Older than I realized, could be good...!

You want to know what is weird? This weekend, there is a bunch of university kids from the U of L at Pioneer. The weird part is that the oldest ones are maybe 21 years old in their 4th year of University. That is young man. I'm 24 and have progressed quite a bit beyond the University mindset I am quickly realizing. I am actually trying to have my life take some meaning rather than spending hours and days and months and years in school with a distant goal I am trying to achieve. It makes it a lot easier to not even consider flirting with the girls which is a good thing, but it is rather weird to see such yound people out of high school.

Do you want some advice? Probably not, but I'll give you some anyway. Don't spray your hair products in your room. It makes your room unapproachable. Also, if you want to keep guys away from your room, do spray hair products in your room. The tremendous smell of that stuff stinks to high heaven. It is creepying down the hallway. I am scared it is going to invade my room. Haha. I am feeling in a really weird mood right now. I am kind of content with my lot today. I like a girl who is willing to hang out with me because we are friends. I haven't said a thing yet. That time may come, but it won't be an awkward transition when I do because I'm not going to say anything until we are already super close.

Today, this girl I like came and complained to me about the people who are here and how she just doesn't have anything in common to talk about with them. Score... I don't have any reason to feel threatened at all by these guys. Otherwise a little bit of jealousy might creep out of me and I might be a little edgy. As it is, I don't worry at all. So, I don't know what else to say so I leave it short and sweet. If you read this, cool, let me know just so I know if someone is reading this stuff. Take care, Ben

Back to God

It has been hard reading the Bible recently for me. I still haven't completely committed myself to God's plans for me. I've feel like I have lost some of my wisdom. People are thinking for themselves more and seem to have been able to accomplish what I set out to accomplish a long time ago. I wanted to dedicate myself completely to God and his work and yet have found myself being selfish and going after what I want. I rely on God to provide me opportunities to move me from step to step. The thing is that I am worrying if I will ever be able to move past the stage in my life that I am in. I am worried about what I am to become. Why? Because I am not trusting God enough. I am not relying on God to lead me daily. I am relying on my own knowledge and decisions. Out at this new camp, I am not seen as a servant of God... At least I don't see myself that way all the time. I have been melicious and selfish. I have been angry, grumpy, loud, abnoxious and rude. I have steered clear of my God. I used to talk about Him all the time and now I don't know him well enough to talk about Him clearly. I don't pay Him attention. I should. I really should. He needs to be personal again.
I left my X-box at home so that it wouldn't distract me out here at camp any more, but I still have books and people to distract me. I still have music and day-dreaming to keep my mind off God. Please forgive me God. Help me to meet with you again!!

The Comeback

Well, it has been so long since I wrote something on here that everyone has probably forgotten that it exists. Oh well... Anyways, I have no idea why I began writing today. Bored... feel like I have neglected my friends who used to read this thing. The truth is I am still growing and changing. I still have no idea where life is going to take me.... surprise !? I am faced with a problem regarding this summer. I am looking at staying at Pioneer Ranch Camps for the Summer. I would be the Climbing Wall supervisor... yikes. I would get trained to operate it, and would do a good job. The problem is... I love Camp Caroline. I would love to go back and work at that camp. They love me, I love them, and I feel comfortable there. Is a forth summer at that camp going to be worth anything though? The problem isn't just at that level, it is at a heart level. I don't know if my heart would be there if I went back this summer. I don't know if it will be at Pioneer Ranch either.
The big problem is that at this moment, my heart is being tugged by a person. She doesn't know it and I am not about to act on it. With the potential of working with someone for the next 8 months... a dating relationship seems well out of place. A fallout from something like that could make my remaining time out here pretty awkward and crappy. The other problem with that proposal is that I have no idea how she feels toward me. I know that I am pretty likeable and datable, but I really know how this person thinks or feels in regards to me.
I have been completely avoided this topic with anyone most of the time. I just need to throw something out there in the form of this blog. I still have trouble finding anybody who I can remotely feel that I can trust completely. Someone who will connect with me and try to understand me. Someone who won't judge me. I have weird ideas and some aren't logical and I need someone to stand by me and listen and let me know that it is okay to think the way that I think. I think this girl who I like could be someone like that if she decided to be. I think the person who I end up with for my life will be like that. I like to listen to her and she is smart and quick on her toes. I think this thing will develop over time, but we will see what happens. If you want to, you can pray for me. Pray for my growing process and my patience. Also, the friends I have through TEC are important to me. I am almost never there anymore, but I made some good friends through that place and I feel the need to let them know that they do matter to me. That was an important part of my life that I will not forget. God bless all!!