Unsaid.

Hey y'all. I have become more busy since I started dating Meghan. I probably see her like 3 or 4 times a week. Some would think that is excessive... I try not to let it be though. Other evenings I go visit my sister's house and watch hockey. Other nights I am tired and retire early. I have made a new commitment... washing the dishes in the morning and also 2 mornings a week my brother and I are going to play squash. My butt hurts a lot right now. Anyways, I am finding now, that often being a friend means putting up with a lot of crap and often means getting trampled on. For me, being a friend means that you are there for a person, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and sacrifice. A friend goes out of their way, and makes extra effort to say hi to and care about how someone is. I am a friend to a lot of people. Some people may think differently, but this is my opinion. There is a lot of people I care about and try to be there for them.

SO here is my big problem right now!

Everyone is having a rough life, and needs to focus on dealing with their own stress and problems. This means that nobody cares about or has time to care about me. In fact, I don't bother telling most people how I feel or what is going on, because I will get a response like "Whatever." "Meh." or an attempt to identify with me by throwing their own bigger, more important struggle that I end up in turn caring for them about. This is one thing that I really like about Meghan, among many. We can sit in a quiet room, and I can talk and she will listen, and be interested in what I am saying. It nice every once in a while for someone to hear what I am saying.

I have had great conversations with people where I have left feeling like crap, because something I said offended them without me even realizing it. It is not a nice thing when the memory that someone has of you for a time of hanging out is the one or two things that you said wrong or did wrong within the entire time span. Hey, I am definitely not perfect. I have many flaws, and almost have someone remember or point out pretty much every one of them. I am getting really sick of people constantly analysing my actions or choices. Sometimes I feel like a moviestar without any upside. People just pick out my flaws and gossip about them. I am not saying that is quite true and am not making particular accusations, but I do feel that way. I had a bad day today, who cares? I got the pity aw from a couple of people, but I came home tonight from the hockey game and my mom got in my face with a comment about the dishes not getting washed this morning. Sorry, I was at the car wash until work mom. Oh yeah, well, make sure they get done tomorrow morning. I had a crappy day today.

On another note, I wonder how long it will take for me to crack. It has been a few years here of feeling under pressure from people. People always questioning my decisions and what not. Maybe God is trying to prepare me for being a pastor. The problem is that my rest isn't really rest. It is more like putting things that are bothering me off.

So here is something I really need to deal with. The problem is that it will probably infuriate someone. So I hope not to offend that person, but this is my blog and sometimes I need to say something. I have a friend who demands perfection of me. I am supposed to read that person's mind, abide by the schedule, never say anything offensive, and be there to hear out and care about every problem that person has. I haven't been doing all this lately, so I am downgraded to second class friend. My actions and how they are interpreted decide what my friend status with this person is. Now, I feel for this person, and I cannot even imagine being in this person's position. The problem is that I never say anything because it is always a bad time to say something. I can't ever bother defending myself, because I am trying to defend myself against someone else's interpretation. My own interpretation is often quite different. I have every once in a while made myself very available for this person and been stomped on afterwards, almost wishing that I hadn't made that time for that person. From what I know, friendships that last are 2 sided. I almost wonder sometimes how long this one is going to last. I really care, I just need to be encouraged as I encourage.

The last thing I want to say is that almost nobody ever calls me. Maybe they think I am always busy or something. I think that I am going to have t oget a cellphone soon so that I can always be available. I have friends who hurt but refuse to call anyone. I am usually willing to stop whatever I am doing to before somewhere for someone. I love to do that. I don't get the opportunity very often, because people don't turn to me anymore. Ah well... I have no idea what all this means right now, but I will think more about it.

This is the last thing that I am going to say: Please cut me some slack!! I am not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. But let something slide. Let me screw up without it being thrown in my face. Maybe try to see something from where I am. I try, really hard. That is all that a friend can do. Please pray for me too... Things are starting to build up inside, things that I don't even see coming and only see rare glimpses of. Goodnight!!!