Unbridled Truth

One of my friends is working on bringing to light the idea of wrestling with God.  She believes that wrestling God is something God wants us to do and that so often life's circumstances require us to question and fight with God.

I believe I have entered a time in my life where I need to start questioning God, not only on what he has allowed to happen through the death of Melissa, but also on the direction that he is tugging my heart strings and my intrigues.

A reminder came to me today that as a Christian, "Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." Colossians 1:27 (NLT) and later "In him lie hidden all the treasure of wisdom and knowledge. I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments." Colossians 2:3-4 This is what I am wrestling with.  It seems to me that because Christ himself lives in me and the Holy Spirit is here to help me and be my guide, I should be able to trust my inner peace or inner thought.  I should be able to trust that the reason I am noticing something, it is because Christ is in me leading me to that.

I fear it though.  I fear what I might discover if I follow that leading and realize that my beliefs about the world and about God will be rocked and changed.  I don't know if that is an ok fear to have. Deep in my soul, if I believe nothing else, I believe that those who seek truth will find it.  And that search leads to God.  I believe it whole-heartedly.  I trust that God leads people to himself through truth.  So then why do I fear that my rigid opinions and points of view will be changed?  If they are changed, they should be changed by truth and by the Holy Spirit who I have promised to guide me and through Christ who dwells in me. Right?

This is context for my battle.  A number of people have become closer to me since Melissa's death.  A minimum of 3 different people from different angles have recently told me similar things about God and how the world works.  These people don't know each other and weren't nearly as close before Melissa died. Why have all 3 of these of these people been intriguing to me and why are they all giving me similar thoughts and information?

My gut feeling draws me towards these people.  I enjoy being around them and I want to be around them more.  I want to talk to them and discuss "real" things and I enjoy being around them.  Is it coincidence that they have all talked to be about the same kind of stuff?  I would say not.  There is something to it.  Here is the main thing I am hearing from these particular people.  "Stop putting a box on God.  To find truth, you need to let go of your filters and you need to be open to whatever truth you find."

"If I find truth, I need to be willing to follow it." It is a stance of openness. Do I trust that voice? Do I trust God to reveal His truth.  Do I trust God that the truth I am led to takes me to him?  This is hesitancy.  This is my fear.  This is my fight.  I don't have an answer yet.  I don't know if I should trust this obvious sign that I have in front of me, but make myself vulnerable.

These last 5 months have allowed me to have shockingly vulnerable conversations and interactions. I think there is a very small filter left when it comes to what I share with who.  And I challenge myself on it when I start to feel hesitant.  I think God is really calling me to be authentic.  Can I also be humble?  Can I trust God to take me through an experience and discern the truths and the lies? Can I lose something of my relationship with God just by trying something?

I don't think so.  So I'm leaving things here, without a solution and without an answer to my ponderings. Am I just scared of change, or do I have legit fear that requires caution.  I think I know my answers, but I don't know if I'm gutsy enough to act on them.  If you read this, pray for me.  I think that having others pray for me will be my strongest weapon in my quest to find truth and as I try to discern where God is pointing me.

Revisiting the Water Break

One year ago, events were taking place that were going to change my life forever. This is not only my story, but the story of life; the story of how God walks with you and bring the right people at the right time into your life.  The fact that Leeland survived and now is 11 months old and doing great is the happy continuation of what began to transpire over a year ago and that continues to shape mine and my family's lives. It's also a testament to the bravery, strength and resilience of Melissa Howes, the mother of my children, and apple of my heart. Her story makes me look faded in comparison and is inspirational to all who knew her.

Last year, near the start of February, Melissa and I were in to get an ultrasound done of our baby. Before they allowed us to leave, it was explained to us by the doctor at the ultrasound clinic that Melissa was funneling.  This means that her cervix was opening from the inside and was shrinking in size.  Melissa had worked her last day.  She was to be put on bed rest to prevent gravity from affecting the situation any more.

This signaled a new lifestyle for us.  Melissa drove Dahlia to our nanny in Calgary and did bed rest.  I worked, picked Dahlia up, and ran the household.  Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning.  I also put in my maximum effort to encourage people to visit Melissa. She was lonely and frustrated that she couldn't move.  She hadn't finished up nicely and the way she had wanted to at work, and she felt lonely.  The visiting that occurred was so appreciated by her, but hard whenever someone cancelled or she had a day without one... I guess I wasn't good enough.

Then one day (the Thursday of Palliser's Teacher Convention), Melissa's water broke while she was driving.  She immediately called me.  She was hysterical.  Leeland was only gestated about 23 weeks and 1 day.  She was driving herself to Rockyview Hospital because of bad experiences at Foothills.  I remember I was at Teacher's Convention in Okotoks with Holly (I had carpooled with her) doing a learn how to play and teach rugby session.  It was just near the end of our lunch break and I informed Holly what was going on and she was like, let's go.  I speaker phoned with Melissa on the way back to Calgary and Holly had me drop her off on an overpass so I could go right back onto the highway.  It was crazy and I felt terrible about it, but Holly insisted.

I got to Rockyview as soon as possible.  Now Melissa had fluctuating blood pressures that she could mentally control through music. It was called whitecoat syndrome.  As soon as she new a doctor or nurse was going to take her blood pressure, it would spike.  It was trauma from Dahlia's birth story.  To control those spikes in blood pressure, she would listen to Dear Evan Hansen music with her eyes closed.  She would ask the nurse or doctor to leave the room and control her breathing.  She also needed the proper sized cuff which often wasn't provided. When I got there, I found her and I just stayed with her and prayed that this baby would be ok.  

In our minds and experience, water breaking meant child coming.  Melissa was having minor contractions.  We were expecting birth to happen.  Melissa just kept crying because she blamed herself for her body not working.  Due to the funneling, they didn't even want to monitor properly because they thought any trauma down under could speed the birth process.  She had already been funneling.  Once they determined that birth wasn't immanent, they decided to transfer Melissa to Foothills because if baby was coming, it would need the top NICU which was Foothills.  I got to follow the transfer in one of our vehicles.  My brother helped me pick up the other one later.  

When we got to Foothills, a new doctor became Melissa's doctor and his prognosis was that Leeland wasn't going to be viable for another 6 days.  Too many concerns and they wouldn't be willing to do a bunch of the interventions for Leeland.  This did not help the situation.  Melissa was already freaking out and having that grim news given to her did not improve the situation.  However, miraculously, her contractions subsided and Leeland stayed in.  It was a miracle.  We didn't even know that was possible.

The 4 days at the hospital before Melissa returned home were wretched.  We hoped there would be no infection and we prayed that God would help our little baby to survive. Once the water is broken, they refuse to do anymore prodding and poking near the fetus.  Melissa stabilized and was sent home on the 4th day no longer on bed rest.  Home care was set up, and the journey with the time bomb began.  Our prayers and hearts beckoned God to be merciful and gracious and allow the baby to stay in just one more hour, one more day, one more week.  My life was consumed with things I would never have imagined before this experience.  Blood pressures, infections, colors of fluid, massages, everything.  I continued to work but with the knowledge that at any minute, I could be heading for the hospital.

Looking back, I don't know how we dealt with all that stress, worry, fear, reliance on God.  It was so hard and it scraped us to the core.  Pretenses were no longer possible and distractions weren't distracting.  Our lives would never be the same.  But I thank God for the those next weeks to this day.

It is hard to recount and recall that time of my life.  I was a passenger.  Melissa had all of these things going on inside her and around her.  I was the husband who wanted to be as caring and giving and helpful as possible, but really there was nothing I could do.  I felt helpless. I felt vulnerable.  And I felt like this might be the hardest thing I would ever have to go through and it most certainly was to that point.  I felt for Melissa and I tried to show her love every day.  There was no time for much else.

When people are in that vulnerable time of life, they need people to walk alongside them.  They need people to visit, and share, and emphasize with them.  They need people to pray and tell truth about God and offer to help out with things. We were lucky to have each other and that Melissa was such a fighter.  I will miss her for that and never forget how she stuck through it all.  She loved Leeland so much and never gave up on him.  She was superwoman. I will never forget.