A day's thoughts

So Hello, You are actually going to get what I write, cause I am writing it in word first. Recently, I have been becoming more convinced that I need to be at my own church. I actually think that I need to get involved as an intern pastor at my church. The small group that I partially lead is learning how to demonstrate true community. Have you ever seen true community demonstrated? They have so many plans and ambitions. They want to see people come to the Lord, and people grow, and they want to meet God more intimately and closely than before. Boy do they have me excited. Despite a set back that has us trying to come up with a different service project, they have maintained a positive attitude. Anyways, you probably want to hear about me. Well, as you probably know, there are a lot of girls who are important to me in my life. I listed them in my initial blog. They are getting through life, trying to find love and happiness and the majority of them are trying to serve God as well. The truth about my dating world is that whenever I have gotten close to any of them, in a dating sense, my priorities quickly place God in at least a second place. It has become easier over time for me to realize what is going on. The last break-up I had was pretty much a result of that realization. The truth of the matter is, despite my desire and feeling of need for having a girl in my life, it truly becomes a distraction for me everytime. I need to learn how to follow God whole-heartedly. He loves me, and only when I am close on His heels am I going to feel the fulfillment which I desire in serving God. Does that mean that I want to be celebate or think that is a possibility. Well obviously, it is a possibility, but the truth is that I think God is just going to put the right girl in place for me when the time is right. I think the test He is placing me in is whether I am able to continue seeking Him. Will I sacrifice everything to follow His leading for me? And do I care about those girls, heck yes! And is there a want inside of me to be with a super-hot woman? Yeah, there is! But we will see what God does for me. He knows me best. He knows how my mind words and my thoughts about women. There are things that I have looked for previously in women whom I have dated and met, and there is things that I avoid, but I am also slowly being transformed into one who sees beauty through God’s eyes and am able to see girls, and anybody the way God sees them. My heart is beginning to burn with compassion, if I let God continue to work in me. My job at camp is going to be exciting, and I hope to be completely focused on God and His view on the campers and the staff.

On a different note, I also need to see myself the way God sees me. I am often really critical of myself and my downfalls. Feelings of uselessness often come into my mind. God has given me a gift, and I am just nervous about how God is going to use me. I think I know what He is calling me to do, but I am not sure. It is a dream and a vision that I have. I am speaking with Jason Frizzell tomorrow and am wondering what he is going to suggest to me. Pray for me if you read this before then. Also pray that I will be motivated to actually seek a place where God wants to use me and the gifts he has given me. I don’t want to settle for the first place that offers me, but I want to be at a place where I am being called and can actively make a difference in people’s lives. Thank you God for this dream you have placed on my mind.
One other thing, pray that I will remain focused on God and put thoughts of Kim somewhere else. It is hard to know that you should be over someone and just can’t necessarily forget them when they come back into your path as someone who is attractive to you again. I need to leave that kind of stuff to God’s timing and see what He does in my future. I guess I’m done, maybe more some other time… Ben