Losing Hatred

Hey, so something else I wanted to talk about... I just realized really recently that I hate losing. Now, that doesn't seem like a big deal. However, for me it is. I tend to judge myself by competition. I probably have a little bit of my mom in me and want to be right. My brother and I argue quite a bit over little things just cause we want to be right. Now, this absolutely effects my life. I never want to lose or be wrong. So, when there is a possibility that I may lose or be wrong, or even get hurt, I tend to either not try, or be very careful. Now, over years of living like this I have gotten very good at judging whether I have potential to win or lose in a situation. I actually tend to set things up so that I have least chance of losing. The truth is though, I have never awknowledged this before. I can see when I play games that I am neither a great winner nor loser, but especially not a good loser. It bothers me if I am wrong about something because I consider myself pretty smart. Anyways, what I am trying to get at is this display of tendencies reveals my selfishness. The need to win is a selfish thing. Now, this goes beyond games, this goes into relationships, goals, activities I involve myself in, and the list goes on. I don't like it.

I don't want to be selfish. I want to be fair, and give things a chance, just for the opportunity of success. I am so reserved and controlled going back to yesterday's blog. And I don't want to rate things by how successful they are. It should be more how successful I was at loving people and God. We don't always get to be choosy about where we go, what we do, who we are with, and I should take that as an opportunity instead of a way in which to cut losses. Anyways, I am going to think more on this over the next while. Just another insight into me..!

Ben being Ben

So, it has been a long time. What can I say. I don't want to say anything not worth saying. Why rack my brain for something? If it doesn't flow out, I might not really be thinking it. Anyways...

So, I am realizing that life as me is a balancing act. I have to balance everything. Control, Balance. You can never go all out at anything. There are always rules that restrain what I do. This is really frustrating for me. I can be too loving, or too angry. I can be too concerned, or too apathetic. The truth it that I can't think of a time where I got to do exactly what I wanted when I wanted to, or been able to act on my raw emotions exactly the way I wanted to. I am too scared. In the moment, there are a lot of things that seem permissable, which unchecked could be okay, until I have to deal with the consequences later. Sometimes it seems like a good idea to make out with a girl, or make a promise, or beat the hell out of someone, or take that shot at a person that could be devastating emotionally. There is rules in sports... even in boxing, and war. The people who finally decide not to control themselves all end up in psych wards. Here is what I am looking for. I am looking for the freedom that it talks about in the Bible. The end of the law. The truth is, that I feel like I can't even have no boundaries in the good way. I feel like I am not allowed to be completely compassionate, completely giving, loving, thankful, appreciative... I am not allowed to love too much. There is danger. If I love too much, I will get hurt. If I am too giving, people will take advantage. It is just ridiculous. I can be too good. I can lead people on because my goodness is taken as desire.

You want to know what my life is like? It is wanting to do so many things and restraining myself from them. It is constantly weighing in my head how far I can go with a good thing before I have to put limits on it. It is constantly second guessing whether I approached a situation correctly. I want to completely dedicate myself to God and let myself free. But, there is always questions about money, jobs, respectability, risk... Comfortability is so overrated, yet, I think I strive all the time to be comfortable. The best times, the unrestrained times are usually when I am doing something uncomfortable. Oh I need guidance... There are things racing around in my head that I cannot express, or even pinpoint. I need help with this... I should turn to God. I think I will... Catch ya journal some other time... hopefully when I at least feel better about my thoughts..

Very Weird for Me

So, here is what I think. I don't know what I want still. I definitely have gotten out to know a number of people, and have had enough girls like me, but I have no bloody clue what I want. I want to not get hurt... I want for somebody to love me and care for me just as much as I care for that someone. I want to care about that certain someone to the extreme. What is the point if I don't? Anyways, I feel pressure. Everyone else is worried about dating, and I can't even make up my mind if I want to even see where a friendship with a person goes. I hate my indecision and lack of purpose. I care about people, I think alot, and I like to have a good time. But, I have no conviction right now to decide what my life should be. All I have is regret that I don't know. That really sucks. What do I do with so many opportunities presented to me... heck even parents want me to date their kids. If this was the olden days, I could get rich if I picked the right prospect. Damn it. Yet, here I stand without purpose and dream that would give that edge to push on... that would cause that one person that I finally decide to care about to risk it all for me. I know how much I mean to some people, and I am really sorry. My heart has no sense. I am really loved by some girls, yet i don't want to marry them. I cannot explain the reason. They care about me so much, and I care about them, but it doesn't feel right to date and marry them. How do I justify this? I can't, my heart just runs frickin wild and I am slave to it. Despite all my godly ideals and practical ways at looking at things, I am unable to sway my heart. I really loved Kim, and a year later it is still hard to let that go. The most releasing factor is that she didn't care about me as much as I cared about her... but yet those memories are still there, and I remember how it felt to really be in love. That isn't hitting me right now. I am not so deeply in love as I was with Kim. Therefore, I am really scared of hurting girls. I am scared of saying something, and then realizing that that isn't what I really meant. I am terrified of girls. I am terrified of how I can hurt them and how they can hurt me. I am even afraid of dates that aren't completely defined. A date doesn't even have a commitment involved, yet I am scared of the commitment that my body could make and that I may not be ablee to live up to. Girls are so beautiful and are worthy of such respect. Yet, all it would take is for a guy like me to come along, and ruin the preciousness of it. I just need to go out on a date, start making out, touch what is annappropriate to touch, and try t oconvince myself that it was just a date and didn't mean anything. Well, of course it means something. It is not fair for me to get my romantic physical fix from some hopeful girl, who is hopelessly fallen for me, and can't help it. What a damn weird circumstance. Some women just think that I am the hottest thing around. Laugh at me now, dumb schoolmates who made fun of me. There is pressure in that though too. Girls rightfully expect a lot, and I have no idea if I am willing to live up to those expectations or give them as much as they deserve. Anyways, I am getting up so early, it was just important to get this started.... hopefully this isn't the end of it.

Wisdom, Stature, and Favor

Hey, this marks the 2 week anniversary of me posting blogs on my site... yay... I have gotten through a lot of content in 2 weeks I would suggest. And the more I use this the more I will learn about some things. When I first decided to write some stuff down... I had a lot of stuff on my mind. Slowly it has been coming out and I haven't had as much stuff to say and not near as vehemently. But, I'm sure there will be days when I will still have a lot to say, and it will be really important for me to write down. One thing I discovered is that you always write your best stuff when you care about what you are writing about. At least that is very true for me. If I have a feeling to accompany my thoughts and writing, it will definitely be improved.

HAHAHA... why not laugh? Tis the season to celebrate that Jesus came to earth. And no metter how ridiculous it sounds, he did. Honestly, it doesn't seem like the greatest plan from a human perspective... but when I put in further thought and actually realize how personal it all is, it makes complete sense. It also shows a great example of how we should approach life. One of the coolest things about Jesus' life is that he doesn't do his first miracle until he is 30. I wonder how he lived the first thirty years of his life. I'm 23, I have 7 more years to go until I turn 30. So, the point I am trying to make is that I don't really have a clear model for living at this point in my life. We do know from Matthew 2:52 that "And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." So, is that our role for the first 30 years of our life? We grow in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men. What does that mean for me? How do I do that? I think I will get into this verse a bit... It is interesting me at the moment.

So, How do I grow in favor with God? I don't know my opinion on that yet, so let's talk about what I do know or believe. I know that I can read the Bible and try to apply the words found in it to my life. I can also purely just try to understand the Bible. I think one of the other most important things I can do is spend time with him. I need to spend time in prayer and in contemplation, trying to hear what he is telling me. A lot of the listening part comes from the Bible as well. I can try to become pure, and upright. A man of love and dignity. Not for my own recognition, but for the ministry God will have for me and to show God my love in return from His. That would maybe get into growing in favor with men as well. In men I believe they intend to include women as well. So how do I grow in favor with people? Well, probably by focusing on some of my top priorities... honesty, the fruits of the spirit. I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Gentleness, Goodness, Fatihfulness, Kindness, and Self-Contorl. If you try to make your life reflect these things... I don't think that you could help but grow in favor with men. There are a few ways to gain respect... but the way Jesus tells us to use is through these, primarily love. I like to think that I am in the process of all this stuff. I am growing and developping and becoming more wise. It is always great to think that you are getting smarter, so I don't want to brag about that. I do honestly feel that way though. Anyways, that is pretty little when it comes to what you should do with your adulthood in trying to imitate Christ. I know that one thing he asks us to do is to love the children. I am pretty good at that most of the time. Sidetrack. What the heck is stature. Does that mean he turned into a strongman? Does that mean that he got tall and grew physically? Does that mean that he ascended the social ranks? Did he rise to the upper class? Did he join the militia? The truth is, I think that he grew as a man. He learned how to be a man. How to care about people. How to protect people. How to be there for people when they were hurting. How to deal with conflict. He learned how to work. He learned to respect his parents. He learned who he was. He learned God's plan for his life. He prepared for God's plan for his life. He learned about society, and how to stay out of trouble. He probably learned how to deal with women. I wish I could learn directly from him when it comes to that. It is funny how the whole verse seems to refer to the same thing. Wisdom and stature... the way I am describing it is the same thing. What else could stature refer to? Maybe it just means bodily size and physical strength. Who knows. The turth is though... that what I am describing here is pretty much no different from what growing as a Christian should be. I don't believe that at the age of 30 we stop all this stuff. Do you? Did Jesus? What more can I say, except that I need to see where this takes me. Maybe when I turn 30 I will understand a bit more what that verse means. Anyways, that was fun!!! It is nice to bust out about a Bible verse...

The truth is, there is a similar verse to that in 1 Samuel 2:26. Samuel supposedly did the same thing? Those are two people probably worth immitating as one grows into a man. Alright, I'm done for now... you never know what else could come up!! hehe

short and light

this is all for today

ROSETTE LYRICS

Crushed


I told myself today was gonna be the day
No more excuses 'cuz I knew exactly what to say
Was gonna make my play but just like yesterday
My mind in waste and I let the moment slip away
Another night got me sitting here all on my own
Picking up the phone,
But i cant get past the dial tone
Rocking my brain
Going insane
Again and again
I cant keep going this way

[CHORUS]
CRUSHED,
By the sweetest lips ive never kissed
How you bring the tips and the warmest touch Ive always missed
CRUSHED,
By the softest hands ive never held
Probably never tell,
You're the strongest love that Ive ever felt
CRUSHED,
That I havent ever let you know
How it always goes
Cuz I lose my nerve whenever you get close
And so Im left,
Short of breath
With that heavy feeling in my chest
Baby Im so crushed

So I told myself that tomorrow gonna be the day
And I keep on telling myself that Im gonna find a way
And I wont be afraid just like yesterday
Wont walk away never gonna let another chance slip away
Cuz' I gotta know which ever way its gonna go
Rest my heart and soul
Cuz' there can never be no more
Rocking my brain
Going insane
Again and again
I wont keep going this way

[CHORUS]

Crushing,
Im so into to you
Dont know what Im gonna do
Gotta find a way to you
I dont know just what to do
Crushing,
Im so into to you
Dont know what Im gonna do
Gotta find a way to youuu
Ohhhh Imm
Crushing,
Im so into you
Dont know what Im gonna do
Gotta find a way to Youuuuuuu Ohohohhhh
And so Im left,
Short of breath
With that heavy feeling in my chest
Baby im so
Cruuuushed

a Gift?

So, now you have read how my weekend is shaping up, so should I start talking about my version of stress or something else? How about I talk about what I think about schedules... na, I hate them, I'll leave it at that. When I talked to my youth pastor about not having some skills that I thought I should have to be a youth pastor, I heard that when it comes to ministry ideally you will absolutely love 70% of it and absolutely hate 30% of it. If you feel called to ministry, God will provide everything. He will use your strengths and weaknesses. Don't let something you think that you aren't good at block your way. If you feel passionately called to do something at a certain church, go there and tell them. God will make a place for you if that is what he wants you to do. So, what my strengths and weaknesses are doesn't really matter. It may help me determine where my passion is, but that is about as far as they need to be evaluated.

What else should I get into... I'm looking to hit that flow that I get when I really start expressing what is my deepest thoughts at the moment. Where something profound comes out. I like it when I get there. I feel like the day's thinking has been productive then. Sometimes I feel like life forces me to be unnatural. Here is the dilemma in my life. I love hanging with people and chatting with people, but I don't often initiate it. I guess at heart I am still really shy. I also probably over-analyze things a little too much like I hear many girls do. So, I often wonder, do I annoy this person by always being the first person to initiate communication. Would this person still be my friend if I didn't. The truth is that you probably wouldn't. So, the problem is: Is it worth it then? Why do I care about these people who I wouldn't still be friends with if it wasn't for me always initiating? How important is this friendship to that person? The real dilemma that happens for me though is that I am shy. So, why does God have me in a place where I keep needing to step out of my comfort zone? Why has God gone and gifted me with people when deep down there is fear of people and how they can hurt me and rejection? The logical answer and the true answer is that God makes our weaknesses His strength. That is kind of nice to know.

So I have realized that this blog thing comes off really selfish. When I continually express my thoughts and my opinions, it seems like I don't care about others' opinions. The truth is that I do. I would actually prefer to hear other people's opinions and help them through life. I prefer to neglect my own opinions and stress, stay true to my values, and help others through life. I was informed today that that isn't healthy. So, if it isn't healthy to consider my problems and insecurities as insignificant, that means that they are significant. Which means that most of the stuff that I express on this site matters. But to who? Should it matter to me? What am I going to do with it? Who knows yet? I know that it actually helps me vocalize things that I have never vocalized before or even thought I thought about before. For the most part though, I think it turns out to be completely useless. It doesn't matter to me. Is that the unhealthy me, or does it not really matter? How would I know if it did actually matter? How would I know that anything that I struggle with, or find insecurities in, or care about really matter? Would it matter if I died today rather than in a month, or would the things I struggle with in between now and then matter. My heart tells me that it would, but I don't really see it making a heck of a lot of difference. From what I know, there is only a couple of circumstances that I really impacted and since, those have been forgotten about. I actually feel pretty insignificant. I bet most people do. We are all so selfish that we think unless we hear from someone that we had an impact on them, we don't matter. Wouldn't it be truly sad if that was true? What if it is? What if we all really don't matter to someone else? What a piece of crap life we would be living. So, where does that leave me? I need to let people know when they impact me positively. Where does that leave my thoughts about myself? Well, I guess I need to leave it up to God to help me know that my life is worth living.

Sometimes I think there is a curse to being an encourager. You build a lot of people up, and often aren't built up in return. A lot of the time you end end up feeling like crap. You end up really having to search to find something to encourage someone about. One of the crappiest feelings in my life was when someone asked me in a small group to encourage others in the group about their leadersihp abilities, and I had nothing to say, and actually I got encouraged by a couple of people. I felt like I threw my ability to encourage to the pigs. I'm a nut! It is such a paradox... cause a person can have their head inflate pretty quickly, yet you know how important encouragement is to you and so you know how important it is to encourage others. What a gong-show world. I think I need God to help me figure that out. Okay, I've said enough for now... I will get back to some more writing some other time.

Stress... Crappy Weekend with Good Intentions

Sometimes I get a little frustrated? Do you know what that means? It means that things are happening beyond my control that I don't like. The most frustrating that happenned is that yesterday, I received an email yesterday that reminded me of a responsibility that I had committed to over a month ago and completely forot about. There is a young adults party on Saturday with a location that was advertised in our bulletin at church, but we didn't actually get around to planning. I feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. I don't even know if anyone confirmed this party with the host house. I feel quite a bit of stress. It is ridiculous that I and my two buddies haven't met in so long and that we haven't even talked about this. Now, the truth is that that is the reality for people my age. We often forget things like that that we committed to, and somehow struggle through it.

The reaction that I have to that kind of thing though is outwardly an attempt at peace and reliance on God, but inwardly stress out of my mind. I hate stress, and I firmly believe that stress is almost always a negative thing. Well maybe not firmly... Anyways, I change when I am stressed and I don't like who I turn into. I've been known to shutdown under stress. Either I don't do it, or else somehow, I wake up the next day and do something about it. The problem is that planning isn't my strong suit. I don't plan things well. I guess that is normal. I guess I just down find reason to be stressed out most of the time. So, when I do get some stress, it effects me more than I wish it did.

Now here comes my curve balls. On top of all that stuff I have a Christmas banquet to go to on Friday at camp, and on top of that I am planning for my old roomate Nathan to come down and see me and I told him I could pick him up around 11:30. Now the next morning I have choir practise around 10:00 for an hour or two. Then that night I have this party for the young adults and THING at St. Barnabas... Sunday I have our choir performance and Focus 3 in the afternoon. I won't even have time to spend with Nathan. How retarded am I?

Alright I'm still gonna write more but I'm gonna publish this so people know what my weekend looks like.

Enough is Enough

Today hasn't ended yet... It is funny how we can't sleep when we should, and then we sleep through a class, or a church service, or an exam... but at 1 in the morning with no one to hang with and nothing to do... we are wide awake and end up looking into stuff and thinking thoughts that shouldn't. I struggle with lust. I have struggled with it since junior high. That comes out in various manners... luckily I haven't had sex, but I have definitely been there in my mind. Now, that means I won't have a kid and can still call myself a virgin, and maybe even mean that I am partly scared of it, and the consequences. But, that means nothing according to Jesus. If you haven't read the sermon on the mount, do it... Here it is for you:

Matthew 5
The Beatitudes 1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying: 3"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. 6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. 7Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. 9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. 10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Salt and Light 13"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
The Fulfillment of the Law 17"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
Murder 21"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.
23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
25"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Adultery 27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Divorce 31"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Oaths 33"Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' 34But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; 35or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
An Eye for an Eye 38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
Love for Enemies 43"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Anyways, in the part about adultery... 27-30 It says how just the thought is as bad as having done the act. In that instance, and although almost the entire human populatioin is guilty of this, I am in deep crap. It is rare when a day goes by without some kind of adulterous or lustful thoughts coming to my mind. I'm not going to go into details about it because it hurts to... but I am going to say that it is torture. I feel like I can't win that part of my life for God. I have tried various motivations, accountabilities, and no matter how honest I am, or how harsh the punishments, it doesn't change. I hate it. I hate that part of myself. It doesn't help that I can never sleep either.

Now, one of the biggest issues I have is that every person I look up to and every person who I try to describe my problems to says, that's okay it is natural... no one talks about it. It is okay to masterbate if you don't have bad thoughts... ya right... I don't feel good about any of it in my heart. However, the ideas they give to deal with it if I have such huge convictions don't help. I feel stuck in sin. How do I deal with that? By ignoring my sin most of the time... Asking for forgiveness before communion. Otherwise, try to avoid temptation... but at night, that all goes to craps for me. Anyways, I really do want to change, and I know that if I continue to pray and do what I can, God will eventually do something. I know i need to be a big part of that and completely give control over. The thing is that I don't even know if I want to. How terrible is that. The other thing is that it is not fair to any woman who I marry to be with a guy who has that struggle. One commitment that I have made a few times is to not date until God and I have taken care of that. Is that too harsh? Should I just quit trying to win in that area of my life? Should I just not make a commitment I'm not ready to live up to? Or, should I be prepared to never date again? Interesting... I thought about becoming a monk. Maybe that is what I need to do. Although, I hear that it isn't any easier as a monk to deal with those things. I have also had many people, actually a lot of girls tell me that it isn't fair to put off a relationship for that kind of fault because why should I punish the girl for my problem. What a weird way to put it. It would seem that these people think that as long as I don't mentioin it, or even if I do, they can't know exactly what is going on in my head and don't want to know. So as long as it appears that I am pure that is good enough. What kind of foolishness is that? I want to give the girl of my heart a pure man. That is the greatest way I think to respect her. Respect for me is one of the most important things you can do for a person or a friend or anyone. I'll get into my ideas about respect some other time. Anyways, enough is enough...

Hey... Had a good long day..! I went to a friend's church for a baptism and saw a bunch of girls who were councelors with me at camp this summer. They hardly talked to me. Probably the one who got baptized is my best friend out of them all. She has a fresh passion and heart for God and it shows. She doesn't let the worry and stress get to her the way it seemed to be getting to the rest of them. It is really funny to observe all my friends who are stressed out from school and studies and assignments. I bet I was the same way when I was at school; although, I don't recall ever dramatically stressed out over things. Probably the most stresssful times for me at school involved relationships, especially with my girlfriends. Gosh, it seems so important at the time, and then afterwards you look back and remember what the arguments were about or what caused the stress, it doesn't seem nearly important enough any more. In fact, most of what we do doesn't seem important afterwards when we look back. In general, the greatest memories we have are of kindness, love, friendships, good times. It is really difficult to consider the bad things as important or memory worthy. I remember mostly good times and time that I spent with people I care about. I think though, on the other side of the spectrum, we also remember the most hurtful things that have happened or been said to us. Those times would have been easily forgotten except someone wasn''t mindful of me. They didn't hold their tongue, or their emotions and exploded or intentionally crushed me into the ground. I remember those moments and they tend to define me in a negative way. Out of those things comes fear, hatred, hardness, and emotionlessness. Frustrating, is the fact that whether I want to believe it or not, I still partly define myself by those memories. The way we should see ourselves is as perfectly composed by God. Not as the rotten thing that someone once said about us.

So I read today some comments about selfishness and boasting and bragging. I totally agreed with it. People's plans are their bragging and boasting of their independance from God. I make a plan and then I make sure everyone knows about it. Actually, a lot of the time it is opposite. I often don't mention my plans until I need to causing great stress for my family. With my brother it is a bit of a competition about who will be able to use a car first. We all want to be important enough that someone outside the family wants to hang with us or that we have a responsibility that we need to fullfil. That is where we find our meaning. "Ihave a meeting to go to!" "I am in leadership training."..Here is my question: When we ask someone about something, are we giving them an opportunity to brag? Are we setting them up to feel the need to have plans and be important in society? Is that a good thing to do? I have people ask all the what my plans are and what I am up to. I always feel the need to explain and probably exagerate alot and make it sound a lot more important or prestigious than it really is. I try to have a list so that I can sound like I'm not a slacker. Every time I do something that I am proud of, I feel the need to tell everyone that I think cares. Is that right? I don't know. If they ask I guess it is okay to say how you have done, and be excited or disappointed about it, But maybe we should take off the emphasis on that, and more on how we can care about them.

I also feel like it gets the same way in Christian circles. People compare their relationships and closeness to to God. How many times did I pray? did I go to church? are you volunteering? are you using your gifts and what are they? And sometimes if we are asked enough, we just spontaneously tell someone. How about the response: "I do what I can." or "I serve where I feel called." Do you think that it would be possible to approach something with a quiet humble attitude. We always want to be recognized, but maybe we shouldn't. Maybe we should just leave it be. It is my experience when doing that that you often get recognition you don't even want. But I would rather that than try to claim my fame and recognition.

Anyways, I'm getting old and tired. Time for a good night!

My How Things Can Turn Around

Today was a good day. I woke up recovered from my day of anger yesterday. Anyways, I pretty much hung around the house today. I played some video games... some poker, some chess. Played the chess master and lost every time. Anyways, after that things got better. I went to Red Lobster with Erin and ate some really good food. It was a good time to hang out. Then I came home and preapared to go Christmas party it up at one of m oldest friend's house. That was a good time... We watched the end of the flames game, then I picked Brit up and after another trip to her house, and back we went toboganning. What a blast... I really needed to get out and do something extremely fun like that. We eventually headed back and watched some movies and hung out with friends. It was like I said a really good time.

I mentioned my thoughts from yesterday to a couple of friends and they supported me and told me that they were definitely available more than I thought. That was cool to hear. I definitely need friends like that. Like I have thought many times. The key to having good friendships is time. Time spent just living and laughing.

Anyways, where have my thoughts been today? My thoughts were still pretty selfish I think. Very self-concious. I'm tired of wondering and worrying about what others think. I know that most of people's opinion of me is good. But that shouldn't really matter. What I should think about is how God views me and what He would be pleased with. I don't have people to please, but a Father to worship. How do I worship Him? With my actions and my intentions and my life. I try. I don't pray enough. I get distracted easily. I just heard this song by Selena and thought I would jot the lyrics down. It definitely describes my emotions at various times in my life. So here they are:

Dreaming of YouFranne Gold & Tom Snow Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star that somewhere you are
Thinking of me too
Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close
But so far all I have a dreams of you
So I wait for the day
And the courage to say how much I love you
Yes I do!
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me
Corazón
I can't stop dreaming of you
No puedo dejar de pensar en ti
I can't stop dreaming
Cómo te necesito
I can't stop dreaming of you
Mi amor, cómo te extraño
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe
That you came up to me and said "I love you"
I love you too!
Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
Till tomorrow and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming of you endlessly
Dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Endlessly
And I'll be holding you tight
Dreaming...with you...tonight!

I'll leave this today... for now... I guess I didn't really think much today... or at least now conciously.

Crap

A day like today reminds me of a few things.

#1 A good friend is priceless.
#2 People get lonely quickly.
#3 I obviously don't have any really good friends at the moment.
#4 Another thought, good friends don't do a lot of good if they are in a different city or place.

Don't get me wrong. I love those far away friends. But right now would be a nice time to hang out with someone. The fact is that my closest friends at the moment are close to me in some ways, yet they are girls and young. That makes it really weird for me to hang out with them. It would be cool if they could become like family and could just hang out for company. I doubt that will happen though. These people have other friends who are more immeadiate friends and people they would hang out with on the spur of the moment. That is what I wish I had. Some friends that would automatically think of hanging with me on the weekend. I had that with my roomates in Edmonton, or when I had girlfriends. that is when I feel like I am valuable. Although I am good for friendships where I am respected and can have great spiritual conversations.... I also long for friends. Life is too serious... too much drama. I want ot just chill with people, be myself, and have that be enough to be cared about. I definitely don't want to take people from their own groups of friends though. I have no intent to lay any kind of guilt trip. I just wish that I could be content being home alone on Friday nights. I'm not though. It has been weird returning to Calgary. I am also scared about calling some people. I feel like if they felt like it they would invite me to chill. But those kind of circles are hard to break into. My camp friends all have their own lives and groups of friends to chill with. A lot of my friends are dedicated to their studies and so their time is spent at the University or with people who are also at the University. They make plans during conversation, eat lunch... I gotta find some guys to chill with. I just don't know if I like the ones that I know. Most guys are pricks or else have a real dry sense of humor. They have such a serious negative tone to life. The only fun to have is go do extreme things or physical things. We need to go and shoot things or compete... I'm just sick of what people do and think. Of how they behave. Gees... I am totally selfish. Screw this..Screw other stuff too. Why should I bother? Screw off! I'm just pissed off. Maybe some other time I will get to the bottom of what I want to say.

What a 'DAY'

Run away, Run away... everyone run. Something sucky happens so we all run away. We aren't talkative, we aren't respectful, we all must know the best way to handle these situations since we have experience with the last situation that blew up in our face. You think I am insinuating something, talk to me. You wonder what I want or about my motivations, talk to me. I definitely will be upfront. Damn it, if I like somebody, I will let them know straight up. I have proof. If I don't I don't even realize that something needs to be said. But no, maybe I should run away too... Maybe I should travel to Florida and hook up with someone there, or one of my sister's friends that just need enough to drink to like me. What the Hell? Drama, drama. People getting hurt and upset... Good days are ruined in moments. How ridiculous is that? Gosh, I care. Don't friggin run away from me. I'm a good kid. I hate exam time. People are so messed up at the end of the semester. Now would be a good time to take off except that I work everyday until the 22nd. The nice thing is that I make a little more money, and I have more time around and after New Year's to hang out. Otherwise, I might take off right now and go see Mike. I have had pain in my life too. It just takes a really long time for me to talk about what I have moved passed, but still effects how I am. I just have a passion for being there for my friends when they are hurting. I guess I can't make them accept it, but I can do everything else. -Be available, offer to buy dinner, hot chocolate, stuffed animals, whatever else. I would offer half my kingdom to help. I ain't no fake trying to prey on young women or their problems or their vulnerability. That is sick. It is really hard to face awkwardness or even perceived awkwardness isn't it? Well, it only lasts as long as you let it. Suck it awkwardness. I don't get awkward very easy. Probably the most awkward I have ever been was seeing my ex-girlfriend who told me she had to fix some things with God before she was fit for a relationship go to school and start flirting with every guy. Who friggin' retarded. I couldn't handle it, but that was messing with some really deep feelings which had already been expressed and received. Yeah, I avoided the school and her. But we got past it. I would still consider her a friend now. So now what, I faced my anger with God, my friends, the people I loved, and still find that I have love to give. Dang it, the key to not getting beating up internally is to see everything in perspective. In the long run, the squabble didn't really matter. It isn't the end of my life. Maybe God still loves me.,, First off... you don't need me, you need God. I could die tomorrow, and people would go right on living and people would have God to turn to. I pray that God uses me and he does and I am so thankful for that.

I had such a great day today. I got encouraged by my pastors, I had some of my gifts affirmed. Now it comes back to patience and waiting for where God calls me. I know it will happen.. maybe I just have more to learn first I don't know. The truth is that God does have a plan for us... He has a plan for you and for me. Whether we like it or not, whether we think it is fair or not...Whether it is God's sense of irony or humour or whatever. There is purpose!! I've seen it. How do I end up in Cameroon within a month of finding out about it? How do I see prayers answered instantly? How do we get an instinctual read on a person or a situation? How does God take a cocky like person like me when I was a kid... and do something with them? How does God decide that He loves me so much that Jesus is going to die for me and save me? There is no way that there is no purpose to that. SO let's run away. Find a place to hide: melt into the abyss: stop making good decisions out of spite: hurt myself, then I can't blame God for it. Do you see how insane all this is? Let's get along...Say what you mean to whom it should be addressed. I ain't the greatest at doing that either... but I do like to think that I do in time. Which is better than never. At least in my opinion... and that is what this Blog thing is all about.

I think buildings should be made for bigger people.. I think that cars should be made for bigger people. I think that chairs should be made for bigger people... that is my opnion. hahaha. So in my opinion... people need to get along. People need to not judge other people. I have huge respect for people who claim they don't believe in God and do something about it. I don't have much respect for people who claim they don't believe and God and go on living a 'normal' life. With deadlines and success and failure. How can you fail if there is no purpose and no God? Friggin ridiculous. Those people can eat my shorts! If you aren't sure say it, or if you want to be mad at God then be mad. But don't be two-faced. Don't say you believe one thing and do something else. Don't run away from God... you look like a fool running away. He knows where you are going before you go. He is there too. God haunts us, but also loves us, and He loves me! I want to cry. God loves me... Absurd. What were you thinking God??? But you made me perfect... What were you thinking God? But you formed me in this way... Why didn't I die instead of that person? Cause there was more for me to give... Help me give it God. Help me give it. What a waste of your work for me to sit back and be silent. MY GOD LOVES ME! HE LOVES YOU TOO! If I sit a day away, or I don't bother to encourage someone... what was the point of that day... A step closer to death? I don't even know when I will die. Lieutenant Dan was a pretty crazy guy, eh? He went kind of nuts on God... and then found peace. I think when we are mad at God we should let him have it. Then find peace. He will give us His peace. "Cast all your cares on Him!" How many of us do that? How many of us bring our thoughts to God? How many of us try to do it all ourself? How many of us feel like we have been doing it ourselves our whole life? Maybe we have........ Maybe we should try for once seeing if God can do something with it. We 'give it to God' and then try to do it ourselves anyways. What to short change God!!! Let Him in!! Let God the creator do something with you. Let him shape you and change you... guide you and protect you.. Let Him change your mind to his. Let his priorities become yours. Let God move in you! The world makes it's own things happen. The world tries to get through on it's own. not you... not me. Or are we the world? Am I the world? Does the world live in me? Get out of there. I want to be shaped and changed. I want to be cleansed and purified. Damn temptations... pride... Go away! Leave me alone with my God... the Creator. My dad who loves me. Let me love my family. Alrighty... Enough is enough for now. I'm sure there is more where that came from, but I have to 'run away now' and 'put things off' and be sad... Give me some drugs!!

You Live You Learn

So hey, I guess I learned a bit... How not to treat my friends... Anyways, I've been thinking... I guess we all think. I have had some time to reflect more on who I am. It is always good to ask hard questions even when we know the answers. They are still in our soul even if our head knows the truth about it. I am like a person who is aware of my soul's longing and questioning, but I filter it through my head before acting or expressing. It is interesting to become aware of that. It is interesting to actually have somewhere to express the unfiltered stuff. So here we start...

I am really cold right now, like physically cold. I can't feel my feet or my hands hardly. I am aware of my hair, and it isn't very good today. It is ichy, and a kid at work today pointed out to me at work that I have some dandruff. Crappy deal I am telling you. Anyways, I don't know how deep I am going to get tonight. I just know that I am a deep person. I realize that I have some leadership skills, but have no idea where to use them. I hear trial and error, but can't help but think that there may be a better way. It is like I am waiting for a better way. I miss the care-free days of college where I was just purely learning about God and deciding what kind of a life I wanted to live. I guess I didn't know anything during that either. The future is so weird. I have no idea what is coming, who I will meet or how they will change my life. I have no idea what kind of an opportunity might come right around the corner. I would say that I am funny that way. I tend to wait for an opportunity rather than go out of my way to find one. It has turned out well so far, except that I can't help but wonder if there is something out there that I could be doing that would be more fulfilling at the moment. I have no idea what that could be. I am needed where I am, but maybe I am just settling for God's minimum impact plan rather than his ultimate plan for me. I can't know, at least at this point. When I get to this, it boils down to patience... Maybe that is the hardest thing for me in the world. There is nothing you can do to resolve something that requires time. Time is so ridiculous sometimes. First it takes way too long to get to the time you want to be at and then you can't stay in the time that you want to be in. It just plods forward. ARRR!!

It all ends with death. Time stops then. At least for the person who dies. Why do we care so much about the future then. If we died we wouldn't. All our problems are now someone else's. Suckers... now they have all their own worries plus yours. I hope too many people don't die on me before I die. I guess the one fear that I have when it comes to death is that I won't have loved anyone fully. God or a wife... I don't want to leave the earth not really knowing what love is. The best way to die would be as a full act of love. Taking someone's place or sacrificing for someone or something you truly love. Then you could die saying that you had truly lived and truly loved. I think that maybe the ultimate goal would be to have a resume of sacrifice and times you had taken people's place... until you died. How better to show someone love and care. What a concept... How many of us will actually do that though. When you consider it, we are all too worried about our own future and security. Screw that everyone... I had a girlfriend dump me because the main problem was that I did not provide enough security for her comfort level. What is that? She isn't the only one who I have heard that security is important from... Family, friends, ennemies... Where is that in the Bible... Since when do I need to provide security for someone I love. Can't I just provide sacrifice. Maybe this is why I am single. I would love to love and live with someone who felt that sacrifice was more important than security.

I had someone tell me once that my way of viewing faith way irresponsible. Is living by a faith that makes me ready to do whatever I am asked whenever I am asked gonna make me a Steven Udvardy? A person who is 45, unmarried and still working at camp. I want to have a wife, and kids. I love kids. It could be a hard life for them if I was living day to day the whole time. It would be a great example in the long run, but they might question my love for them, wouldn't they. Unless I was willing to sacrifice my own convictions for the love of them. Or is there somewhere in there, a possibility that God could give me a stable position where I could sacrifice at work and at home. Where I could provide for my kids and still be living by the day. It would take faith to live by the day, willing to up and leave everything, but knowing that God loved me and my family enough to give us some stability and provision, and make it possible for me to love my kids and maybe even my grandkids. I guess we will see about that if I ever even find someone to marry. I'm pretty sure God will make it pretty clear if I do. Now I just have to wait some more... ARRRR!!

Did I mention waiting sucks... I can't think of anything any more annoying. Or maybe I should be waiting, but aggresively looking, or is that how God works? Can we ever be satisfied if we don't wait for what we get? Does God make us wait so that we can thank him for our blessing? I'm sure he does. Something that we jsut get right away isn't as valued wither I don't think. God's sick sense of humor in the order of the world. If I got all my Christmas presents today, they wouldn't be near as valuable I don't think. I probably wouldn't be as grateful because I wouldn't have waited. Weird ideas eh? I hope this is just as thought provoking but less offensive as the last posting I made. I think there is truth to it though. It is interesting: we are playing with the idea of personal timelines for Focus 3... my Christian leadership training small group. They keep asking us where God is telling us to lead and use our gifts as if by some personal assesment of values and stuff, and history can give us a direction for the future... Do you think that is true? I'm not sure what I think of it yet. I think it will help us know where we have come from and what we have learned from and how we have grown as a person... but will that indicate anything for the future?

I can see that after a few months of writing stuff in this log I will get to some really good stuff and maybe I will have my whole paper for my final course done. Oh that would be so nice. We will see I guess... I won't get my hopes up. Did I mention that I am cold? Here I am like 3 hours later still cold and still typing away slowly as I talk to people who I care about, and use the gifts that I have of caring and encouraging. Can being a friend be a gift? I think it can, and I think that I have it. That is totally what everyone wants and needs. They also want more than that, but one person can't be that more than that for everyone. I guess my own problem with my gift is that I don't relate with everyone, and I'm not good friends with everyone. There are people that I don't click with, and if that was my job, would it be my responsibility to learn how to click with people who I don't necesarily get along with? Just an interesting question to bring up.

Should I learn how to cook? I care, and have hospitality as another gift, but should I learn how to cook and clean to become more hospitable? ah, never mind, there is no way I need an answer to that question right now. You know what I could probably ramble on a little more right here about various things, but I am content with what I have written. It has revealed more of my own thoughts, but will also be useful to others who read I think. That is one of my desired effects of writing these things is that maybe others will find a gen in what I write. Maybe this won't only be valuable to me. Maybe I can care and help someone just by writing my own thoughts... That would be so cool!! So God bless anyone who reads this. If you leave me a comment, I guarantee I will pray for you as well. Have a good time y'all and love life. I'm going to try!! Later, The Big Bad Ben who you love and who you hate. Who you want to know more, but not too much more..Ya, I'm good.