Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Feeling sick, and it is late!

Hi, well, it has been a long weekend. It was good, and I did a lot of pastor-type work. Today, however, I started feeling gross and sick. I also started questioning my idea about becoming an intern youth pastor at Grace Baptist. Maybe I’m not supposed to be here. Don’t get me wrong. Good things are happening, but maybe I’m not supposed to get involved with the youth here. Maybe I’m not supposed to be a youth pastor. Maybe I am supposed to be a lay leader. The truth is though, I am worried about getting used up or used to a point of being drained. That is why I like the idea of being paid for the ministry stuff that I do. The problem is that I am confused still. My focus 3 training and my community learning time is telling me a lot of stuff about how a person should be and how we should relate to the community and church. It is making me question again whether I should even be a pastor. I usually know for sure what God wants for me, but this time I am not so sure. Have you ever thought about pulling away from a position that you fill just to see if you are needed, or if you are needed so that people will notice and maybe be willing to pay you for your time and service? I kind of feel like I would like to just pull away from things that I do, and see if any of those places actually needs or wants me. Maybe even to see if God wants or needs me… I am tired, I would love to talk but I have to be at my mom’s work by 7 am for dentist work and so I should sleep. Goodnight everyone…. God bless you!!!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last night my/a small group that is starting up meet together. I loved it. I’ve been missing that and needed that, but point being… we got into the discussion of spiritual disciplines vs. faith due to feelings and the emotions you get from it. How in the Old Testament the Jews lived out their faith purely based on their devotion and discipline that their faith called for. And yet how each one of the three of us long for and are seeking out the excitement and yearning we felt when we first started living out our faith. And yet we somehow can’t seem to attain that feeling we had when devotions/God time turned into hours, prayer time was a constant state of mind, and we couldn’t stop reading the word once we started. Reading your post made me think of this discussion. What balance is right when considering the need to discipline ourselves in what we know to be right and good and when do we drop all to seek after the emotions and highs of knowing beyond all knowing and being that baby within Papa’s arms that is fully dependant on Him. I’m not sure what that balance looks like, but I think that we do need a balance. I don’t think we stop seeking after God and the feeling of closeness and dependency on the one being that knows all. I also believe that with growing in our faith comes the time when God walks beside us, watches us when we fall, and is there to pick us up. Willing us in the discipline of seeking Him out despite the sinful nature of our humanity.

You once said that space will tell a lot, and maybe that is indeed what you need to get the perspective that you need. There’s also the chance that these feelings of worry about being used or a sense of incapacity are trials that God is calling you to overcome. A sense of the hardships that come with pastoring a congregation or youth group.

2:05 PM  

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