Mike's Memorial

I went to a funeral today for an acquaintance of mine who I liked and worked alongside a few times while he was employed by Boys and Girls club and supervised by Melissa. I would say that the experience is one of the most disappointing that I have ever been a part of.

I arrived plenty early, gave a few hugs, chatted with a few people about where life has taken us, and waited.  A room was open but nobody had entered it.  Eventually, a bunch of people started heading up the stairs to another room designated for the service, but before I got up the stairs, the hall holding the service was packed.  People were just waiting in a line that was no longer moving.  A bunch of people were just standing around in the upstairs foyer wondering what we were supposed to do.

The funeral directors said nothing to anyone and made no attempt to explain the situation or try to inform us what was expected of us.  Eventually, I felt so awkward and disappointed that I left.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just left without saying goodbye to my friend. There didn't seem to be a chance that anyone was going to say something.  What I could hear just sounded like drumming and chanting.  I don't understand the tradition or how this was supposed to convey closure.

When I was young, I opted out of a couple of funerals that I probably should have gone to and regretted it.  I didn't get the closure that I should have from it.  I decided after those times, that I would go and had a couple of profound experiences when friends of mine died while working at camp.  I cried some real tears and it shaped the next few summers of my life while I worked at camps because I was alive to.  I had closure, inspiration, and a song imprinted on me that could give tears on demand and cause me to miss those special people: "I can only Imagine"

I've been to funerals of my grandparents and when you attend those ones, it is about a life well lived and people who were expecting to die.  Melissa's was different.  She was young, and full of potential and dreams and my love.  My experience at her memorial was profound and open.  I think I may have hugged 250 people that day as we joyfully remembered how awesome Melissa had been.  My family, my friends, and myself were open to all the emotions there were to be had.

However, this particular one was such a contrast for me.  I did not feel welcome and did not feel like I was going to find any healing there.  The people who were there reflected how loved Mike was, but the tension around the actual ceremony, showed to me something different.  I hope it was just a feeling that I got and not the case at all.

To follow up this disappointing event for me, I am going to try to connect with Shayla a bit and continue to offer her support. She supported us when we needed her, and so I intend to be there for her.  I also selfishly want to do it for myself so that maybe I can get closure in the form that I need it; telling stories, spending time, and remembering what we miss.  Mike, you were a decent, kind guy, and the world is worse off without you in it.

I hope you managed to find Melissa in the afterlife.

V-Day / Love Day

I bet the one person who reads this wonders how Valentine's Day went for me.

Well, let's say it started off rough.  Leeland had a super tough night and awoke almost every hour to cry. I eventually took him to the basement room so that we wouldn't wake up Dahlia.  Of course, Dahlia arose just after 6:00, couldn't find me, and almost called 911.  I heard her scampering and got upstairs soon enough to prevent that.  That was the start of the day.

Let's just say I didn't get enough sleep.  After the kids ate, I packed them up and brought them to my mom and dad's place.  That was great.  They had the kids for the rest of the day.  During the regular daytime hours, Barb and Kelly came over and we purged my house.  Yesterday was the garage and today was the basement and Leeland's room. They are so helpful and decisive about helping me decide what to throw out.  In the end, the basement looks really good. I am so thankful to them, and yet they are so happy to be helping me do what I need to do to move to Rainbow Falls.

The harder part came after they left.  Non-coincidentally, my new CD from Danah-Lee showed up in the mail today.  Happy Valentine's to me.  So around 4:00, I sat down to listen to the album and it started to speak to my heart.  Not only the lyrics, but Danah's voice is just the right kind of beautiful.  She could have been singing jibberish, and her voice would have touched that sadness in my soul.  Double lucky, her lyrics are spot on and closely mirror the thoughts and feelings I was having today.  Feelings of sorrow, losteness, regret, longing, suffering.  Danah bares her heart and soul in her 7 tracks and I listened to them over and over. As I listened, I cried. The music paired with some important reminders of my love with Melissa led to a sorrowful Valentine's.

We shared some major love.  Melissa trusted me with the deepest insecurities she had.  She allowed herself to be vulnerable.  I in turn was vulnerable with her and our love grew and was rewarded for that.  I missed that love so much today.  Having one of the lyrics in the songs repeat "Please come home" over and over really echoed my heart.  I wanted Melissa to come home.  I wanted to rewind and go back to those special moments that I had with her and got to share in because I was her husband and because she loved me, I got to see her flourish and grow and thrive. She got to see me and help face my insecurities as well. This was the way love was meant to be shared between man and wife. We weren't perfect by any stretch, but we did the love thing pretty right.

My personality is adaptive and so I'm sure to some it has seemed like I am strong and capable in this circumstance.  The truth is that I just cope well with change. When the reality of Melissa hits me in the chest again, it changes me.  I need to experience that sorrow.  Most of the time I am doing ok, but every once in a while, that deep sorrow comes and embraces me and I just grieve.  I want to thank Danah and her music for helping facilitate my evening of pain, and for being willing to express those feelings with her voice. I also want to thank Melissa for investing so much into me.

At the end of the night, a friend checked in on me to see if I was doing ok.  That was appreciated and undeserved.  Some of my friends are just solid and have hearts of gold.  I feel lucky to have friends like that who can just be with me and feel with me.  Anyway, I hope you had a good day and Happy Valentine's Day.

I Went Retreating

Experiencing the death of someone you love is traumatizing.  Although it turns out that I didn't experience the actual moment of my wife's death, I discovered it, called 911, and did CPR until firemen arrived to take over.  It is a blur and the images of it are still largely hidden from my mind. What happened next though kind of characterized the next 3 months of my life.  I came out of my 6 month old baby's room and Dahlia was standing naked in the washroom.  Immediately, in that instant, I had to shift gears to dad mode.  I could no longer be a panicked husband, but a father.  Oh, I did cry and got help and that week was a blur, but rarely in those first months was I alone with my thoughts.

After visiting a psychologist a couple of times, I became aware of how little processing time I had since my wife's death.  I could pinpoint times where a picture or a word or something had triggered my sadness and then my daughter or son would need something or start crying.  I would have an emotion while alone, and then a responsibility or a task would come to mind and abruptly trigger the end of that emotion.

I decided I needed a retreat.  This retreat would be an extended time away from my life to make space to experience my grief.  After consulting with friends and others, I decided to go to King's Fold Retreat Center.  I had never been there before, but many told me it was exactly the kind of place that I needed to head (it was). I contacted them and found out that they had about 4 days available to me.  I could arrive Monday morning and leave Friday afternoon. That was great, except I wanted to be gone for 9 days. Saturday until the following Sunday.  Nobody gave me a formula, it just seemed like it was what needed to be done.

A close friend gave me the name of a B & B in Crowsnest Pass and that provided for the first Saturday to Monday, and then I booked a SPA vacation for 2 with a friend in Banff for the following Friday to Sunday.  So if that sounds confusing.  The plan was to go to a B & B from Saturday until Monday, go to King's Fold Retreat Center from Monday to Friday, and then pick up a friend and go to Banff from Friday until Sunday.

Luckily for me, I had people around who could care for my kids.  Both my deceased wife's parents and my parents were able to take the kids for multiple days.  When the time arrived, I dropped the kids off at my parents' house and off I went to Crowsnest Pass.  I was armed with a couple of pictures, a laptop, a journal, and a book that I had been reading called Irresistible Revolution (highly recommended).  My thinking was that I would show up at the B & B, lock myself in my room, and cry.

It didn't quite go as planned.  First of all, when at a B & B, you have to leave for your other meals. The host was great for recommending places.  I actually had decent meals in that area of Alberta. Also, even though I quickly unlocked the keychain password on my wife's computer, I needed to unwind.  My brain needed time to cool down.  I ended up watching football both evenings I was there.  I looked at some pictures and had a few good cries, but I mostly enjoyed going out and eating. 

I went to a few establishments, sat at the bar, and enjoyed some really good food.  Twice the establishments were almost empty (very few people travel there in January) and I had great conversations with the bartender in one place and the restaurant owner in the other.  They were naturally curious why I was traveling around there in the winter and I had time to chat with them about it.  The beauty of it was that I had no timeline.  I could sit around and chat and drink as long as I wanted.  I had no goals or deadlines, I just got to be.  People have real lives and thoughts and when
you take the time to get to know them, you are both better for it.  The one lady was from the USA, divorced, living in BC, no support system, working in Alberta.  She was new to her job and obviously not living the life she had intended to live when she moved to Canada.  But she was surviving and glad to chat, since I was the only customer.  The restaurant owner I met introduced my to some Italian liqueur called Frangelico.  Yum.  He was from Italy and we had a great chat about life, death, how things pan out, etc.  I wish he had been willing to share a drink with me, but it was cool just to sit around and chat about his dreams and my dreams and our experiences.  It was good to connect with real people without an agenda.

Looking back on those first couple of days away, I think my body and brain were just able to slow down and prepare for the real work to come at King's Fold.  I also slept a lot.  I was allowed to.  I didn't owe anything to anybody. I also started praying and writing those prayers down. It seemed like the right thing to do and my prayer life had been pretty non-existent since my wife's passing.

I wrote this during that time. It is a reminder of how I felt:  "The pictures are a lot. I saw a woman who loved the moment and wanted to remember it.  Melissa made silly faces and often put herself out there. She wanted to believe that people loved her and that it was genuine. I loved her, but I didn't show her enough. It tears me up that she may have been just asking me to love her and show her and that I might not of. She deserved to be loved all of the time.  What a beautiful woman and a beautiful soul. She dreamed, she shared, she lived. She never gave up."

I concluded with a decision for myself: "Melissa was underappreciated by everyone. I want to stop underappreciating. I want to see the beauty. I want to appreciate what I have. I want to love better and be loved better. And I want to hear from you God."

That is why you write stuff down.  I have had to come to grips with the fact that there were times where I probably wasn't what Melissa deserved.  She was so hopeful and I could have done so much better. Strangely, once I voiced sentiments like that, there was an odd sense of peace that came over me. I think Melissa was with me reading that as I wrote it.  Telling me that she loved me. I didn't realize that until later upon reflection.  I just felt peace.

Sunday morning, I had a fantastic breakfast (seriously good, warm cherries with cream was the appetizer) and headed to the Frank Slide interpretive center.  I felt like exploring.  The Friday night before I left, a buddy of mine and I went to a show that a friend was putting on (props to Lighter than Arrows). They sang a song called 1903 and had a contest to see who could think of what it was about. It turns out it was about the Frank Slide.  I actually really enjoyed the interpretive center mainly to myself because it was Sunday and everyone else was in church (their words, not mine). I connected with the people who lost love ones and their stories and was inspired by the way people picked themselves up and continued on.  Women remarried, children grew up, the community came together. They picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and kept living.  I was inspired by the survivors of Frank Slide.

The rest of the day was lighter.  I went out for 2 meals. I went for a walk.  I watched some football. I got some sleep.  I felt calm. My brain had slowed down and I had written down distractions and worries that were clouding my mind so that I wouldn't have to think about them anymore.  By the time I awoke to another amazing breakfast on Monday morning, I was ready for the next step in my journey.  I loved my time in Crowsnest Pass and left it with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

I stopped in Cochrane for lunch and to pick up some headphones and made it to King's Fold around 2:00.  They welcomed me well and showed me around. There are a couple of things about retreats that I didn't realize.  First, they expect you to sleep a lot.  Second, people usually only come for a couple of days.  I didn't fit into either of those molds.  My time in Crowsnest Pass had allowed me to slow down already and I was there for 4 days. I just don't roll the same way that other people do.

My time was spent doing a variety of things over the next 4 days.  I read, I shared meals, I hiked, I prayed, I listened to music, and I wrote. By the end they made reference to me being a permanent fixture at the center because I had been there for so long. There are a number of things that happened while I was there, but  I want to highlight 3.  The weather was so nice for the first couple of days.

The first thing I did when I got settled, is I went on a prayer walk.  It is called the Road to Emmaus prayer walk.  This is a walk that some disciples did after Jesus had died.  There are about 8 stops along this short trail talking about how various disciples and Jesus's friends reacted to his death.  I know it was about Jesus, but I found myself connecting to their feelings.  How did I feel after Melissa died.  Alone, hopeless, dream crushed, many of the same emotions.  As I went along crying and feeling the emotions, I came to one that quoted Jesus saying that he needed to go away so that the Holy Spirit could come.  The Holy Spirit would be our guide and counselor and comforter. In that moment I realized that I was currently ignoring that aspect of my journey of God.  I prayed right there in the little chapel long and deep that the Holy Spirit would be more present in my life and that I would open my ears to hear and understand. 

On a whim, I took a different path that led downhill to some crosses and followed the other prayer walk backwards toward the center.  As I was doing that I encountered a massive bull that just stared at me.  I took a picture in case it tried to end me so that people would know what had happened.

On Tuesday, I went on an adventure. I wore my big snow boots. There is a path across the river that wraps around and ends up opening onto a meadow for a while until it cuts back in.  I missed the cut back in. I walked the length of the hill along the meadow and ended up on the wrong side of the hill. I decided to follow the river back and headed out hoping and pretty confident I was headed the right way.  I ended up blazing my own path for over an hour and a half, sometimes doubting myself along the way and watching the sun slowly disappear behind the mountains.  At long last I saw that I was close to the camp, but found myself on an island in the middle of the river without a way to get to the bridge I needed to get back to the camp.  I took a risk, tried to stand on an iced over log, and fell in.  That's right, in the middle of January, I fell into the cold river, but made it where I needed to go and back to the center with soaking wet clothes and boots.  No frostbite. That was a fun story to share at dinner that evening that I barely made it in time for.

I shared that story because it was spiritual for me.  I felt like my adventure paralleled my current life situation.  I was out in the wilderness and got lost.  I was on a different path than everyone else.  I am making my own path and way to the destination.  God has gifted me.  He has given me wisdom and talent and ability to assess situations. I may be blazing my own trail, but I'm going to make it.  I need to believe that I have what it takes.  Looking back, I am reassured.  I am reassured that I have the skills I need to be a good dad, person, leader. Sometimes you just need that confidence booster and I think that is what I got, but it was spiritual confidence.

Wednesday and Thursday, I spent a lot of time in my room going through pictures both digital and actual pictures.  It turned out that Melissa kept journals while she was on her Continentals tours and her mission trips.  I was immersed in the world of Melissa before I knew her and definitely before we started dating.  There were hopeful love stories with boys and with God throughout.  The beauty of having read those was I saw this hope in her that someday a guy would see in her what she saw in herself and what she knew God saw in her.  Let's say none of the guys panned out, but she didn't give up.  I'm so glad that she clung to that hope. I rejoice that I saw her.

Thursday lunch at King's Fold is eaten silently.  Everyone sits around and looks at each other but doesn't say anything.  I saw the humor in it.  A mother and her 2 girls showed up during lunch.  It was the most awkward thing because one person went and whispered to them and then they came and sat down but I had to greet the lady who sat with me with a wave and a nod.  These people ended up being significant though.  That evening, I had made it through all the material I had and was interested in conversation and these 3 ladies were playing Catan in the dining hall.  I joined them and just hung out for a couple of hours.  They were great people and super easy to hang out with.  I learned about them, they learned about me. It was good.

The next morning, at breakfast, the mom asked if they could pray for me.  Her and her daughter had woken super early, feeling the need to pray for me.  They had prayed for me then and wanted to pray for me in person.  I never say no to people praying for me, so they caught up to me around 9:30.  They prayed for me and then the older daughter told me that she felt like she needed to tell me that "my wife loves me." It was kind of weird I'll be honest, but I accepted it and after I thanked them and exchanged contact info, they left.  This is not something that happens often at this place from what I gather.  People just kind of keep to themselves. This was special though and I knew it when I looked at my phone and I had a voicemail.  The voicemail was from the medical examiner's office telling me that had the final result in on why Melissa had died.  Until this point, I only had vague information.

This was sensitive for me.  Pretty much this result signified my ability to move forward in my life with the dreams I feel like I have for myself and my family.  Later in the day I was at my parents' (you never know what the examiner is going to say, so I made sure I was near family) and I found out that Melissa had had a heart failure.  This brought me closure. I felt freedom.  I understood that a big part of my retreat was for me to realize that Melissa would always love me, and I her, but that  I was allowed to move forward. I felt a calm and peace about life.

The last part of my time away was shared with a friend who needed to get away as well.  We went to Banff, ate, drank, enjoyed a SPA day complete with massage, facial massage, and pedicures (won't do a pedicure again).  We ate good food and drank good drinks.  By the end of Saturday night, I was ready to stay in (policy to not stumble out of the hotel), but my buddy went out anyway.  I had a very lonely night.  I think the physical touch that came with the massages really made me miss that.  There are very few people that I wouldn't have snuggled that night. It was good I stayed in.  The takeaway for me from that night was just a reminder that I'm allowed to move forward and onward, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy.

God never promised me easy.  I wish he had, but he didn't.  What He has showed me is that I can survive, learn, improve, and push forward toward a good life. Melissa taught me about hope, and now I can have hope.  Hope that there are good things yet to come.  And trust me, I've already experienced so many of those good things.  Thank you Melissa.

What is a Friend?

Hi People... welcome to the New Journey

So life has brought me to this place where it seems like it is time to hash my thoughts out again through writing.  My marriage and relationship with my wife provided me with the outlet and friend who I could talk about pretty much anything with.  My wife's and my marriage was a beautiful one full of love and honesty.  Actually, my wife was probably the more brutally honest one.  I had a way with words to very gently share constructive feedback.  But what we did have was the ability for there to be nothing out of bounds.  We could talk about anything. I miss that completely.

My wife's death brought people out of the woodwork.  Some of them I expected.  Some of them I didn't.  For instance, I probably heard from every ex-girlfriend since high school (wrong, there are a couple I didn't hear from... better that way). What I did not expect is who emerged as my go to people.  The move just over 2 years ago to a new smaller city on the outskirts of the old one changed my wife's and my life forever.  The summer of 2017, my wife and I tried out a new church and found a fountain of loving caring people who quickly became part of our lives.  We actually didn't return to the previous church again.  We weren't angry, but my wife found herself an immediate best friend who you could almost say she had been waiting her whole life for.  The year after can only be described as one the hardest but best years of my wife's life because of the friendships she made at our church.

I similarly connected immediately with a bunch of the guys at our new church. My relationships did not go as deep or as strong as my wife's, but guys take a while to warm up.  I continued to attend a Men's group at my old church and still do to this day.  It's funny how things work. As married couples, usually the wives make the connections and then the guys have survive a couple of play dates as couples before they start to really become friends. Actually, a shared experience is what really grows the bonds between guys.

Anyways, back to the topic.  I miss being able to share my mind and my heart with my wife. As a result I'm looking for others.  As I have traveled this widower journey I've taken note of the friend landscape and it has changed a lot. If I had made a list of people who would be there for me 2 years ago and then compared it to the people who are actually a part of my life right now, you would think it is 2 different people.  It isn't for a lack of reaching out by the old friends either, life just moves forward and changes and makes different kinds of sense. I had a few friends invite me out for a couple of events with old friends, but my heart wasn't there.  They aren't my people anymore.

This got me to thinking about the following questions.  And has me wondering where people sit in my circle now and what the value of each circle is.

How personal and how honest and how vulnerable can you be with your friends?

What qualifies a person as a friend? An acquaintance? a good friend? a best friend? family? a friend with benefits?

Maybe we will leave that last one out.  One of my people mentioned FWB as a message on a dating app that was using and I briefly tried to convince that person that at least they would get a friend out of it.  That possibility was a complete scratch.

Before I get into details, I want to share a few things about myself.  I have not always found it easy to make friends. I guess you could say I was a little snobby and a little nerdy.  Most of my friend making ability was tied to my confidence.  A traumatic grade 6 plummeted my confidence and I became super overly sensitive to social situations.  I avoided situations where I wasn't comfortable and confident and invested completely where I was comfortable.  What that did was limit my potential friend pool and my opportunities for real deep relationships. 

Looking back, my mentor and youth pastor was probably the best friend that I had back then. Unfortunately, that is kind of a one-sided relationship and so I lacked the best friends I longed for.  I had some good friends in some of the girls from my church, but the guys weren't super interested in deeper conversations and so we just did a lot of hanging out. On our mission trips, I saw glimpses of deeper, more meaningful relationships, but those often didn't flourish.

It wasn't until college that my ability to make some stronger friendships grew.  Moving out of my parents's house forced me to be active in the community that I was in whether I had similar values or not.  I can look at those 4 1/2 years in the city to the north and see how my ability to relate to people changed and I made my first 3 best friends by the end of that time.  I learned something about having real committed relationships and my first experiences of committed love.  I also made my fair bit of mistakes and probably hurt a few people along the way.

What I would like to recognize is that it isn't easy to make friends and keep them.  It involves a common resolve by both parties to put the effort in.  That can be really hard to find.

I feel like there are a few aspects to relationships.  Time, longevity, reciprocity, intentionality, vulnerability, investment.

The combinations of these can be wild.  There is the type of relationship where you can spend a ton of time with a person and hardly talk about anything.  For example, a coworker type relationship where you spend tons of time together, but all you ever do is talk or complain about work and know very little else about that person.  The time is there, but it's of little use to you. I would say that is an acquaintance.  Another type of acquaintance is like the neighbor you say hi to when you see them and you may or may not know their name.  I can't tell you the name of my neighbors honestly.  They all kind of stay to themselves and I didn't even know they knew that Melissa had died until the last couple of week when a couple of them said something.

Let's just say that time does not equal friendship.

Now longevity I value.  I would classify a bunch of the people who came to Melissa's memorial as friends still.  Even if we aren't spending time together and hanging out together anymore, what we had all those years back is still valued and we still share a genuine hope and concern for each other. Other people who I would consider friends are people who i can actually spend some time with and actually do some activities or go to a hockey game or something like that with.  Friends are people that have an interest in you and you can dialogue with about life.  They are people that you want and like to spend time with.  Do they know about your doubts about God?  Do they know your deepest fears?  Probably not... and if they did, it has probably changed because they are one of those friends who kind have lasted the test of time.  Friends stand the test of time, otherwise maybe they weren't friends.

This is where my thoughts are at, so I am rolling with it.

Now the rest of the mentioned aspects seem tied to deeper friendships and relationships. Reciprocity, intentionality, vulnerability, investment.  

Reciprocity in a friendship/relationship seem important. There needs to be give and take.  It can't always be one person giving and one person taking or one person sharing and one person listening.  One sided relationships are unhealthy and give control to one partner in that relationship.  It is more like a parent relationship.  Sometimes we forced to endure those unequally balanced relationships in our families.  I don't permit those anywhere else. I've had them, but I'm kind of done with them. In my opinion, a good friend will give and take.  They will share what's going on with them and will also listen to what is going on with you.  If there is advice, it is going both ways. It is reciprocal. I'd say that it is necessary to go anywhere beyond a friend.  Anyone who is a "good friend" has this.

For me, one of the divider lines between friend and good friend is how intentionally you are about being friends.  Do you just show up at all of the same gatherings, or are you trying to intentionally encounter each other?  Best friends do that.  They make time for each other.  They look for and plan to spend time interacting and sharing and growing together.  For instance, I often have childcare for Leeland on Wednesday mornings. I will often try to go for breakfast on Wednesday mornings with people who are my good friends or with people who I hope will be my good friends.  There is kind of a blur there.  This is going to sound weird, but I kind of test drive friends to see if they will be good friends.  I try to be intentional a couple of times, try to show a little vulnerability and wait to see if it is reciprocated.  Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.  

Wednesday mornings don't always work, but there are other people who have different times that work.  My Fridays have kind of become a game night for me where I am looking to get out of the house.  I have one friend who I regularly visit on Friday nights to play games with them and their kids.  Nerd alert: Friday I went and played games with a friend and some of his buddies and played some Dungeons and Dragons.  For now, that particular friend is a good friend and the others are acquaintances, but I appreciated the intentional time we put in. You will be shocked to hear that I put more intentionality into friendships that I want to see grow than ones I am indifferent about.

Major bonus points to friends who call me and try to hang out.  Shout out to you people. If you aren't good friends, you are well on your way to being them.  There is major emphasis at my church on living life together.  People that are trying to do that with me are ascending the friend ranks, that is for sure. Take note, if you want to show me that you want to be closer friends with me, try to intentionally spend some time with me.  Some of my closest friends can attest to the fact that I make contact a lot, but if it is always me, that friendship won't feel intentional and our status may change.

Now that makes it sound like there are lists of people who are sitting in a category.  There is no such list.  If someone comes to mind, I can probably at least place them somewhere, but I haven't yet.

I think the biggest hindrance to deeper friendships is people's fear of getting hurt.  I have definitely been hurt in various friendships and relationships and have carried insecurities around that for a long time. The trouble is that trust is a lot easier to break than to build.  Sometimes it can take a long time until I feel comfortable being any kind of vulnerable with another person (if it ever happens). I've played the game and patiently waited for those moments often to find out the other person has zero interest in that.  Previously, I have kept those people around just to have them around.

With my best friend and wife recently stripped away, it stripped away my patience with people who I can't trust.  I have very little interest in surface relationships (acquaintances) anymore.  I only have so much time to live and there are important things to do and know. Mutual vulnerability is the most important part to a deep friendship or relationship.  If I tell someone something personal to me, a goal, a fear, an honest thought, I am trusting the other person to respect that thought. Ideally, that person shares something personal that requires some trust in me as well.

Imagine you tell a friend that you are secretly scared of heights.  That friend laughs at you and tells you that the fear is irrational and pretty much tells you that this legit fear that you have is stupid.  Does that build trust in your friend? Do you want to share something else personal with that person? No... you don't.  Another thing that happens is you share something personal and that person just glosses over it and pretends that they didn't hear it.  That definitely doesn't inspire trust and thus stalls that friendship from progressing.  Acknowledging that you heard what was being said is key.

I think a lot of people have a sixth sense about the value of a relationship.  Some people may call it discernment.  I just know sometimes that I should get to know someone better.  Rarely am I wrong about this. 

I have made some good friends with some unlikely people in the last 4 months. The most common thread has been that these people have been through some similar type of loss.  Those who have experienced loss understand many of the feelings I am having and seem to appreciate sharing out of their own experiences with me.  When that type of vulnerability happens, trust is built and I now have a foundation for a good friendship.

Don't get me wrong.  Although I'm a math teacher, I don't have a formula for this.  I'm just looking back on things and realizing what has happened.  This has come about for me out of experience and doing what I needed to survive.  What I love about it is that although my friendship pool has changed, I am experiencing some rich friendship and deep discussion.  I am having the chance to be an encouragement to others and be encouraged.

This last factor is touchy.  I put this on the list because I believe is what really pushes things over the top.  It's the investment that a person makes. If you have 2 people investing in their friendship / relationship, you are headed for a really strong relationship.  When I say investing, I mean showing that you believe in them.  It can literally mean investing in their company or idea.  It could also mean investing time and energy into their well being or their stuff.  Betting on them.  When people have other people in their corner believing in them, that makes for really strong relationship.

I recently talked to someone about this and they told me it is really important to them not to feel obligated to reciprocate.  They dislike receiving... they don't like the silent contract involved.

I get this, but if you end up in a relationship where people are investing in each other because they believe in each other, not because they are looking for returns, you end up with an ultimate relationship.  With Melissa, we invested in her education... she almost became a counselor.  I also invested in her wellness, her spiritual growth, things that fulfilled her.  I know I'm describing a married couple, but when you invest in each other, you know you are loved and valued and that grows that relationship and erases doubt about it.

I'm going to finish this off by thanking people who have been super long lasting friends and who reached out when tragedy struck.  It mattered.  I want to say thank you to my family who have been there for me more than anyone else in the last 4 months and for constantly providing me with opportunities to connect with other adults. I want to say thank you to the people who have become my closest friends.  By the end of this post, you will probably know where you fit with me too.

Are all the factors present in our friendship or in your other ones?

I literally have put no research into this... it is all just tumbling out of my head. I hope it rings true for you and that you consider the types of friendships and relationships you are fostering.  If you can't find anyone I'm making new friends right now.  Tell me your story. Spend time with me.  Maybe you are my next best friend.

I don't know where this blog is going to go from here.. but step one is putting something out there again.  Special thanks to the friend who inspired me to get back to this. It felt good.