Enough is Enough
Today hasn't ended yet... It is funny how we can't sleep when we should, and then we sleep through a class, or a church service, or an exam... but at 1 in the morning with no one to hang with and nothing to do... we are wide awake and end up looking into stuff and thinking thoughts that shouldn't. I struggle with lust. I have struggled with it since junior high. That comes out in various manners... luckily I haven't had sex, but I have definitely been there in my mind. Now, that means I won't have a kid and can still call myself a virgin, and maybe even mean that I am partly scared of it, and the consequences. But, that means nothing according to Jesus. If you haven't read the sermon on the mount, do it... Here it is for you:
Matthew 5
The Beatitudes 1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying: 3"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. 6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. 7Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. 9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. 10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Salt and Light 13"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
The Fulfillment of the Law 17"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
Murder 21"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.
23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
25"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Adultery 27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Divorce 31"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Oaths 33"Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' 34But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; 35or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
An Eye for an Eye 38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
Love for Enemies 43"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Anyways, in the part about adultery... 27-30 It says how just the thought is as bad as having done the act. In that instance, and although almost the entire human populatioin is guilty of this, I am in deep crap. It is rare when a day goes by without some kind of adulterous or lustful thoughts coming to my mind. I'm not going to go into details about it because it hurts to... but I am going to say that it is torture. I feel like I can't win that part of my life for God. I have tried various motivations, accountabilities, and no matter how honest I am, or how harsh the punishments, it doesn't change. I hate it. I hate that part of myself. It doesn't help that I can never sleep either.
Now, one of the biggest issues I have is that every person I look up to and every person who I try to describe my problems to says, that's okay it is natural... no one talks about it. It is okay to masterbate if you don't have bad thoughts... ya right... I don't feel good about any of it in my heart. However, the ideas they give to deal with it if I have such huge convictions don't help. I feel stuck in sin. How do I deal with that? By ignoring my sin most of the time... Asking for forgiveness before communion. Otherwise, try to avoid temptation... but at night, that all goes to craps for me. Anyways, I really do want to change, and I know that if I continue to pray and do what I can, God will eventually do something. I know i need to be a big part of that and completely give control over. The thing is that I don't even know if I want to. How terrible is that. The other thing is that it is not fair to any woman who I marry to be with a guy who has that struggle. One commitment that I have made a few times is to not date until God and I have taken care of that. Is that too harsh? Should I just quit trying to win in that area of my life? Should I just not make a commitment I'm not ready to live up to? Or, should I be prepared to never date again? Interesting... I thought about becoming a monk. Maybe that is what I need to do. Although, I hear that it isn't any easier as a monk to deal with those things. I have also had many people, actually a lot of girls tell me that it isn't fair to put off a relationship for that kind of fault because why should I punish the girl for my problem. What a weird way to put it. It would seem that these people think that as long as I don't mentioin it, or even if I do, they can't know exactly what is going on in my head and don't want to know. So as long as it appears that I am pure that is good enough. What kind of foolishness is that? I want to give the girl of my heart a pure man. That is the greatest way I think to respect her. Respect for me is one of the most important things you can do for a person or a friend or anyone. I'll get into my ideas about respect some other time. Anyways, enough is enough...
Matthew 5
The Beatitudes 1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying: 3"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. 6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. 7Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. 9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. 10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Salt and Light 13"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
The Fulfillment of the Law 17"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
Murder 21"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.
23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
25"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Adultery 27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Divorce 31"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Oaths 33"Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' 34But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; 35or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
An Eye for an Eye 38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
Love for Enemies 43"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Anyways, in the part about adultery... 27-30 It says how just the thought is as bad as having done the act. In that instance, and although almost the entire human populatioin is guilty of this, I am in deep crap. It is rare when a day goes by without some kind of adulterous or lustful thoughts coming to my mind. I'm not going to go into details about it because it hurts to... but I am going to say that it is torture. I feel like I can't win that part of my life for God. I have tried various motivations, accountabilities, and no matter how honest I am, or how harsh the punishments, it doesn't change. I hate it. I hate that part of myself. It doesn't help that I can never sleep either.
Now, one of the biggest issues I have is that every person I look up to and every person who I try to describe my problems to says, that's okay it is natural... no one talks about it. It is okay to masterbate if you don't have bad thoughts... ya right... I don't feel good about any of it in my heart. However, the ideas they give to deal with it if I have such huge convictions don't help. I feel stuck in sin. How do I deal with that? By ignoring my sin most of the time... Asking for forgiveness before communion. Otherwise, try to avoid temptation... but at night, that all goes to craps for me. Anyways, I really do want to change, and I know that if I continue to pray and do what I can, God will eventually do something. I know i need to be a big part of that and completely give control over. The thing is that I don't even know if I want to. How terrible is that. The other thing is that it is not fair to any woman who I marry to be with a guy who has that struggle. One commitment that I have made a few times is to not date until God and I have taken care of that. Is that too harsh? Should I just quit trying to win in that area of my life? Should I just not make a commitment I'm not ready to live up to? Or, should I be prepared to never date again? Interesting... I thought about becoming a monk. Maybe that is what I need to do. Although, I hear that it isn't any easier as a monk to deal with those things. I have also had many people, actually a lot of girls tell me that it isn't fair to put off a relationship for that kind of fault because why should I punish the girl for my problem. What a weird way to put it. It would seem that these people think that as long as I don't mentioin it, or even if I do, they can't know exactly what is going on in my head and don't want to know. So as long as it appears that I am pure that is good enough. What kind of foolishness is that? I want to give the girl of my heart a pure man. That is the greatest way I think to respect her. Respect for me is one of the most important things you can do for a person or a friend or anyone. I'll get into my ideas about respect some other time. Anyways, enough is enough...
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