You Live You Learn
So hey, I guess I learned a bit... How not to treat my friends... Anyways, I've been thinking... I guess we all think. I have had some time to reflect more on who I am. It is always good to ask hard questions even when we know the answers. They are still in our soul even if our head knows the truth about it. I am like a person who is aware of my soul's longing and questioning, but I filter it through my head before acting or expressing. It is interesting to become aware of that. It is interesting to actually have somewhere to express the unfiltered stuff. So here we start...
I am really cold right now, like physically cold. I can't feel my feet or my hands hardly. I am aware of my hair, and it isn't very good today. It is ichy, and a kid at work today pointed out to me at work that I have some dandruff. Crappy deal I am telling you. Anyways, I don't know how deep I am going to get tonight. I just know that I am a deep person. I realize that I have some leadership skills, but have no idea where to use them. I hear trial and error, but can't help but think that there may be a better way. It is like I am waiting for a better way. I miss the care-free days of college where I was just purely learning about God and deciding what kind of a life I wanted to live. I guess I didn't know anything during that either. The future is so weird. I have no idea what is coming, who I will meet or how they will change my life. I have no idea what kind of an opportunity might come right around the corner. I would say that I am funny that way. I tend to wait for an opportunity rather than go out of my way to find one. It has turned out well so far, except that I can't help but wonder if there is something out there that I could be doing that would be more fulfilling at the moment. I have no idea what that could be. I am needed where I am, but maybe I am just settling for God's minimum impact plan rather than his ultimate plan for me. I can't know, at least at this point. When I get to this, it boils down to patience... Maybe that is the hardest thing for me in the world. There is nothing you can do to resolve something that requires time. Time is so ridiculous sometimes. First it takes way too long to get to the time you want to be at and then you can't stay in the time that you want to be in. It just plods forward. ARRR!!
It all ends with death. Time stops then. At least for the person who dies. Why do we care so much about the future then. If we died we wouldn't. All our problems are now someone else's. Suckers... now they have all their own worries plus yours. I hope too many people don't die on me before I die. I guess the one fear that I have when it comes to death is that I won't have loved anyone fully. God or a wife... I don't want to leave the earth not really knowing what love is. The best way to die would be as a full act of love. Taking someone's place or sacrificing for someone or something you truly love. Then you could die saying that you had truly lived and truly loved. I think that maybe the ultimate goal would be to have a resume of sacrifice and times you had taken people's place... until you died. How better to show someone love and care. What a concept... How many of us will actually do that though. When you consider it, we are all too worried about our own future and security. Screw that everyone... I had a girlfriend dump me because the main problem was that I did not provide enough security for her comfort level. What is that? She isn't the only one who I have heard that security is important from... Family, friends, ennemies... Where is that in the Bible... Since when do I need to provide security for someone I love. Can't I just provide sacrifice. Maybe this is why I am single. I would love to love and live with someone who felt that sacrifice was more important than security.
I had someone tell me once that my way of viewing faith way irresponsible. Is living by a faith that makes me ready to do whatever I am asked whenever I am asked gonna make me a Steven Udvardy? A person who is 45, unmarried and still working at camp. I want to have a wife, and kids. I love kids. It could be a hard life for them if I was living day to day the whole time. It would be a great example in the long run, but they might question my love for them, wouldn't they. Unless I was willing to sacrifice my own convictions for the love of them. Or is there somewhere in there, a possibility that God could give me a stable position where I could sacrifice at work and at home. Where I could provide for my kids and still be living by the day. It would take faith to live by the day, willing to up and leave everything, but knowing that God loved me and my family enough to give us some stability and provision, and make it possible for me to love my kids and maybe even my grandkids. I guess we will see about that if I ever even find someone to marry. I'm pretty sure God will make it pretty clear if I do. Now I just have to wait some more... ARRRR!!
Did I mention waiting sucks... I can't think of anything any more annoying. Or maybe I should be waiting, but aggresively looking, or is that how God works? Can we ever be satisfied if we don't wait for what we get? Does God make us wait so that we can thank him for our blessing? I'm sure he does. Something that we jsut get right away isn't as valued wither I don't think. God's sick sense of humor in the order of the world. If I got all my Christmas presents today, they wouldn't be near as valuable I don't think. I probably wouldn't be as grateful because I wouldn't have waited. Weird ideas eh? I hope this is just as thought provoking but less offensive as the last posting I made. I think there is truth to it though. It is interesting: we are playing with the idea of personal timelines for Focus 3... my Christian leadership training small group. They keep asking us where God is telling us to lead and use our gifts as if by some personal assesment of values and stuff, and history can give us a direction for the future... Do you think that is true? I'm not sure what I think of it yet. I think it will help us know where we have come from and what we have learned from and how we have grown as a person... but will that indicate anything for the future?
I can see that after a few months of writing stuff in this log I will get to some really good stuff and maybe I will have my whole paper for my final course done. Oh that would be so nice. We will see I guess... I won't get my hopes up. Did I mention that I am cold? Here I am like 3 hours later still cold and still typing away slowly as I talk to people who I care about, and use the gifts that I have of caring and encouraging. Can being a friend be a gift? I think it can, and I think that I have it. That is totally what everyone wants and needs. They also want more than that, but one person can't be that more than that for everyone. I guess my own problem with my gift is that I don't relate with everyone, and I'm not good friends with everyone. There are people that I don't click with, and if that was my job, would it be my responsibility to learn how to click with people who I don't necesarily get along with? Just an interesting question to bring up.
Should I learn how to cook? I care, and have hospitality as another gift, but should I learn how to cook and clean to become more hospitable? ah, never mind, there is no way I need an answer to that question right now. You know what I could probably ramble on a little more right here about various things, but I am content with what I have written. It has revealed more of my own thoughts, but will also be useful to others who read I think. That is one of my desired effects of writing these things is that maybe others will find a gen in what I write. Maybe this won't only be valuable to me. Maybe I can care and help someone just by writing my own thoughts... That would be so cool!! So God bless anyone who reads this. If you leave me a comment, I guarantee I will pray for you as well. Have a good time y'all and love life. I'm going to try!! Later, The Big Bad Ben who you love and who you hate. Who you want to know more, but not too much more..Ya, I'm good.
I am really cold right now, like physically cold. I can't feel my feet or my hands hardly. I am aware of my hair, and it isn't very good today. It is ichy, and a kid at work today pointed out to me at work that I have some dandruff. Crappy deal I am telling you. Anyways, I don't know how deep I am going to get tonight. I just know that I am a deep person. I realize that I have some leadership skills, but have no idea where to use them. I hear trial and error, but can't help but think that there may be a better way. It is like I am waiting for a better way. I miss the care-free days of college where I was just purely learning about God and deciding what kind of a life I wanted to live. I guess I didn't know anything during that either. The future is so weird. I have no idea what is coming, who I will meet or how they will change my life. I have no idea what kind of an opportunity might come right around the corner. I would say that I am funny that way. I tend to wait for an opportunity rather than go out of my way to find one. It has turned out well so far, except that I can't help but wonder if there is something out there that I could be doing that would be more fulfilling at the moment. I have no idea what that could be. I am needed where I am, but maybe I am just settling for God's minimum impact plan rather than his ultimate plan for me. I can't know, at least at this point. When I get to this, it boils down to patience... Maybe that is the hardest thing for me in the world. There is nothing you can do to resolve something that requires time. Time is so ridiculous sometimes. First it takes way too long to get to the time you want to be at and then you can't stay in the time that you want to be in. It just plods forward. ARRR!!
It all ends with death. Time stops then. At least for the person who dies. Why do we care so much about the future then. If we died we wouldn't. All our problems are now someone else's. Suckers... now they have all their own worries plus yours. I hope too many people don't die on me before I die. I guess the one fear that I have when it comes to death is that I won't have loved anyone fully. God or a wife... I don't want to leave the earth not really knowing what love is. The best way to die would be as a full act of love. Taking someone's place or sacrificing for someone or something you truly love. Then you could die saying that you had truly lived and truly loved. I think that maybe the ultimate goal would be to have a resume of sacrifice and times you had taken people's place... until you died. How better to show someone love and care. What a concept... How many of us will actually do that though. When you consider it, we are all too worried about our own future and security. Screw that everyone... I had a girlfriend dump me because the main problem was that I did not provide enough security for her comfort level. What is that? She isn't the only one who I have heard that security is important from... Family, friends, ennemies... Where is that in the Bible... Since when do I need to provide security for someone I love. Can't I just provide sacrifice. Maybe this is why I am single. I would love to love and live with someone who felt that sacrifice was more important than security.
I had someone tell me once that my way of viewing faith way irresponsible. Is living by a faith that makes me ready to do whatever I am asked whenever I am asked gonna make me a Steven Udvardy? A person who is 45, unmarried and still working at camp. I want to have a wife, and kids. I love kids. It could be a hard life for them if I was living day to day the whole time. It would be a great example in the long run, but they might question my love for them, wouldn't they. Unless I was willing to sacrifice my own convictions for the love of them. Or is there somewhere in there, a possibility that God could give me a stable position where I could sacrifice at work and at home. Where I could provide for my kids and still be living by the day. It would take faith to live by the day, willing to up and leave everything, but knowing that God loved me and my family enough to give us some stability and provision, and make it possible for me to love my kids and maybe even my grandkids. I guess we will see about that if I ever even find someone to marry. I'm pretty sure God will make it pretty clear if I do. Now I just have to wait some more... ARRRR!!
Did I mention waiting sucks... I can't think of anything any more annoying. Or maybe I should be waiting, but aggresively looking, or is that how God works? Can we ever be satisfied if we don't wait for what we get? Does God make us wait so that we can thank him for our blessing? I'm sure he does. Something that we jsut get right away isn't as valued wither I don't think. God's sick sense of humor in the order of the world. If I got all my Christmas presents today, they wouldn't be near as valuable I don't think. I probably wouldn't be as grateful because I wouldn't have waited. Weird ideas eh? I hope this is just as thought provoking but less offensive as the last posting I made. I think there is truth to it though. It is interesting: we are playing with the idea of personal timelines for Focus 3... my Christian leadership training small group. They keep asking us where God is telling us to lead and use our gifts as if by some personal assesment of values and stuff, and history can give us a direction for the future... Do you think that is true? I'm not sure what I think of it yet. I think it will help us know where we have come from and what we have learned from and how we have grown as a person... but will that indicate anything for the future?
I can see that after a few months of writing stuff in this log I will get to some really good stuff and maybe I will have my whole paper for my final course done. Oh that would be so nice. We will see I guess... I won't get my hopes up. Did I mention that I am cold? Here I am like 3 hours later still cold and still typing away slowly as I talk to people who I care about, and use the gifts that I have of caring and encouraging. Can being a friend be a gift? I think it can, and I think that I have it. That is totally what everyone wants and needs. They also want more than that, but one person can't be that more than that for everyone. I guess my own problem with my gift is that I don't relate with everyone, and I'm not good friends with everyone. There are people that I don't click with, and if that was my job, would it be my responsibility to learn how to click with people who I don't necesarily get along with? Just an interesting question to bring up.
Should I learn how to cook? I care, and have hospitality as another gift, but should I learn how to cook and clean to become more hospitable? ah, never mind, there is no way I need an answer to that question right now. You know what I could probably ramble on a little more right here about various things, but I am content with what I have written. It has revealed more of my own thoughts, but will also be useful to others who read I think. That is one of my desired effects of writing these things is that maybe others will find a gen in what I write. Maybe this won't only be valuable to me. Maybe I can care and help someone just by writing my own thoughts... That would be so cool!! So God bless anyone who reads this. If you leave me a comment, I guarantee I will pray for you as well. Have a good time y'all and love life. I'm going to try!! Later, The Big Bad Ben who you love and who you hate. Who you want to know more, but not too much more..Ya, I'm good.
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