Unbridled Truth
One of my friends is working on bringing to light the idea of wrestling with God. She believes that wrestling God is something God wants us to do and that so often life's circumstances require us to question and fight with God.
I believe I have entered a time in my life where I need to start questioning God, not only on what he has allowed to happen through the death of Melissa, but also on the direction that he is tugging my heart strings and my intrigues.
A reminder came to me today that as a Christian, "Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." Colossians 1:27 (NLT) and later "In him lie hidden all the treasure of wisdom and knowledge. I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments." Colossians 2:3-4 This is what I am wrestling with. It seems to me that because Christ himself lives in me and the Holy Spirit is here to help me and be my guide, I should be able to trust my inner peace or inner thought. I should be able to trust that the reason I am noticing something, it is because Christ is in me leading me to that.
I fear it though. I fear what I might discover if I follow that leading and realize that my beliefs about the world and about God will be rocked and changed. I don't know if that is an ok fear to have. Deep in my soul, if I believe nothing else, I believe that those who seek truth will find it. And that search leads to God. I believe it whole-heartedly. I trust that God leads people to himself through truth. So then why do I fear that my rigid opinions and points of view will be changed? If they are changed, they should be changed by truth and by the Holy Spirit who I have promised to guide me and through Christ who dwells in me. Right?
This is context for my battle. A number of people have become closer to me since Melissa's death. A minimum of 3 different people from different angles have recently told me similar things about God and how the world works. These people don't know each other and weren't nearly as close before Melissa died. Why have all 3 of these of these people been intriguing to me and why are they all giving me similar thoughts and information?
My gut feeling draws me towards these people. I enjoy being around them and I want to be around them more. I want to talk to them and discuss "real" things and I enjoy being around them. Is it coincidence that they have all talked to be about the same kind of stuff? I would say not. There is something to it. Here is the main thing I am hearing from these particular people. "Stop putting a box on God. To find truth, you need to let go of your filters and you need to be open to whatever truth you find."
"If I find truth, I need to be willing to follow it." It is a stance of openness. Do I trust that voice? Do I trust God to reveal His truth. Do I trust God that the truth I am led to takes me to him? This is hesitancy. This is my fear. This is my fight. I don't have an answer yet. I don't know if I should trust this obvious sign that I have in front of me, but make myself vulnerable.
These last 5 months have allowed me to have shockingly vulnerable conversations and interactions. I think there is a very small filter left when it comes to what I share with who. And I challenge myself on it when I start to feel hesitant. I think God is really calling me to be authentic. Can I also be humble? Can I trust God to take me through an experience and discern the truths and the lies? Can I lose something of my relationship with God just by trying something?
I don't think so. So I'm leaving things here, without a solution and without an answer to my ponderings. Am I just scared of change, or do I have legit fear that requires caution. I think I know my answers, but I don't know if I'm gutsy enough to act on them. If you read this, pray for me. I think that having others pray for me will be my strongest weapon in my quest to find truth and as I try to discern where God is pointing me.
I believe I have entered a time in my life where I need to start questioning God, not only on what he has allowed to happen through the death of Melissa, but also on the direction that he is tugging my heart strings and my intrigues.
A reminder came to me today that as a Christian, "Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." Colossians 1:27 (NLT) and later "In him lie hidden all the treasure of wisdom and knowledge. I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments." Colossians 2:3-4 This is what I am wrestling with. It seems to me that because Christ himself lives in me and the Holy Spirit is here to help me and be my guide, I should be able to trust my inner peace or inner thought. I should be able to trust that the reason I am noticing something, it is because Christ is in me leading me to that.
I fear it though. I fear what I might discover if I follow that leading and realize that my beliefs about the world and about God will be rocked and changed. I don't know if that is an ok fear to have. Deep in my soul, if I believe nothing else, I believe that those who seek truth will find it. And that search leads to God. I believe it whole-heartedly. I trust that God leads people to himself through truth. So then why do I fear that my rigid opinions and points of view will be changed? If they are changed, they should be changed by truth and by the Holy Spirit who I have promised to guide me and through Christ who dwells in me. Right?
This is context for my battle. A number of people have become closer to me since Melissa's death. A minimum of 3 different people from different angles have recently told me similar things about God and how the world works. These people don't know each other and weren't nearly as close before Melissa died. Why have all 3 of these of these people been intriguing to me and why are they all giving me similar thoughts and information?
My gut feeling draws me towards these people. I enjoy being around them and I want to be around them more. I want to talk to them and discuss "real" things and I enjoy being around them. Is it coincidence that they have all talked to be about the same kind of stuff? I would say not. There is something to it. Here is the main thing I am hearing from these particular people. "Stop putting a box on God. To find truth, you need to let go of your filters and you need to be open to whatever truth you find."
"If I find truth, I need to be willing to follow it." It is a stance of openness. Do I trust that voice? Do I trust God to reveal His truth. Do I trust God that the truth I am led to takes me to him? This is hesitancy. This is my fear. This is my fight. I don't have an answer yet. I don't know if I should trust this obvious sign that I have in front of me, but make myself vulnerable.
These last 5 months have allowed me to have shockingly vulnerable conversations and interactions. I think there is a very small filter left when it comes to what I share with who. And I challenge myself on it when I start to feel hesitant. I think God is really calling me to be authentic. Can I also be humble? Can I trust God to take me through an experience and discern the truths and the lies? Can I lose something of my relationship with God just by trying something?
I don't think so. So I'm leaving things here, without a solution and without an answer to my ponderings. Am I just scared of change, or do I have legit fear that requires caution. I think I know my answers, but I don't know if I'm gutsy enough to act on them. If you read this, pray for me. I think that having others pray for me will be my strongest weapon in my quest to find truth and as I try to discern where God is pointing me.
Labels: The New Journey
1 Comments:
As follow up to this, I just want to share that I have challenged some of my views and have given myself permission to explore. I started yoga in July, and I continue to go pretty consistently. I have a lot less fear of the "unknown" and do believe that I can trust my gut. My understanding of how the body is connected to emotions has increased and my ability to still my mind has helped me deal with a lot of stress. I do believe it is something God led me to as a healthy way to stay healthy and deal with my circumstances. Just thought I should follow up the open-ended way that I finished this post.
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