Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I Love my Grandma / Joy Expressions

Hey, guess what... I love my Grandma. I spent a lot of the evening talking to her. She is the perfect example of someone who has grown with God throughout her whole life. She is the most godly person that I know. When I take time to talk to her or spend time with her, it is like I imagine it must have been like for young adults to hang out with Jesus. She speaks of God all the time. How she is allowing God to direct her life and how she has need to submit to His plan. What a blessing it has been to grow up with her encouraging me and caring about my relationship with God. She asks tough questions and cares about the answers. She also tries to understand the answers. It seems like the rest of my family doesn't take the time they should to talk to her and get to know who she is and what she thinks, and what she thinks matters. Grandparents can have a profound or negligent effect on their grandchildren. I have a grandmother who prays for me everyday by name. Do you know how a person praying for you specifically everyday without fail effects a person's life? Well, I guarantee you that it has positive effects on my life. Some people I know would call me blessed... I think I am. I believe that God has answered my gradnmother's prayers. I don't want to sound cocky, but hear me out... My spiritual journey has been interesting to say the least. What it amounts to though, is that I take a lot of steps of faith. I make decisions based on what I perceive to be God's leading. Usually, God blessed my decision. It has been really cool. I guess I don't feel like going on about that right now.

What comes to mind now is: How does one approach the sense that God has blessed you without making others jealous and finding pride in it. I guess Paul would call it taking pride in what God has done for you and through you. That sounds easy enough, but it isn't. I actually end up not saying much at all about how God has blessed me. I don't want people to think that God doesn't love them as much or anything like that. It is a weird place to be. I don't know if anyone understands it. I don't even know what I am trying to get at except that it is tough to have joy in the Lord and in life when so many friends don't share that joy. So many people in the world are hurting and needing someone to care. I feel almost bad sharing about the joy in my life. A joyful person is lucky, and should keep it to themselves, shouldn't they? These are questions that continue to hound me.

I have realized that I look sad alot, I wonder why? Is it because I try to fit in? Is it because deep somewhere that I don't know about I am lonely? Is it because I have something to be sad about? Do I really look sad? I would love to say that there is a sparkle in my eye that expresses a joy for life... but is there? I am blessed, so shouldn't I be joyful? What a whirlwind we live in. What a flux of emotion and desperation. What a frail existence when it takes only a few words to destroy a person's life or change them profoundly for life. How bizarre. I know that it happens to me alot... sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. Have you ever had anyone tell you that your joy is making them depressed? It has happenned to me. Now I have fear to be joyful. There must always be something to complain about or to be dealing with that isn't pretty that can make us sad.

How -bout this question... Have you ever wished that someone would bare their soul to you... that there would be no fear and that they could be their real selves to you, and that in return could do that to them? That they could see the parts of you that aren't even in your power to reveal? That is what I long for. That is what I have with God, except I cannot comprehend God's entire heart and soul the way that he understands mine. I wish I could try to see to that kind of depth with a person in front of me. That the discomfort of it wouldn't be there and that the conversation could last as long as it needed to... no deadlines or things to do or places to be. That is how I wish it was with God too. Yet, the closest we have is retreats, weekends, holidays, scheduled 'solo' times where we spend time close to God for a couple of hours or a day. But how unhindered is that, and even in that time we take time to eat and unfocus. Where is it in us that tells us not to devote ourselves to any one person or God. Are we scared. Scared of being hurt? Disappointed... Maybe we will find things we don't like and want to cover up.

I also want to know what Erin wants to know... Why is it that we open up to get hurt? Why do we always hope that the wrong people will want us or like us or being something they aren't for us? People are so screwed up... I am one of the most. I don't even allow myself to think about most of these questions or what actually feel or think, or to express it.

For instance... I have not taken the time to even for myself express how I feel about Taryn. She won't care either. I think she doesn't really care right now. I am definitely not turning to the right person to hear me out at the moment. She is like my last two girlfriends who didn't take time to actually care about me the way I deserve. Where does that leave me at? Wishing... wishing there wasn't some dumbass (who probably isn't a dumbass) named Dave that she likes. Wishing that I had been around over the Summer months when she actually liked me and I could have made a quick move and seen if I could get what I want. Or wishing that I don't depned on God to work through patience in His time and just go out and try to fulfill my desires on my own. I know how untrue all that I just wrote is, but the feelings creep in. Is that scary for you?

You know what is really depressing? Listening to songs about good relationships or people spilling their guts to someone they love. Who the hell actually gets to do that? And... How often is that kind of thing positively accepted? Usually we get rejected and sent off bleeding and feeling eternally hurt. What the hell is up with that? I do it to people just as often as they do it to me. I am sure there is plenty of girls out there right now saying the same thing about me... I am a total jerk and selfish. Maybe my caring is just surface. Maybe if I really cared I would throw my own feelings out the door and sacrifice my life to make one of those girls lives the most wonderful that I can. But am I what they really want? I bet they don't even know...!! ha

This is the most selfish sounding thing I think that I have ever written. Selfishness is disturbing. I disturb myself in that category. Maybe all this waiting for God and being unsure is a whole selfishness thing with me. Maybe I just have my own slacker selfish motives for not moving on with my life... Holy cow... What is going on... I don't like myself very much right now. The truth is though that the people who would probably be most affected by this insight into my soul won't even see this because I am too scared to let them in. I don't believe they care enough. And I have to protect myself. Who can be completely vulnerable??? ARRRRR!!!!

3 Comments:

Blogger Summer said...

I agree that it can be hard to let people in and I don't think anyone can be completely vulnerable... At least not with some amount of risk. Remember that with every risk comes the possibility of reward. Also remember that no matter what happens, I am here for you and I love you. I also appreciate you baring your soul and letting out what you are thinking...

11:56 PM  
Blogger Glooskap said...

Ben...I do care. I really, really do. Please don't think that I don't. You are becoming one of my closest friends and that means A LOT to me. I have so much respect for you. I will talk to you more about this later...not on a blog comment.

2:37 AM  
Blogger Meghan said...

Maybe the question you should be asking is why do I turn away the people that long to be vulnerable with me and loved by me? Why does it scare me to be vulnerable with those people who just long to care for me and hold my feelings and thoughts as tenderly and as near as their own? Why have I let my fear of rejection become so great that it immobilizes my potential for feeling completely accepted?

I might be completely wrong or on a wrong tangent, and I fear the possibility that hearing such an idea from me will just turn you off from the potential of getting to know me again. Ben we both have a fear of rejection. It’s a slow process but I’m sure you can understand why it is important to overcome the fear of rejection in order to overcome the even greater fear of never being truly accepted or loved the way we long to.

Ben you are in my prayers almost daily.
I’m glad to see you're posting again.

12:30 PM  

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