Ben being Ben
So, it has been a long time. What can I say. I don't want to say anything not worth saying. Why rack my brain for something? If it doesn't flow out, I might not really be thinking it. Anyways...
So, I am realizing that life as me is a balancing act. I have to balance everything. Control, Balance. You can never go all out at anything. There are always rules that restrain what I do. This is really frustrating for me. I can be too loving, or too angry. I can be too concerned, or too apathetic. The truth it that I can't think of a time where I got to do exactly what I wanted when I wanted to, or been able to act on my raw emotions exactly the way I wanted to. I am too scared. In the moment, there are a lot of things that seem permissable, which unchecked could be okay, until I have to deal with the consequences later. Sometimes it seems like a good idea to make out with a girl, or make a promise, or beat the hell out of someone, or take that shot at a person that could be devastating emotionally. There is rules in sports... even in boxing, and war. The people who finally decide not to control themselves all end up in psych wards. Here is what I am looking for. I am looking for the freedom that it talks about in the Bible. The end of the law. The truth is, that I feel like I can't even have no boundaries in the good way. I feel like I am not allowed to be completely compassionate, completely giving, loving, thankful, appreciative... I am not allowed to love too much. There is danger. If I love too much, I will get hurt. If I am too giving, people will take advantage. It is just ridiculous. I can be too good. I can lead people on because my goodness is taken as desire.
You want to know what my life is like? It is wanting to do so many things and restraining myself from them. It is constantly weighing in my head how far I can go with a good thing before I have to put limits on it. It is constantly second guessing whether I approached a situation correctly. I want to completely dedicate myself to God and let myself free. But, there is always questions about money, jobs, respectability, risk... Comfortability is so overrated, yet, I think I strive all the time to be comfortable. The best times, the unrestrained times are usually when I am doing something uncomfortable. Oh I need guidance... There are things racing around in my head that I cannot express, or even pinpoint. I need help with this... I should turn to God. I think I will... Catch ya journal some other time... hopefully when I at least feel better about my thoughts..
So, I am realizing that life as me is a balancing act. I have to balance everything. Control, Balance. You can never go all out at anything. There are always rules that restrain what I do. This is really frustrating for me. I can be too loving, or too angry. I can be too concerned, or too apathetic. The truth it that I can't think of a time where I got to do exactly what I wanted when I wanted to, or been able to act on my raw emotions exactly the way I wanted to. I am too scared. In the moment, there are a lot of things that seem permissable, which unchecked could be okay, until I have to deal with the consequences later. Sometimes it seems like a good idea to make out with a girl, or make a promise, or beat the hell out of someone, or take that shot at a person that could be devastating emotionally. There is rules in sports... even in boxing, and war. The people who finally decide not to control themselves all end up in psych wards. Here is what I am looking for. I am looking for the freedom that it talks about in the Bible. The end of the law. The truth is, that I feel like I can't even have no boundaries in the good way. I feel like I am not allowed to be completely compassionate, completely giving, loving, thankful, appreciative... I am not allowed to love too much. There is danger. If I love too much, I will get hurt. If I am too giving, people will take advantage. It is just ridiculous. I can be too good. I can lead people on because my goodness is taken as desire.
You want to know what my life is like? It is wanting to do so many things and restraining myself from them. It is constantly weighing in my head how far I can go with a good thing before I have to put limits on it. It is constantly second guessing whether I approached a situation correctly. I want to completely dedicate myself to God and let myself free. But, there is always questions about money, jobs, respectability, risk... Comfortability is so overrated, yet, I think I strive all the time to be comfortable. The best times, the unrestrained times are usually when I am doing something uncomfortable. Oh I need guidance... There are things racing around in my head that I cannot express, or even pinpoint. I need help with this... I should turn to God. I think I will... Catch ya journal some other time... hopefully when I at least feel better about my thoughts..
1 Comments:
Remember how much people around you care about you. Ben being Ben is awesome, it's how we like you best... You shouln't be scared... Although I have heard that with the greatest risks come the greatest rewards so in that case, let yourself go. I can't guarantee things will always work out for the best but whatever happens, know I have your back and I'll be here for you no matter what. Let your guard down and see what happens to those boundaries, you may be pleasantly surprised... I'm praying for you and I will see you when I get back! *HUG*
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