I Went Retreating

Experiencing the death of someone you love is traumatizing.  Although it turns out that I didn't experience the actual moment of my wife's death, I discovered it, called 911, and did CPR until firemen arrived to take over.  It is a blur and the images of it are still largely hidden from my mind. What happened next though kind of characterized the next 3 months of my life.  I came out of my 6 month old baby's room and Dahlia was standing naked in the washroom.  Immediately, in that instant, I had to shift gears to dad mode.  I could no longer be a panicked husband, but a father.  Oh, I did cry and got help and that week was a blur, but rarely in those first months was I alone with my thoughts.

After visiting a psychologist a couple of times, I became aware of how little processing time I had since my wife's death.  I could pinpoint times where a picture or a word or something had triggered my sadness and then my daughter or son would need something or start crying.  I would have an emotion while alone, and then a responsibility or a task would come to mind and abruptly trigger the end of that emotion.

I decided I needed a retreat.  This retreat would be an extended time away from my life to make space to experience my grief.  After consulting with friends and others, I decided to go to King's Fold Retreat Center.  I had never been there before, but many told me it was exactly the kind of place that I needed to head (it was). I contacted them and found out that they had about 4 days available to me.  I could arrive Monday morning and leave Friday afternoon. That was great, except I wanted to be gone for 9 days. Saturday until the following Sunday.  Nobody gave me a formula, it just seemed like it was what needed to be done.

A close friend gave me the name of a B & B in Crowsnest Pass and that provided for the first Saturday to Monday, and then I booked a SPA vacation for 2 with a friend in Banff for the following Friday to Sunday.  So if that sounds confusing.  The plan was to go to a B & B from Saturday until Monday, go to King's Fold Retreat Center from Monday to Friday, and then pick up a friend and go to Banff from Friday until Sunday.

Luckily for me, I had people around who could care for my kids.  Both my deceased wife's parents and my parents were able to take the kids for multiple days.  When the time arrived, I dropped the kids off at my parents' house and off I went to Crowsnest Pass.  I was armed with a couple of pictures, a laptop, a journal, and a book that I had been reading called Irresistible Revolution (highly recommended).  My thinking was that I would show up at the B & B, lock myself in my room, and cry.

It didn't quite go as planned.  First of all, when at a B & B, you have to leave for your other meals. The host was great for recommending places.  I actually had decent meals in that area of Alberta. Also, even though I quickly unlocked the keychain password on my wife's computer, I needed to unwind.  My brain needed time to cool down.  I ended up watching football both evenings I was there.  I looked at some pictures and had a few good cries, but I mostly enjoyed going out and eating. 

I went to a few establishments, sat at the bar, and enjoyed some really good food.  Twice the establishments were almost empty (very few people travel there in January) and I had great conversations with the bartender in one place and the restaurant owner in the other.  They were naturally curious why I was traveling around there in the winter and I had time to chat with them about it.  The beauty of it was that I had no timeline.  I could sit around and chat and drink as long as I wanted.  I had no goals or deadlines, I just got to be.  People have real lives and thoughts and when
you take the time to get to know them, you are both better for it.  The one lady was from the USA, divorced, living in BC, no support system, working in Alberta.  She was new to her job and obviously not living the life she had intended to live when she moved to Canada.  But she was surviving and glad to chat, since I was the only customer.  The restaurant owner I met introduced my to some Italian liqueur called Frangelico.  Yum.  He was from Italy and we had a great chat about life, death, how things pan out, etc.  I wish he had been willing to share a drink with me, but it was cool just to sit around and chat about his dreams and my dreams and our experiences.  It was good to connect with real people without an agenda.

Looking back on those first couple of days away, I think my body and brain were just able to slow down and prepare for the real work to come at King's Fold.  I also slept a lot.  I was allowed to.  I didn't owe anything to anybody. I also started praying and writing those prayers down. It seemed like the right thing to do and my prayer life had been pretty non-existent since my wife's passing.

I wrote this during that time. It is a reminder of how I felt:  "The pictures are a lot. I saw a woman who loved the moment and wanted to remember it.  Melissa made silly faces and often put herself out there. She wanted to believe that people loved her and that it was genuine. I loved her, but I didn't show her enough. It tears me up that she may have been just asking me to love her and show her and that I might not of. She deserved to be loved all of the time.  What a beautiful woman and a beautiful soul. She dreamed, she shared, she lived. She never gave up."

I concluded with a decision for myself: "Melissa was underappreciated by everyone. I want to stop underappreciating. I want to see the beauty. I want to appreciate what I have. I want to love better and be loved better. And I want to hear from you God."

That is why you write stuff down.  I have had to come to grips with the fact that there were times where I probably wasn't what Melissa deserved.  She was so hopeful and I could have done so much better. Strangely, once I voiced sentiments like that, there was an odd sense of peace that came over me. I think Melissa was with me reading that as I wrote it.  Telling me that she loved me. I didn't realize that until later upon reflection.  I just felt peace.

Sunday morning, I had a fantastic breakfast (seriously good, warm cherries with cream was the appetizer) and headed to the Frank Slide interpretive center.  I felt like exploring.  The Friday night before I left, a buddy of mine and I went to a show that a friend was putting on (props to Lighter than Arrows). They sang a song called 1903 and had a contest to see who could think of what it was about. It turns out it was about the Frank Slide.  I actually really enjoyed the interpretive center mainly to myself because it was Sunday and everyone else was in church (their words, not mine). I connected with the people who lost love ones and their stories and was inspired by the way people picked themselves up and continued on.  Women remarried, children grew up, the community came together. They picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and kept living.  I was inspired by the survivors of Frank Slide.

The rest of the day was lighter.  I went out for 2 meals. I went for a walk.  I watched some football. I got some sleep.  I felt calm. My brain had slowed down and I had written down distractions and worries that were clouding my mind so that I wouldn't have to think about them anymore.  By the time I awoke to another amazing breakfast on Monday morning, I was ready for the next step in my journey.  I loved my time in Crowsnest Pass and left it with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

I stopped in Cochrane for lunch and to pick up some headphones and made it to King's Fold around 2:00.  They welcomed me well and showed me around. There are a couple of things about retreats that I didn't realize.  First, they expect you to sleep a lot.  Second, people usually only come for a couple of days.  I didn't fit into either of those molds.  My time in Crowsnest Pass had allowed me to slow down already and I was there for 4 days. I just don't roll the same way that other people do.

My time was spent doing a variety of things over the next 4 days.  I read, I shared meals, I hiked, I prayed, I listened to music, and I wrote. By the end they made reference to me being a permanent fixture at the center because I had been there for so long. There are a number of things that happened while I was there, but  I want to highlight 3.  The weather was so nice for the first couple of days.

The first thing I did when I got settled, is I went on a prayer walk.  It is called the Road to Emmaus prayer walk.  This is a walk that some disciples did after Jesus had died.  There are about 8 stops along this short trail talking about how various disciples and Jesus's friends reacted to his death.  I know it was about Jesus, but I found myself connecting to their feelings.  How did I feel after Melissa died.  Alone, hopeless, dream crushed, many of the same emotions.  As I went along crying and feeling the emotions, I came to one that quoted Jesus saying that he needed to go away so that the Holy Spirit could come.  The Holy Spirit would be our guide and counselor and comforter. In that moment I realized that I was currently ignoring that aspect of my journey of God.  I prayed right there in the little chapel long and deep that the Holy Spirit would be more present in my life and that I would open my ears to hear and understand. 

On a whim, I took a different path that led downhill to some crosses and followed the other prayer walk backwards toward the center.  As I was doing that I encountered a massive bull that just stared at me.  I took a picture in case it tried to end me so that people would know what had happened.

On Tuesday, I went on an adventure. I wore my big snow boots. There is a path across the river that wraps around and ends up opening onto a meadow for a while until it cuts back in.  I missed the cut back in. I walked the length of the hill along the meadow and ended up on the wrong side of the hill. I decided to follow the river back and headed out hoping and pretty confident I was headed the right way.  I ended up blazing my own path for over an hour and a half, sometimes doubting myself along the way and watching the sun slowly disappear behind the mountains.  At long last I saw that I was close to the camp, but found myself on an island in the middle of the river without a way to get to the bridge I needed to get back to the camp.  I took a risk, tried to stand on an iced over log, and fell in.  That's right, in the middle of January, I fell into the cold river, but made it where I needed to go and back to the center with soaking wet clothes and boots.  No frostbite. That was a fun story to share at dinner that evening that I barely made it in time for.

I shared that story because it was spiritual for me.  I felt like my adventure paralleled my current life situation.  I was out in the wilderness and got lost.  I was on a different path than everyone else.  I am making my own path and way to the destination.  God has gifted me.  He has given me wisdom and talent and ability to assess situations. I may be blazing my own trail, but I'm going to make it.  I need to believe that I have what it takes.  Looking back, I am reassured.  I am reassured that I have the skills I need to be a good dad, person, leader. Sometimes you just need that confidence booster and I think that is what I got, but it was spiritual confidence.

Wednesday and Thursday, I spent a lot of time in my room going through pictures both digital and actual pictures.  It turned out that Melissa kept journals while she was on her Continentals tours and her mission trips.  I was immersed in the world of Melissa before I knew her and definitely before we started dating.  There were hopeful love stories with boys and with God throughout.  The beauty of having read those was I saw this hope in her that someday a guy would see in her what she saw in herself and what she knew God saw in her.  Let's say none of the guys panned out, but she didn't give up.  I'm so glad that she clung to that hope. I rejoice that I saw her.

Thursday lunch at King's Fold is eaten silently.  Everyone sits around and looks at each other but doesn't say anything.  I saw the humor in it.  A mother and her 2 girls showed up during lunch.  It was the most awkward thing because one person went and whispered to them and then they came and sat down but I had to greet the lady who sat with me with a wave and a nod.  These people ended up being significant though.  That evening, I had made it through all the material I had and was interested in conversation and these 3 ladies were playing Catan in the dining hall.  I joined them and just hung out for a couple of hours.  They were great people and super easy to hang out with.  I learned about them, they learned about me. It was good.

The next morning, at breakfast, the mom asked if they could pray for me.  Her and her daughter had woken super early, feeling the need to pray for me.  They had prayed for me then and wanted to pray for me in person.  I never say no to people praying for me, so they caught up to me around 9:30.  They prayed for me and then the older daughter told me that she felt like she needed to tell me that "my wife loves me." It was kind of weird I'll be honest, but I accepted it and after I thanked them and exchanged contact info, they left.  This is not something that happens often at this place from what I gather.  People just kind of keep to themselves. This was special though and I knew it when I looked at my phone and I had a voicemail.  The voicemail was from the medical examiner's office telling me that had the final result in on why Melissa had died.  Until this point, I only had vague information.

This was sensitive for me.  Pretty much this result signified my ability to move forward in my life with the dreams I feel like I have for myself and my family.  Later in the day I was at my parents' (you never know what the examiner is going to say, so I made sure I was near family) and I found out that Melissa had had a heart failure.  This brought me closure. I felt freedom.  I understood that a big part of my retreat was for me to realize that Melissa would always love me, and I her, but that  I was allowed to move forward. I felt a calm and peace about life.

The last part of my time away was shared with a friend who needed to get away as well.  We went to Banff, ate, drank, enjoyed a SPA day complete with massage, facial massage, and pedicures (won't do a pedicure again).  We ate good food and drank good drinks.  By the end of Saturday night, I was ready to stay in (policy to not stumble out of the hotel), but my buddy went out anyway.  I had a very lonely night.  I think the physical touch that came with the massages really made me miss that.  There are very few people that I wouldn't have snuggled that night. It was good I stayed in.  The takeaway for me from that night was just a reminder that I'm allowed to move forward and onward, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy.

God never promised me easy.  I wish he had, but he didn't.  What He has showed me is that I can survive, learn, improve, and push forward toward a good life. Melissa taught me about hope, and now I can have hope.  Hope that there are good things yet to come.  And trust me, I've already experienced so many of those good things.  Thank you Melissa.