I Love my Grandma / Joy Expressions

Hey, guess what... I love my Grandma. I spent a lot of the evening talking to her. She is the perfect example of someone who has grown with God throughout her whole life. She is the most godly person that I know. When I take time to talk to her or spend time with her, it is like I imagine it must have been like for young adults to hang out with Jesus. She speaks of God all the time. How she is allowing God to direct her life and how she has need to submit to His plan. What a blessing it has been to grow up with her encouraging me and caring about my relationship with God. She asks tough questions and cares about the answers. She also tries to understand the answers. It seems like the rest of my family doesn't take the time they should to talk to her and get to know who she is and what she thinks, and what she thinks matters. Grandparents can have a profound or negligent effect on their grandchildren. I have a grandmother who prays for me everyday by name. Do you know how a person praying for you specifically everyday without fail effects a person's life? Well, I guarantee you that it has positive effects on my life. Some people I know would call me blessed... I think I am. I believe that God has answered my gradnmother's prayers. I don't want to sound cocky, but hear me out... My spiritual journey has been interesting to say the least. What it amounts to though, is that I take a lot of steps of faith. I make decisions based on what I perceive to be God's leading. Usually, God blessed my decision. It has been really cool. I guess I don't feel like going on about that right now.

What comes to mind now is: How does one approach the sense that God has blessed you without making others jealous and finding pride in it. I guess Paul would call it taking pride in what God has done for you and through you. That sounds easy enough, but it isn't. I actually end up not saying much at all about how God has blessed me. I don't want people to think that God doesn't love them as much or anything like that. It is a weird place to be. I don't know if anyone understands it. I don't even know what I am trying to get at except that it is tough to have joy in the Lord and in life when so many friends don't share that joy. So many people in the world are hurting and needing someone to care. I feel almost bad sharing about the joy in my life. A joyful person is lucky, and should keep it to themselves, shouldn't they? These are questions that continue to hound me.

I have realized that I look sad alot, I wonder why? Is it because I try to fit in? Is it because deep somewhere that I don't know about I am lonely? Is it because I have something to be sad about? Do I really look sad? I would love to say that there is a sparkle in my eye that expresses a joy for life... but is there? I am blessed, so shouldn't I be joyful? What a whirlwind we live in. What a flux of emotion and desperation. What a frail existence when it takes only a few words to destroy a person's life or change them profoundly for life. How bizarre. I know that it happens to me alot... sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. Have you ever had anyone tell you that your joy is making them depressed? It has happenned to me. Now I have fear to be joyful. There must always be something to complain about or to be dealing with that isn't pretty that can make us sad.

How -bout this question... Have you ever wished that someone would bare their soul to you... that there would be no fear and that they could be their real selves to you, and that in return could do that to them? That they could see the parts of you that aren't even in your power to reveal? That is what I long for. That is what I have with God, except I cannot comprehend God's entire heart and soul the way that he understands mine. I wish I could try to see to that kind of depth with a person in front of me. That the discomfort of it wouldn't be there and that the conversation could last as long as it needed to... no deadlines or things to do or places to be. That is how I wish it was with God too. Yet, the closest we have is retreats, weekends, holidays, scheduled 'solo' times where we spend time close to God for a couple of hours or a day. But how unhindered is that, and even in that time we take time to eat and unfocus. Where is it in us that tells us not to devote ourselves to any one person or God. Are we scared. Scared of being hurt? Disappointed... Maybe we will find things we don't like and want to cover up.

I also want to know what Erin wants to know... Why is it that we open up to get hurt? Why do we always hope that the wrong people will want us or like us or being something they aren't for us? People are so screwed up... I am one of the most. I don't even allow myself to think about most of these questions or what actually feel or think, or to express it.

For instance... I have not taken the time to even for myself express how I feel about Taryn. She won't care either. I think she doesn't really care right now. I am definitely not turning to the right person to hear me out at the moment. She is like my last two girlfriends who didn't take time to actually care about me the way I deserve. Where does that leave me at? Wishing... wishing there wasn't some dumbass (who probably isn't a dumbass) named Dave that she likes. Wishing that I had been around over the Summer months when she actually liked me and I could have made a quick move and seen if I could get what I want. Or wishing that I don't depned on God to work through patience in His time and just go out and try to fulfill my desires on my own. I know how untrue all that I just wrote is, but the feelings creep in. Is that scary for you?

You know what is really depressing? Listening to songs about good relationships or people spilling their guts to someone they love. Who the hell actually gets to do that? And... How often is that kind of thing positively accepted? Usually we get rejected and sent off bleeding and feeling eternally hurt. What the hell is up with that? I do it to people just as often as they do it to me. I am sure there is plenty of girls out there right now saying the same thing about me... I am a total jerk and selfish. Maybe my caring is just surface. Maybe if I really cared I would throw my own feelings out the door and sacrifice my life to make one of those girls lives the most wonderful that I can. But am I what they really want? I bet they don't even know...!! ha

This is the most selfish sounding thing I think that I have ever written. Selfishness is disturbing. I disturb myself in that category. Maybe all this waiting for God and being unsure is a whole selfishness thing with me. Maybe I just have my own slacker selfish motives for not moving on with my life... Holy cow... What is going on... I don't like myself very much right now. The truth is though that the people who would probably be most affected by this insight into my soul won't even see this because I am too scared to let them in. I don't believe they care enough. And I have to protect myself. Who can be completely vulnerable??? ARRRRR!!!!

More Shout-outs... (for the GIRLS)

So hey, last night I spent a good hour shouting out to the girls... but then through bad circumstances lost it. SO this is shot at it number 2... It has been quite a short day for me up to this point... I slept in until 12. this afternoon. It was pretty nice, except I realized that my whole morning was down the hole. Anyways, went to work came back home... watched some football... That's about all for my day.

So, I should probably start out my friends list of girls with Melynda, Rachel, and Christine... These girls are my oldest friends. Christine especially has known me since the elementary days. The reason that these 3 girls are some of my greatest friends is that they have known me as I have changed. The other thing about them is that we are all at the point where we don't worry about the dating thing anymore. It is pretty clear to all of us that I am not going to marry any of them, so we are free to just be special friends and be there for eachother.

Sweet... this next paragraph will be pretty random. So, I have all these people that come into my life... Some stick around and some don't, but they all mean a lot to me. I care about all of their well-being. People like Jamie, Carolyn, Nadine, Jesse, Meridith, Kim, Danielle, Megan, Stephanie, Sharalee, Dana, Jen, Clarabelle, Lydia, Angie, Amanda. These are all people who I care about and hope have happy lives and that I get to hear about it. They all had an impact on me and who I am. I love them all.

Next is the fun part of this. Erin, you are so cool. It has been a priviledge to be your friend for so long. You know my thoughts pretty well, although I'm sure there is some things that even you don't know. However, we are pretty much best friends now which is so cool. We are very similar and back eachother up. We know a lot of the same people, and have oddly similar opinions on most of them. The cool thing is that a lot of the time we don't even have to say something. We just know what the other person is thinking. You have been a constant friend who easily could have been lost if it was up to me. My newest close friends are Taryn and Brittney. They probably don't even know what their friendships mean to me, but they are pretty sweet girls, and I consider it an honor to be their friend. Brittney is a wild girl who is an open book and not afraid at all to talk about anything. She is smart, has opinions on things and did I say honest? Anyways, I love her. I hope to get to know her even better, or to the point that we can hang out all the time. Not just for entertainment sake, but for company and encouragement. I think it would be healthy for both of us if we bacame more comfortable and able to just hang out. I think it would do her good to be away from her family more. Taryn, I like still. There is a glow that she has and a way of thinking and doing and being, and a passion for God that I have tons of respect for. I see in her a leader that could relate with me. She has the same kind of leadership style and care for people. She also has qualities that I respect so much and really cannot compare to. They are to admire. At the moment, I pretty much just hope that I am good enough for her, and yet often I think that she may just think that she isn't good enough for me. Anyways, she likes someone else at the moment. She is seeing where that takes her. That means that almost the better thing is happenning and I am becoming pretty good friends with her. I hope that we can maintain it, although, I do kind of fear that this guy will get in the way of that. But if that is the way of it so be it... ah who am I kidding. I'll probably be really jealous, but supportive because I respect her so much that I can respect that kind of decision too. Anyways, whatever happens, these last 3 people that I mentioned are the ones on my mind recently. The ones who have been the most present in my life. I lose sleep over Taryn, just cause maybe that is what liking someone does to you.

Anyways, You may not have wanted to read any of that, but it was your choice. This is my blog and I will write whatever I want. And although this could seem forward, it is the stuff that probably a lot of people wish they could share and don't. So, I won't know if you have read it, and I won't treat you any different because of something you have read about here.

The First Go

Yeah, I think this is going to be hard to read, but I like yellow. So I like hiphop music...I'm listening to Christian-hiphop.net right now. It has some pretty decent vibes. Hiphop and rap is my style of music, you should know that though... I have a couple of friends right now who are trying to get me to like rock & country. There is a little bit of okay rock, but not a lot.

At the moment I have some pretty close firends... well people I would say taht I care a lot about. I guess I will start with the guys... welll you know, it is weird, I have a lot more close friends who are girls. I wonder why that is... Anyways, just to remind myself maybe in the future. SO Nathan Van Neck and Nathan Dekker are really important to me. They were my roomates when I moved out of dorm in Edmonton. We were really close roomates and had lots of deep conversations. Mikey Laird is still my best friend at the moment. We have been through a lot of stuff. I hope to visit him when he comes home over Christmas. My brother is one of my best friends. I think we approach our lives very differently. But we are always there for eachother. I couldn't ask for a better brother. You will probably get to hear a lot about him, cause I live with my family at the moment. Adam Wiebe was a roomate of mine at NABC the last year that is was NABC. He and I just get along really well. I love the guy and I miss hanging out with him. He is following God's call on his life right now. He lives in Onoway. My too oldest guy friends are Jason Green and Mike Ohlhauser. We grew up in elementary Sunday School together. I haven't seen Jason for awhile and he probably doesn't consider me an immeadiate friend anymore, but I'm sure%

Dang it, I just typed so much about my friends who are girls... and lost it. I will have to get back to that. It was therapeutic for me, but you won't hear it until later... sorry!!