some cousins I hadn't seen in a while, some friends who appreciate me and a day of staying in bed until 10:30, playing a game of Catan over at Melissa's, seeing Wolverine, and eating at Eastside Mario's.  That, in my opinion, makes for a pretty stinking good long weekend.

I have to get up by 6 tomorrow again, and back to work and done with the fun, but I do need to update a few things.  First, it seems like Robyn has dropped off the face of the planet.  I hear a tidbit every once in a while, but I have no idea if she is still down for me coming to visit.  Second, I guess I'm waiting until after my trip to NL, but I think I may end up pursuing a deeper relationship with Melissa.  I am really enjoying spending time with her and she really has a great attitude about life.  I'm pretty tired now, so this is all, but maybe I'll get some more in tomorrow.

Ps. Looking forward to Bible shopping with Bailey tomorrow.  Nothing is better than a really good Bible.

Exams were passed...

So today, was a good day!  My job at the church, it turns out, is going to be mostly outdoor maintenance.  I get to make the place look better from the outside.  This excites me because I should get to work outside a lot.  It also means I should be getting a lot of exercise and sun.

Next topic:  I passed all of my classes!!!  I got a B, a C+, and a C-.  Those are all passing marks.  Now granted, you always want to do a little better than a C-, but under the circumstances leading up to my finals, I will gladly take a pass.  So now, what remains is a visit to the school to assign some classes from my transfer to my program, and to make sure student loans board knows that I am going back to school in the fall.

I had an interesting offer today.  Melynda asked if I would be willing to move in with her and Rachel in the case that her brother moves out.  She was part serious, but there is still a lot of thinking that would have to go into a decision like that... including a consultation with Rachel.  I never expected any kind of offer like that, and so I really didn't know what to say at the initial suggestion.  I know what it could look like, and considering the history I have with Rachel, it may not be the wisest move for me.  However, I don't have to say yes or no to that right now.  There is a lot of life to live before that kind of decision has to be made.

Other thoughts... I think I may have been sun-burned today.  My head is really hot.  I have no idea where Robyn and I stand.  She hasn't been communicating with me hardly at all... although, she is spending a last hurrah! with her Newfie friends.  I feel quite busy still, and yet every night that I don't have anything planned, I wish that I did.  Hopefully worship practice will end soon and I will be able to go out with those folks.  It feels really hot in here.  I feel good from all the exercise I got today.  Peace!

Goodbye Grandma!

Well, I'm back from Sask.  It was a really different funeral for me.  I had done all of my crying beforehand.  My grandmother was in a lot of pain, and I'm glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore.  I know she is in a better place.  I kind of feel like she was being tortured.  She was trapped in her body as it was slowly breaking down, and there was no escape.  I saw her for years constantly struggling with how to cope with life like that.  In the end she was a little cookoo, and I don't blame her.  I think I would have been too.

Tomorrow, I start work.  I need to be there at 7:00am.  That is early.  However, I am a morning person.  I will probably wake around 6:00am which should give me enough time to get to work.  This is pretty exciting.

I've been meeting new people lately which is always a thrill for me.  I like to meet new people, and see who they are and I always think about how I can positively influence people who I meet.  Every once in a while, there is someone I meet who kind of stands out as someone worth getting to know better and more personally.  I wonder if it is that way for everyone?  I wonder if people think that about me.  I hope so.  I hope that there are people out there who meet me and think it is worth getting to know me better and find me intriguing and wonder how they can positively effect my life.  I know that tons of people remember me.  I guess I'm just memorable.

I had a good hair day!  I haven't had one of those in a while.  I think the key was not brushing my hair.  Anyways,  I guess that is it for now.  I should get some sleep.  Goodbye Grandma!!

My weekend...

So, I spent some time yesterday reading over my old posts.  I have been thru a lot of stuff since Taylor.  I can be pretty dramatic too.  Isn't is funny how people can deal with something, and forget they did.  I also really needed to address the topic of women a lot.  I'm going to go ahead and be done with that for now.

Today, is a big day for my brother.  We are having a wedding party football party and then we are having a bachelor party for my brother.  Initially, I was supposed to be in charge of that; however, some of the other groomsmen took it on eventually.  I was going thru some rough stuff and they picked up the slack.  I really need to thank those guys.

Anyways, once that is done, we are planning on leaving for Saskatchewan tomorrow.   I am on the list of drivers for the rented minivan, so I will be doing lots of driving.  We should get back on Tuesday.  I hung out with an old friend from Taylor, and it was so good to catch up.  She really has turned into a great person.  I hope we stay in touch (should be easier since she is in Calgary).

I'm a pretty strong guy, and the idea that stuff I do in my daily life is worth doing, makes my life worth living.  It doesn't always seem like that, but if it got away from that, it would be a lot harder to keep going on and pushing forward.

One comment:  I recently realized, I need to leave Robyn alone.  I am a great catch, and it is up to her or some other girl to realize that.  She is missing out.

I have really enjoyed hanging out with the friends a lot more.  We've been having a lot of fun...

I guess this is it until I get back from Sask.

Peace, love, and joy!!

Semi-Freedom

Well, hello again people.  I wrote my last exam for the semester!  Woohoo!  Boy it feels good to get that out of my mind and behind me.  My next week coming up here is really busy, so I need to make the most of today for rest.

Last night, I woke up at 3:45 in the morning.  I think I went to sleep before midnight.  Maybe that was the problem.  Anyways, I spent some time with God and in God's word because, honestly, there was nobody else up.  What are you supposed to do with that?  I read some Bible and truth and prayed to God until I fell back asleep.  It was real different and genuine.  I felt like without saying anything really, I was just kind of opening up my mind to God and allowing Him to see what was in it and do a little of what he wanted with it.

I think we as humans don't give God enough freedom to have his way in our minds sometimes.  We are too worried about things and kind of close God out of it.  Last night was different.  I felt like I was open to what God might try to tell me and I managed to not get distracted by other things...  If you are a guy, you know what I am talking about.

So someday, I think I will go into some detail about what guys face everyday.  Not today.

I'm hoping that today turns out well.  I'm hoping to get together for coffee with an old friend from Taylor.  Peace.

Another random update

So, I have one exam left, at the end of my first year in taking my Math degree!!  I realize that the blog I wrote quite a while ago, when I was 24, was right.  I have progressed well beyond the 21 year old version of University.  Man, I show up in time for class, and leave as soon as I am done.  I don't want to be a part of the University culture, and I don't feel bad about it at all.

The truth is:

It is necessary for me to take and pass these tests in order for me to become a teacher someday.

Did I just say that????

Yes, for the past year and a bit, I have known what I want to do!!  I want to be a teacher!! Preferably, a High School Math teacher.

I know that I still have some years to go before I get there, but I really think that is the best place for me to start.  I want to have the time and venue to not only teach kids some math skills, but to teach some kids life skills and be able to be an example for them.

It is amazing what having that kind of a direction in your life can do for you.  At the moment, I tutor a grade 10 math student.  Next year, I think I may get some more students to teach.  I feel good about what I'm up to, and I'm not always questioning my every move.  I know it may take time and effort, and I may not start teaching until I'm 30ish, but it will be worth it.  It will be worth it for me and it will be worth it for the kids.

Bonus:  I still get to volunteer at camp in the summer!!

In other news, I recently had a really great relationship with a really special woman.  Her name is Robyn.  Now, unfortunately, we had to break up.  It was rushed and our lives are headed in different directions.  However, that was the first time in a long time that I have been able to commit that deeply to a relationship.  My heart and soul was behind it.  I was all out and was working through some fears and issues that were obviously there.

In another note, we didn't doing anything regrettable in our time together.  It was healthy and respectful.  I realized, again, that I am a pretty good catch, and that waiting for those extremely special women who make your heart leap is worth it.  Also, I realized, that it is when you aren't looking for anything and you aren't reaching and hanging on for dear life, that God puts those people there.

The last 3 weeks or so... were really tough for me.  I was sad and depressed would be a good way to describe it.  On top of the break-up, my grandma died.  I wish I could have said some last words to her.  However, I have snapped out of that funk and am thru my 2 worst exams of the semester.  Life is looking pretty bright and promising, and I know that God has a plan for me and I can't wait to see what it involves.  Well, that is all for now!!

Guess who's back!! Wisdom about speeches

Hey, finally got things with Blogger and Google all worked out again... I wrote something very enlightening to someone earlier today, so I figured I should copy it and share it... It has to do with making speeches and talking in front of people:

I guess that being opinionated makes for a good speaker.  If you don't have an opinion, then it is hard to speak.  If you worry that your opinion might not be right, then you lack confidence in your opinion or you need more information to get a more solid opinion.  Also, if you share your opinion, you need to be willing to change your opinion if you can be convinced that you opinion is not correct.  That is why I speak at least.  Actually, I only really speak up on stuff that I deem worth arguing about... usually when I have a strong opinion or I think that I don't understand something.  Then I will either ask questions or make an argument.  There also needs to be a time where you have to agree to disagree.  That often comes when you are doing a speech.  If you are certain about something say it with conviction; however, if you aren't, then explain that you aren't quite sure, or this is what you have pieced together, or this is your opinion so far.  That way people won't feel offended by you or if you are wrong, someone can fee open to pointing it out.  My best speeches have all been like that.  Also, if you speak from experience, people can usually only respond by sharing their own experience, and then a discussion can happen on what about the experiences has shaped the opinions...

I might actually sound brilliant here... I don't know if I'e ever consciously thought it all thru before. 

A briefing

Hey... from the Ben side of things... The last University group for a while came this weekend. It was a real blast. I was mildly surprised by Megan showing up... but aside from that it was fun. It has been a lot of work at my job over the past week. Getting back into the groove of working lots of hours all the time. Today I drove 3 hay-rides, 2 of which got stuck. It turned out well though. Then I had to make an instant fire outdoors because the contact person all of a sudden decided the outdoor experience would be more fun. I'm not trying to complain though. I love my job and the spontenaity of it. I work hard and play hard when there is an opportunity. My cough hasn't gone away, but it hasn't gotten a lot worse either. The inhaler hasn't really helped. I froze my toes Friday night and they still feel frost-bitten. I am going to be meeting with Fred, one of the management team to discuss girls with him. Maybe he will have some good insight or advice for me. I went bareback riding on Sunday and have regretted it ever since. My butt hurts so bad. Everyone tells me to suck it up though so maybe I am just a big baby... whah!! Anyways, this will be short I think, just thought I would update on how my life is going. Catch ya'll later..

Older than I realized, could be good...!

You want to know what is weird? This weekend, there is a bunch of university kids from the U of L at Pioneer. The weird part is that the oldest ones are maybe 21 years old in their 4th year of University. That is young man. I'm 24 and have progressed quite a bit beyond the University mindset I am quickly realizing. I am actually trying to have my life take some meaning rather than spending hours and days and months and years in school with a distant goal I am trying to achieve. It makes it a lot easier to not even consider flirting with the girls which is a good thing, but it is rather weird to see such yound people out of high school.

Do you want some advice? Probably not, but I'll give you some anyway. Don't spray your hair products in your room. It makes your room unapproachable. Also, if you want to keep guys away from your room, do spray hair products in your room. The tremendous smell of that stuff stinks to high heaven. It is creepying down the hallway. I am scared it is going to invade my room. Haha. I am feeling in a really weird mood right now. I am kind of content with my lot today. I like a girl who is willing to hang out with me because we are friends. I haven't said a thing yet. That time may come, but it won't be an awkward transition when I do because I'm not going to say anything until we are already super close.

Today, this girl I like came and complained to me about the people who are here and how she just doesn't have anything in common to talk about with them. Score... I don't have any reason to feel threatened at all by these guys. Otherwise a little bit of jealousy might creep out of me and I might be a little edgy. As it is, I don't worry at all. So, I don't know what else to say so I leave it short and sweet. If you read this, cool, let me know just so I know if someone is reading this stuff. Take care, Ben

Back to God

It has been hard reading the Bible recently for me. I still haven't completely committed myself to God's plans for me. I've feel like I have lost some of my wisdom. People are thinking for themselves more and seem to have been able to accomplish what I set out to accomplish a long time ago. I wanted to dedicate myself completely to God and his work and yet have found myself being selfish and going after what I want. I rely on God to provide me opportunities to move me from step to step. The thing is that I am worrying if I will ever be able to move past the stage in my life that I am in. I am worried about what I am to become. Why? Because I am not trusting God enough. I am not relying on God to lead me daily. I am relying on my own knowledge and decisions. Out at this new camp, I am not seen as a servant of God... At least I don't see myself that way all the time. I have been melicious and selfish. I have been angry, grumpy, loud, abnoxious and rude. I have steered clear of my God. I used to talk about Him all the time and now I don't know him well enough to talk about Him clearly. I don't pay Him attention. I should. I really should. He needs to be personal again.
I left my X-box at home so that it wouldn't distract me out here at camp any more, but I still have books and people to distract me. I still have music and day-dreaming to keep my mind off God. Please forgive me God. Help me to meet with you again!!

The Comeback

Well, it has been so long since I wrote something on here that everyone has probably forgotten that it exists. Oh well... Anyways, I have no idea why I began writing today. Bored... feel like I have neglected my friends who used to read this thing. The truth is I am still growing and changing. I still have no idea where life is going to take me.... surprise !? I am faced with a problem regarding this summer. I am looking at staying at Pioneer Ranch Camps for the Summer. I would be the Climbing Wall supervisor... yikes. I would get trained to operate it, and would do a good job. The problem is... I love Camp Caroline. I would love to go back and work at that camp. They love me, I love them, and I feel comfortable there. Is a forth summer at that camp going to be worth anything though? The problem isn't just at that level, it is at a heart level. I don't know if my heart would be there if I went back this summer. I don't know if it will be at Pioneer Ranch either.
The big problem is that at this moment, my heart is being tugged by a person. She doesn't know it and I am not about to act on it. With the potential of working with someone for the next 8 months... a dating relationship seems well out of place. A fallout from something like that could make my remaining time out here pretty awkward and crappy. The other problem with that proposal is that I have no idea how she feels toward me. I know that I am pretty likeable and datable, but I really know how this person thinks or feels in regards to me.
I have been completely avoided this topic with anyone most of the time. I just need to throw something out there in the form of this blog. I still have trouble finding anybody who I can remotely feel that I can trust completely. Someone who will connect with me and try to understand me. Someone who won't judge me. I have weird ideas and some aren't logical and I need someone to stand by me and listen and let me know that it is okay to think the way that I think. I think this girl who I like could be someone like that if she decided to be. I think the person who I end up with for my life will be like that. I like to listen to her and she is smart and quick on her toes. I think this thing will develop over time, but we will see what happens. If you want to, you can pray for me. Pray for my growing process and my patience. Also, the friends I have through TEC are important to me. I am almost never there anymore, but I made some good friends through that place and I feel the need to let them know that they do matter to me. That was an important part of my life that I will not forget. God bless all!!

Pretty damn bad day!

Well… it has been a pretty junky day emotionally. How does one explain how I feel. I didn’t like myself today. Does that make sense? I wasn’t feeling comfortable with my actions and I wasn’t feeling in my heart at all. Pretty much everything I did today was to maintain image. Maintain my reputation. Honestly, I didn’t feel like working today. I didn’t feel like hanging out with the kids or with Melynda and Christine. I didn’t feel like hanging out with anyone else either. It didn’t help that the kids were a pain in the neck today. I was grumpy and they were out of control and are lucky that I don’t know really how to lose it or how to give someone a tongue lashing because I would have. The flames lost with the same kind of intensity that I felt today. Trying, but behind and demoralized. They weren’t at their best. I guess overall I just felt really crappy today. A shout out for all who are out there and feeling like I don’t really care. I know I care deep down somewhere, I’m just not finding it at the moment. I think that God has some chizzling to do on my heart somewhere deep down. I was pretty flat out bummed and angry today. I don’t know what should be done about it. I’m out!!

My complaint!

So, what is it like when I try to put the idea of dating and girlfriends on the shelf for a little while? People push the issue. People want to talk about dating, and expectations, and guys vs. girls, and who I should marry. They all want to give their two cents about who likes me or who doesn’t. I like Muffin, he isn’t like that and it is kind of nice. Anyways, how do approach a person who you like, and what do you tell a person that likes you who you don’t like in return. Honesty. Be honest, the worst thing that can happen is that the person won’t feel the same way and you can at least move on from there. There is always the issue of how do you move on from someone who you think was the perfect person for you. Actually one thing I have noticed is that once someone doesn’t return the love, you start noticing things about them that makes you think you are better off not having dated them or now that you have broken up. Now, sometimes the person is ready and has prepared some thoughts on the circumstance, and sometimes that person isn’t ready and will need some time. The truth is that it is not better to let something go and let is slip by than to be honest and straightforward. It does take guts mind you. Often the dream is good enough. The truth is that the time will come when it isn’t good enough and it sucks if you have been dreaming that dream for 5 ½ years and it is popped. Honestly, from my side, I am still trying to convince everyone who asks me that I am not trying to pursue anyone. I don’t like to pursue someone unless I am pretty clear in my own mind that I do at least like them and have an attraction. Now, sometimes you get pursuing someone and they like you to and you start seeing more of eachother and maybe start dating, and then you realize, this isn’t the person for me. Something this person does or is or says bothers me or makes me feel uncomfortable and you need to let it go. So you break it up, and sometimes you explain exactly why and sometimes you don’t. The truth is that sometimes, if you do tell them exactly why they will try to change it and get you back. But that isn’t what you want. In your mind, this person is cool the way they are, just not for you. Or sometimes, you are kind of unclear on why you want to break up and give the general reason. I am uncomfortable around you when we are dating, and I just don’t see this developping farther. You say this because you think they are awesome the way they are, just not for you. Now, anyways, I was saying I’m trying to put girls on the shelf. That is hard when the majority of conversations you have focus on them. This makes it so that a lot of my time is spent trying to not think about girls or just thinking about them. I still remain at the same conclusion for my life right now. I am unclear on if there is any girls I want to pursue. I definitely know there is quality girls around, I just want to be clear on my own thoughts before I start going after a girl again. I just wish that I could put girls, I mean women!! Out of my mind. I have some other things to be pursuing at the moment and would love to just put a hold on that female aspect of my life… I guess we will see where that goes. Have a good week all!!

Feeling sick, and it is late!

Hi, well, it has been a long weekend. It was good, and I did a lot of pastor-type work. Today, however, I started feeling gross and sick. I also started questioning my idea about becoming an intern youth pastor at Grace Baptist. Maybe I’m not supposed to be here. Don’t get me wrong. Good things are happening, but maybe I’m not supposed to get involved with the youth here. Maybe I’m not supposed to be a youth pastor. Maybe I am supposed to be a lay leader. The truth is though, I am worried about getting used up or used to a point of being drained. That is why I like the idea of being paid for the ministry stuff that I do. The problem is that I am confused still. My focus 3 training and my community learning time is telling me a lot of stuff about how a person should be and how we should relate to the community and church. It is making me question again whether I should even be a pastor. I usually know for sure what God wants for me, but this time I am not so sure. Have you ever thought about pulling away from a position that you fill just to see if you are needed, or if you are needed so that people will notice and maybe be willing to pay you for your time and service? I kind of feel like I would like to just pull away from things that I do, and see if any of those places actually needs or wants me. Maybe even to see if God wants or needs me… I am tired, I would love to talk but I have to be at my mom’s work by 7 am for dentist work and so I should sleep. Goodnight everyone…. God bless you!!!

Reflections.... guys....

Hi people who read this. I think I am going to begin with a shout-out to all the sweet girls out there who are waiting around for the right man to come along and be the right man for them. God bless all of you. To the women out there who are settling for idiots, it certainly isn’t helping your sisters out there find a decent man. As long as guys can still get girls treating them like crap, there is gonna be a lot of fewer of the good brand of guys around. Word to my fellows as well who are treating women properly. Stick with it sirs. Persevere through getting hurt, and persevere treating women the way they definitely deserve to be treated. It takes time for women to realize that there is guys out there who don’t want to treat them like crap, and can be good for hanging out with. Where would I place myself on this list? Where would you place me on this divide?
What should I begin with now? I think I should just get into the current fears and struggles I am having. I guess I could really begin by claiming my insecurities. I really don’t think I’m good looking, and that is a real big problem for me. I also know that I am kind of nerdy at times. This still puts a big downer on my tackling of challenges and fears. Insecurity is a huge problem for anyone. For those of you who have it, you know what I mean. What else? I have been trampled in a previous relationship and am utterly scared of being put in that position again. Some girls see insecurity and take advantage, I don’t want that to be me. Actually, I have kind of decided to just go for friends right now. I don’t want to be officially committing to liking anybody right now. As soon as a guy commits to even liking a girl, people start pressuring and expecting action to follow. Committing to officially like someone starts a snowball rolling that turns into an avalanche if you are a guy. Guys these days have been put in a place of you either need to not care, or you need to be really careful about everything you do. If a guy is careful about 98% of the girls they meet and aware of how they are treating them and about the honesty factor and slip on that 2%, guess what they hear about? From the unlucky one who gets hurt out of it, and their friends, and outsiders looking in. They get torn down. “What an awful guy, he hurt me, led me on, said something that made me feel bad about myself, looked at me the wrong way, responded the wrong way, didn’t call me, didn’t hug me before he left, didn’t know I was into him, or is just plain having a guy moment and is dumb!” “He is such a guy, meets our low expectations of how guys are, those low-lifes.” I try to laugh these comments off, but I think it has become time for girls to grow up in the area of accepting and understanding. Realizing that guys forget, they change their minds, they think, they like jokes, they like doing dumb things, they even like to embarrass themselves every once in a while. They are visual, they do enjoy mindless games and time to just forget and zone out of what is going on around them. Guys also sometimes like to take some time and seek what God has in store for them and are often willing to wait around for awhile and see what that is without making a hasty decision or claim. Sometimes they don’t want to have to be clear about their intentions or their feelings cause they aren’t always sure. Guys can disconect easily from something. Guys feelings are mysterious even to them half the time. They don’t always think before they talk. They are genuinely interested in sports usually. They like to do things they are good at, and see giving a lot of effort and passion into something as serving God. Especially if they think they are good at it. They also feel a lot of pressure from outside to be confident, secure, have goal, and be persevering through adversity. A lot of guys honestly put on a front that they are calm, cool, collected, and have things under control. Usually they don’t, Anyways, that is it for now. I’ll talk more again later, Ben

A day's thoughts

So Hello, You are actually going to get what I write, cause I am writing it in word first. Recently, I have been becoming more convinced that I need to be at my own church. I actually think that I need to get involved as an intern pastor at my church. The small group that I partially lead is learning how to demonstrate true community. Have you ever seen true community demonstrated? They have so many plans and ambitions. They want to see people come to the Lord, and people grow, and they want to meet God more intimately and closely than before. Boy do they have me excited. Despite a set back that has us trying to come up with a different service project, they have maintained a positive attitude. Anyways, you probably want to hear about me. Well, as you probably know, there are a lot of girls who are important to me in my life. I listed them in my initial blog. They are getting through life, trying to find love and happiness and the majority of them are trying to serve God as well. The truth about my dating world is that whenever I have gotten close to any of them, in a dating sense, my priorities quickly place God in at least a second place. It has become easier over time for me to realize what is going on. The last break-up I had was pretty much a result of that realization. The truth of the matter is, despite my desire and feeling of need for having a girl in my life, it truly becomes a distraction for me everytime. I need to learn how to follow God whole-heartedly. He loves me, and only when I am close on His heels am I going to feel the fulfillment which I desire in serving God. Does that mean that I want to be celebate or think that is a possibility. Well obviously, it is a possibility, but the truth is that I think God is just going to put the right girl in place for me when the time is right. I think the test He is placing me in is whether I am able to continue seeking Him. Will I sacrifice everything to follow His leading for me? And do I care about those girls, heck yes! And is there a want inside of me to be with a super-hot woman? Yeah, there is! But we will see what God does for me. He knows me best. He knows how my mind words and my thoughts about women. There are things that I have looked for previously in women whom I have dated and met, and there is things that I avoid, but I am also slowly being transformed into one who sees beauty through God’s eyes and am able to see girls, and anybody the way God sees them. My heart is beginning to burn with compassion, if I let God continue to work in me. My job at camp is going to be exciting, and I hope to be completely focused on God and His view on the campers and the staff.

On a different note, I also need to see myself the way God sees me. I am often really critical of myself and my downfalls. Feelings of uselessness often come into my mind. God has given me a gift, and I am just nervous about how God is going to use me. I think I know what He is calling me to do, but I am not sure. It is a dream and a vision that I have. I am speaking with Jason Frizzell tomorrow and am wondering what he is going to suggest to me. Pray for me if you read this before then. Also pray that I will be motivated to actually seek a place where God wants to use me and the gifts he has given me. I don’t want to settle for the first place that offers me, but I want to be at a place where I am being called and can actively make a difference in people’s lives. Thank you God for this dream you have placed on my mind.
One other thing, pray that I will remain focused on God and put thoughts of Kim somewhere else. It is hard to know that you should be over someone and just can’t necessarily forget them when they come back into your path as someone who is attractive to you again. I need to leave that kind of stuff to God’s timing and see what He does in my future. I guess I’m done, maybe more some other time… Ben

I hate this site and my computer

Breaking ties is awful!

Hey, I know that I don't blog much. I guess this blog has become something for me to make hard decisions and statements with. The truth is that I have been feeling less and less easy about my relationship with Meghan. She is still a nice girl, and I do care about her health and her safety, it just doesn't seem to be right. How does someone tell another that. That is the age old question. How can you share a special time with someone and sever it. How can someone coexist with someone else who rejected them. How can you tell someone that they are wrong for you? I don't care enough, and I have tried to be honest about that, but I have emotion problems. I don't really know how I feel and that really scares me and I don't think that I should be putting another through that. I also don't know what I am doing. She is scared of being rejected, so I am her nightmare come true. What an idiot... I guess I can apologize. I told her 3 days ago that I wasn't planning on breaking up and that I just needed a lot more time to think about it. Well, these 3 days seem to have done it. The time away, and the time to hang out with some other friends who I really do care about has really highlighted for me the emotions that I don't have for Meghan. Maybe I feel more emotion than I give myself credit for, I just don't have emotions for her. I think it took that time away in Edmonton for me to realize that though. ARGH.! Why can't I just find the one? Why can't I just listen to God and follow Him? Why do I get myself into these situations so I had to get myself out? Or did God get me into this so that He could get me out? I will be praying beofre I speak to Meghan, but in the meantime, I think I am going to have to break up with her. It is going to hurt her, and I hate inflicting that kind of pain on anyone. I think there is still girls out there who are still raw about rejection. Anyways, I'm gonna be saving this until I can actually talk to her, so I can do it in person. Alrighty, good night everyone... except me!!