Self-rejection Lies: A list

Upon recommendation from a very good friend, I have begun reading a book called Uninvited.  Boy that books goes straight for the jugular. No joke, the first chapter starts by talking about honesty and how you can't hide from it (It's probably tied for my highest value in myself and in others). Then it goes on to clearly explain how feelings of rejection come from past internalized and embedded feelings of self-rejection. And those self-rejection thoughts and feelings are deep in our core and shape how we see the world and how we think the world sees us.

Having experienced a lot of rejection in my life (which I'm sure I have internalized), I am overwhelmed by this revelation of truth.  The goal of this post is to bring into the light the self-rejection lies that haunt me.  I believe that exposure to light frees us from the grasp of the enemy. Secretiveness empowers lies and shame. Openness frees us from those bonds because we can't be accused anymore. We have already been exposed and accepted anyway.  There is nothing left to shame us.

So I am going to give this list an attempt and see what I come up with.

Lie: I am better friend material than boyfriend material.

It stings and gets reinforced every time that a woman tells me I am amazing and they don't want to date me.

It is a lie because I am on the other side too and not wanting to date someone is not a comment on their identity or their worthiness to be loved or capability of being a good girlfriend or wife. If I can see it from one side, I should be able to see it from the other side.  Its just part of loving and seeking to find a partner and soul mate.

Lie: I am a unmanly.

It stings whenever someone refers to my intelligence or character in a negative way. Being caring, wise, intelligent, and emotional does not take away from my manliness. I don't hide my true self. That makes me brave and deep and trustworthy. Strength and stubbornness and inflexibility are not the definition of a man.  I have been fighting this lie for a long time.  I am very manly.

Lie: I am alone (nobody really cares or understands).

Whenever I am alone with my thoughts and my feelings and I don't have anyone to talk to. Or, I reach out and people don't reach back. Or my routine and life feel routine, mundane, and unlikely to improve.  Whenever this happens, the lie that I am truly alone surfaces.

Lie: I am incompetent.

It is easy to believe that you are incompetent when someone points out how you have screwed up.  What usually ends up happening though, is that you are a more harsh critic of yourself than anyone else will ever be. I really struggle with when I don't reach my own standards for myself. Already sitting in this self-criticism, it is easy to take other people's criticism very personally and let yourself be defined by them.

Lie: Other people have things easier. Everything has to be done the hard way.

Whenever I see people living with an ease that I want or wish I had. Whenever people celebrate their anniversary.  Whenever I am jealous of anyone, I think to myself that God is favoring others over me. That is a lie.  I have so many blessing. All I see is an outsider point of view. And have no idea what people are dealing with behind the scenes.

Lie: I don't deserve to be happy.

This is a really sad one. I can't think of examples at the moment.  I do know that this lie surfaces sometimes. If is connected to other ones like loneliness.  I actually really dislike when people make fun of my laugh.  I'm overly sensitive about it.

Lie: I shouldn't be my authentic self.

My laugh is too loud and long.  I talk too much.  I text too much.  I'm too loud.  These are all things I worry about in social situations. They must come from somewhere.  Probably from offhand comments when I was a kid from other kids.  It's crazy, but those things stick with you.  They shape you. They are those little lies that become truths about ourselves.

Lie: I'm ugly.

This is so easy to reinforce.  Whenever I think someone else doesn't think I look good. They don't even have to say anything. All I have to do is lie to myself and make something up, and I believe it. This is deep seeded.  This will get me over and over again.  The mirror can be such an enemy. The other funny thing is that it doesn't matter how many people try to convince me otherwise.



I'm sure there are others, and I will edit and add them whenever I can identify them. I hope this frees me.  I hope that naming the lies frees me from the power they hold and that when I see them flaring, I can call them what they are: lies. I also hope that anyone who reads this is inspired to self-evaluate and identify the lies that are plaguing their lives.

Unbridled Truth

One of my friends is working on bringing to light the idea of wrestling with God.  She believes that wrestling God is something God wants us to do and that so often life's circumstances require us to question and fight with God.

I believe I have entered a time in my life where I need to start questioning God, not only on what he has allowed to happen through the death of Melissa, but also on the direction that he is tugging my heart strings and my intrigues.

A reminder came to me today that as a Christian, "Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." Colossians 1:27 (NLT) and later "In him lie hidden all the treasure of wisdom and knowledge. I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments." Colossians 2:3-4 This is what I am wrestling with.  It seems to me that because Christ himself lives in me and the Holy Spirit is here to help me and be my guide, I should be able to trust my inner peace or inner thought.  I should be able to trust that the reason I am noticing something, it is because Christ is in me leading me to that.

I fear it though.  I fear what I might discover if I follow that leading and realize that my beliefs about the world and about God will be rocked and changed.  I don't know if that is an ok fear to have. Deep in my soul, if I believe nothing else, I believe that those who seek truth will find it.  And that search leads to God.  I believe it whole-heartedly.  I trust that God leads people to himself through truth.  So then why do I fear that my rigid opinions and points of view will be changed?  If they are changed, they should be changed by truth and by the Holy Spirit who I have promised to guide me and through Christ who dwells in me. Right?

This is context for my battle.  A number of people have become closer to me since Melissa's death.  A minimum of 3 different people from different angles have recently told me similar things about God and how the world works.  These people don't know each other and weren't nearly as close before Melissa died. Why have all 3 of these of these people been intriguing to me and why are they all giving me similar thoughts and information?

My gut feeling draws me towards these people.  I enjoy being around them and I want to be around them more.  I want to talk to them and discuss "real" things and I enjoy being around them.  Is it coincidence that they have all talked to be about the same kind of stuff?  I would say not.  There is something to it.  Here is the main thing I am hearing from these particular people.  "Stop putting a box on God.  To find truth, you need to let go of your filters and you need to be open to whatever truth you find."

"If I find truth, I need to be willing to follow it." It is a stance of openness. Do I trust that voice? Do I trust God to reveal His truth.  Do I trust God that the truth I am led to takes me to him?  This is hesitancy.  This is my fear.  This is my fight.  I don't have an answer yet.  I don't know if I should trust this obvious sign that I have in front of me, but make myself vulnerable.

These last 5 months have allowed me to have shockingly vulnerable conversations and interactions. I think there is a very small filter left when it comes to what I share with who.  And I challenge myself on it when I start to feel hesitant.  I think God is really calling me to be authentic.  Can I also be humble?  Can I trust God to take me through an experience and discern the truths and the lies? Can I lose something of my relationship with God just by trying something?

I don't think so.  So I'm leaving things here, without a solution and without an answer to my ponderings. Am I just scared of change, or do I have legit fear that requires caution.  I think I know my answers, but I don't know if I'm gutsy enough to act on them.  If you read this, pray for me.  I think that having others pray for me will be my strongest weapon in my quest to find truth and as I try to discern where God is pointing me.

Revisiting the Water Break

One year ago, events were taking place that were going to change my life forever. This is not only my story, but the story of life; the story of how God walks with you and bring the right people at the right time into your life.  The fact that Leeland survived and now is 11 months old and doing great is the happy continuation of what began to transpire over a year ago and that continues to shape mine and my family's lives. It's also a testament to the bravery, strength and resilience of Melissa Howes, the mother of my children, and apple of my heart. Her story makes me look faded in comparison and is inspirational to all who knew her.

Last year, near the start of February, Melissa and I were in to get an ultrasound done of our baby. Before they allowed us to leave, it was explained to us by the doctor at the ultrasound clinic that Melissa was funneling.  This means that her cervix was opening from the inside and was shrinking in size.  Melissa had worked her last day.  She was to be put on bed rest to prevent gravity from affecting the situation any more.

This signaled a new lifestyle for us.  Melissa drove Dahlia to our nanny in Calgary and did bed rest.  I worked, picked Dahlia up, and ran the household.  Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning.  I also put in my maximum effort to encourage people to visit Melissa. She was lonely and frustrated that she couldn't move.  She hadn't finished up nicely and the way she had wanted to at work, and she felt lonely.  The visiting that occurred was so appreciated by her, but hard whenever someone cancelled or she had a day without one... I guess I wasn't good enough.

Then one day (the Thursday of Palliser's Teacher Convention), Melissa's water broke while she was driving.  She immediately called me.  She was hysterical.  Leeland was only gestated about 23 weeks and 1 day.  She was driving herself to Rockyview Hospital because of bad experiences at Foothills.  I remember I was at Teacher's Convention in Okotoks with Holly (I had carpooled with her) doing a learn how to play and teach rugby session.  It was just near the end of our lunch break and I informed Holly what was going on and she was like, let's go.  I speaker phoned with Melissa on the way back to Calgary and Holly had me drop her off on an overpass so I could go right back onto the highway.  It was crazy and I felt terrible about it, but Holly insisted.

I got to Rockyview as soon as possible.  Now Melissa had fluctuating blood pressures that she could mentally control through music. It was called whitecoat syndrome.  As soon as she new a doctor or nurse was going to take her blood pressure, it would spike.  It was trauma from Dahlia's birth story.  To control those spikes in blood pressure, she would listen to Dear Evan Hansen music with her eyes closed.  She would ask the nurse or doctor to leave the room and control her breathing.  She also needed the proper sized cuff which often wasn't provided. When I got there, I found her and I just stayed with her and prayed that this baby would be ok.  

In our minds and experience, water breaking meant child coming.  Melissa was having minor contractions.  We were expecting birth to happen.  Melissa just kept crying because she blamed herself for her body not working.  Due to the funneling, they didn't even want to monitor properly because they thought any trauma down under could speed the birth process.  She had already been funneling.  Once they determined that birth wasn't immanent, they decided to transfer Melissa to Foothills because if baby was coming, it would need the top NICU which was Foothills.  I got to follow the transfer in one of our vehicles.  My brother helped me pick up the other one later.  

When we got to Foothills, a new doctor became Melissa's doctor and his prognosis was that Leeland wasn't going to be viable for another 6 days.  Too many concerns and they wouldn't be willing to do a bunch of the interventions for Leeland.  This did not help the situation.  Melissa was already freaking out and having that grim news given to her did not improve the situation.  However, miraculously, her contractions subsided and Leeland stayed in.  It was a miracle.  We didn't even know that was possible.

The 4 days at the hospital before Melissa returned home were wretched.  We hoped there would be no infection and we prayed that God would help our little baby to survive. Once the water is broken, they refuse to do anymore prodding and poking near the fetus.  Melissa stabilized and was sent home on the 4th day no longer on bed rest.  Home care was set up, and the journey with the time bomb began.  Our prayers and hearts beckoned God to be merciful and gracious and allow the baby to stay in just one more hour, one more day, one more week.  My life was consumed with things I would never have imagined before this experience.  Blood pressures, infections, colors of fluid, massages, everything.  I continued to work but with the knowledge that at any minute, I could be heading for the hospital.

Looking back, I don't know how we dealt with all that stress, worry, fear, reliance on God.  It was so hard and it scraped us to the core.  Pretenses were no longer possible and distractions weren't distracting.  Our lives would never be the same.  But I thank God for the those next weeks to this day.

It is hard to recount and recall that time of my life.  I was a passenger.  Melissa had all of these things going on inside her and around her.  I was the husband who wanted to be as caring and giving and helpful as possible, but really there was nothing I could do.  I felt helpless. I felt vulnerable.  And I felt like this might be the hardest thing I would ever have to go through and it most certainly was to that point.  I felt for Melissa and I tried to show her love every day.  There was no time for much else.

When people are in that vulnerable time of life, they need people to walk alongside them.  They need people to visit, and share, and emphasize with them.  They need people to pray and tell truth about God and offer to help out with things. We were lucky to have each other and that Melissa was such a fighter.  I will miss her for that and never forget how she stuck through it all.  She loved Leeland so much and never gave up on him.  She was superwoman. I will never forget.

Mike's Memorial

I went to a funeral today for an acquaintance of mine who I liked and worked alongside a few times while he was employed by Boys and Girls club and supervised by Melissa. I would say that the experience is one of the most disappointing that I have ever been a part of.

I arrived plenty early, gave a few hugs, chatted with a few people about where life has taken us, and waited.  A room was open but nobody had entered it.  Eventually, a bunch of people started heading up the stairs to another room designated for the service, but before I got up the stairs, the hall holding the service was packed.  People were just waiting in a line that was no longer moving.  A bunch of people were just standing around in the upstairs foyer wondering what we were supposed to do.

The funeral directors said nothing to anyone and made no attempt to explain the situation or try to inform us what was expected of us.  Eventually, I felt so awkward and disappointed that I left.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just left without saying goodbye to my friend. There didn't seem to be a chance that anyone was going to say something.  What I could hear just sounded like drumming and chanting.  I don't understand the tradition or how this was supposed to convey closure.

When I was young, I opted out of a couple of funerals that I probably should have gone to and regretted it.  I didn't get the closure that I should have from it.  I decided after those times, that I would go and had a couple of profound experiences when friends of mine died while working at camp.  I cried some real tears and it shaped the next few summers of my life while I worked at camps because I was alive to.  I had closure, inspiration, and a song imprinted on me that could give tears on demand and cause me to miss those special people: "I can only Imagine"

I've been to funerals of my grandparents and when you attend those ones, it is about a life well lived and people who were expecting to die.  Melissa's was different.  She was young, and full of potential and dreams and my love.  My experience at her memorial was profound and open.  I think I may have hugged 250 people that day as we joyfully remembered how awesome Melissa had been.  My family, my friends, and myself were open to all the emotions there were to be had.

However, this particular one was such a contrast for me.  I did not feel welcome and did not feel like I was going to find any healing there.  The people who were there reflected how loved Mike was, but the tension around the actual ceremony, showed to me something different.  I hope it was just a feeling that I got and not the case at all.

To follow up this disappointing event for me, I am going to try to connect with Shayla a bit and continue to offer her support. She supported us when we needed her, and so I intend to be there for her.  I also selfishly want to do it for myself so that maybe I can get closure in the form that I need it; telling stories, spending time, and remembering what we miss.  Mike, you were a decent, kind guy, and the world is worse off without you in it.

I hope you managed to find Melissa in the afterlife.

V-Day / Love Day

I bet the one person who reads this wonders how Valentine's Day went for me.

Well, let's say it started off rough.  Leeland had a super tough night and awoke almost every hour to cry. I eventually took him to the basement room so that we wouldn't wake up Dahlia.  Of course, Dahlia arose just after 6:00, couldn't find me, and almost called 911.  I heard her scampering and got upstairs soon enough to prevent that.  That was the start of the day.

Let's just say I didn't get enough sleep.  After the kids ate, I packed them up and brought them to my mom and dad's place.  That was great.  They had the kids for the rest of the day.  During the regular daytime hours, Barb and Kelly came over and we purged my house.  Yesterday was the garage and today was the basement and Leeland's room. They are so helpful and decisive about helping me decide what to throw out.  In the end, the basement looks really good. I am so thankful to them, and yet they are so happy to be helping me do what I need to do to move to Rainbow Falls.

The harder part came after they left.  Non-coincidentally, my new CD from Danah-Lee showed up in the mail today.  Happy Valentine's to me.  So around 4:00, I sat down to listen to the album and it started to speak to my heart.  Not only the lyrics, but Danah's voice is just the right kind of beautiful.  She could have been singing jibberish, and her voice would have touched that sadness in my soul.  Double lucky, her lyrics are spot on and closely mirror the thoughts and feelings I was having today.  Feelings of sorrow, losteness, regret, longing, suffering.  Danah bares her heart and soul in her 7 tracks and I listened to them over and over. As I listened, I cried. The music paired with some important reminders of my love with Melissa led to a sorrowful Valentine's.

We shared some major love.  Melissa trusted me with the deepest insecurities she had.  She allowed herself to be vulnerable.  I in turn was vulnerable with her and our love grew and was rewarded for that.  I missed that love so much today.  Having one of the lyrics in the songs repeat "Please come home" over and over really echoed my heart.  I wanted Melissa to come home.  I wanted to rewind and go back to those special moments that I had with her and got to share in because I was her husband and because she loved me, I got to see her flourish and grow and thrive. She got to see me and help face my insecurities as well. This was the way love was meant to be shared between man and wife. We weren't perfect by any stretch, but we did the love thing pretty right.

My personality is adaptive and so I'm sure to some it has seemed like I am strong and capable in this circumstance.  The truth is that I just cope well with change. When the reality of Melissa hits me in the chest again, it changes me.  I need to experience that sorrow.  Most of the time I am doing ok, but every once in a while, that deep sorrow comes and embraces me and I just grieve.  I want to thank Danah and her music for helping facilitate my evening of pain, and for being willing to express those feelings with her voice. I also want to thank Melissa for investing so much into me.

At the end of the night, a friend checked in on me to see if I was doing ok.  That was appreciated and undeserved.  Some of my friends are just solid and have hearts of gold.  I feel lucky to have friends like that who can just be with me and feel with me.  Anyway, I hope you had a good day and Happy Valentine's Day.

I Went Retreating

Experiencing the death of someone you love is traumatizing.  Although it turns out that I didn't experience the actual moment of my wife's death, I discovered it, called 911, and did CPR until firemen arrived to take over.  It is a blur and the images of it are still largely hidden from my mind. What happened next though kind of characterized the next 3 months of my life.  I came out of my 6 month old baby's room and Dahlia was standing naked in the washroom.  Immediately, in that instant, I had to shift gears to dad mode.  I could no longer be a panicked husband, but a father.  Oh, I did cry and got help and that week was a blur, but rarely in those first months was I alone with my thoughts.

After visiting a psychologist a couple of times, I became aware of how little processing time I had since my wife's death.  I could pinpoint times where a picture or a word or something had triggered my sadness and then my daughter or son would need something or start crying.  I would have an emotion while alone, and then a responsibility or a task would come to mind and abruptly trigger the end of that emotion.

I decided I needed a retreat.  This retreat would be an extended time away from my life to make space to experience my grief.  After consulting with friends and others, I decided to go to King's Fold Retreat Center.  I had never been there before, but many told me it was exactly the kind of place that I needed to head (it was). I contacted them and found out that they had about 4 days available to me.  I could arrive Monday morning and leave Friday afternoon. That was great, except I wanted to be gone for 9 days. Saturday until the following Sunday.  Nobody gave me a formula, it just seemed like it was what needed to be done.

A close friend gave me the name of a B & B in Crowsnest Pass and that provided for the first Saturday to Monday, and then I booked a SPA vacation for 2 with a friend in Banff for the following Friday to Sunday.  So if that sounds confusing.  The plan was to go to a B & B from Saturday until Monday, go to King's Fold Retreat Center from Monday to Friday, and then pick up a friend and go to Banff from Friday until Sunday.

Luckily for me, I had people around who could care for my kids.  Both my deceased wife's parents and my parents were able to take the kids for multiple days.  When the time arrived, I dropped the kids off at my parents' house and off I went to Crowsnest Pass.  I was armed with a couple of pictures, a laptop, a journal, and a book that I had been reading called Irresistible Revolution (highly recommended).  My thinking was that I would show up at the B & B, lock myself in my room, and cry.

It didn't quite go as planned.  First of all, when at a B & B, you have to leave for your other meals. The host was great for recommending places.  I actually had decent meals in that area of Alberta. Also, even though I quickly unlocked the keychain password on my wife's computer, I needed to unwind.  My brain needed time to cool down.  I ended up watching football both evenings I was there.  I looked at some pictures and had a few good cries, but I mostly enjoyed going out and eating. 

I went to a few establishments, sat at the bar, and enjoyed some really good food.  Twice the establishments were almost empty (very few people travel there in January) and I had great conversations with the bartender in one place and the restaurant owner in the other.  They were naturally curious why I was traveling around there in the winter and I had time to chat with them about it.  The beauty of it was that I had no timeline.  I could sit around and chat and drink as long as I wanted.  I had no goals or deadlines, I just got to be.  People have real lives and thoughts and when
you take the time to get to know them, you are both better for it.  The one lady was from the USA, divorced, living in BC, no support system, working in Alberta.  She was new to her job and obviously not living the life she had intended to live when she moved to Canada.  But she was surviving and glad to chat, since I was the only customer.  The restaurant owner I met introduced my to some Italian liqueur called Frangelico.  Yum.  He was from Italy and we had a great chat about life, death, how things pan out, etc.  I wish he had been willing to share a drink with me, but it was cool just to sit around and chat about his dreams and my dreams and our experiences.  It was good to connect with real people without an agenda.

Looking back on those first couple of days away, I think my body and brain were just able to slow down and prepare for the real work to come at King's Fold.  I also slept a lot.  I was allowed to.  I didn't owe anything to anybody. I also started praying and writing those prayers down. It seemed like the right thing to do and my prayer life had been pretty non-existent since my wife's passing.

I wrote this during that time. It is a reminder of how I felt:  "The pictures are a lot. I saw a woman who loved the moment and wanted to remember it.  Melissa made silly faces and often put herself out there. She wanted to believe that people loved her and that it was genuine. I loved her, but I didn't show her enough. It tears me up that she may have been just asking me to love her and show her and that I might not of. She deserved to be loved all of the time.  What a beautiful woman and a beautiful soul. She dreamed, she shared, she lived. She never gave up."

I concluded with a decision for myself: "Melissa was underappreciated by everyone. I want to stop underappreciating. I want to see the beauty. I want to appreciate what I have. I want to love better and be loved better. And I want to hear from you God."

That is why you write stuff down.  I have had to come to grips with the fact that there were times where I probably wasn't what Melissa deserved.  She was so hopeful and I could have done so much better. Strangely, once I voiced sentiments like that, there was an odd sense of peace that came over me. I think Melissa was with me reading that as I wrote it.  Telling me that she loved me. I didn't realize that until later upon reflection.  I just felt peace.

Sunday morning, I had a fantastic breakfast (seriously good, warm cherries with cream was the appetizer) and headed to the Frank Slide interpretive center.  I felt like exploring.  The Friday night before I left, a buddy of mine and I went to a show that a friend was putting on (props to Lighter than Arrows). They sang a song called 1903 and had a contest to see who could think of what it was about. It turns out it was about the Frank Slide.  I actually really enjoyed the interpretive center mainly to myself because it was Sunday and everyone else was in church (their words, not mine). I connected with the people who lost love ones and their stories and was inspired by the way people picked themselves up and continued on.  Women remarried, children grew up, the community came together. They picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and kept living.  I was inspired by the survivors of Frank Slide.

The rest of the day was lighter.  I went out for 2 meals. I went for a walk.  I watched some football. I got some sleep.  I felt calm. My brain had slowed down and I had written down distractions and worries that were clouding my mind so that I wouldn't have to think about them anymore.  By the time I awoke to another amazing breakfast on Monday morning, I was ready for the next step in my journey.  I loved my time in Crowsnest Pass and left it with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

I stopped in Cochrane for lunch and to pick up some headphones and made it to King's Fold around 2:00.  They welcomed me well and showed me around. There are a couple of things about retreats that I didn't realize.  First, they expect you to sleep a lot.  Second, people usually only come for a couple of days.  I didn't fit into either of those molds.  My time in Crowsnest Pass had allowed me to slow down already and I was there for 4 days. I just don't roll the same way that other people do.

My time was spent doing a variety of things over the next 4 days.  I read, I shared meals, I hiked, I prayed, I listened to music, and I wrote. By the end they made reference to me being a permanent fixture at the center because I had been there for so long. There are a number of things that happened while I was there, but  I want to highlight 3.  The weather was so nice for the first couple of days.

The first thing I did when I got settled, is I went on a prayer walk.  It is called the Road to Emmaus prayer walk.  This is a walk that some disciples did after Jesus had died.  There are about 8 stops along this short trail talking about how various disciples and Jesus's friends reacted to his death.  I know it was about Jesus, but I found myself connecting to their feelings.  How did I feel after Melissa died.  Alone, hopeless, dream crushed, many of the same emotions.  As I went along crying and feeling the emotions, I came to one that quoted Jesus saying that he needed to go away so that the Holy Spirit could come.  The Holy Spirit would be our guide and counselor and comforter. In that moment I realized that I was currently ignoring that aspect of my journey of God.  I prayed right there in the little chapel long and deep that the Holy Spirit would be more present in my life and that I would open my ears to hear and understand. 

On a whim, I took a different path that led downhill to some crosses and followed the other prayer walk backwards toward the center.  As I was doing that I encountered a massive bull that just stared at me.  I took a picture in case it tried to end me so that people would know what had happened.

On Tuesday, I went on an adventure. I wore my big snow boots. There is a path across the river that wraps around and ends up opening onto a meadow for a while until it cuts back in.  I missed the cut back in. I walked the length of the hill along the meadow and ended up on the wrong side of the hill. I decided to follow the river back and headed out hoping and pretty confident I was headed the right way.  I ended up blazing my own path for over an hour and a half, sometimes doubting myself along the way and watching the sun slowly disappear behind the mountains.  At long last I saw that I was close to the camp, but found myself on an island in the middle of the river without a way to get to the bridge I needed to get back to the camp.  I took a risk, tried to stand on an iced over log, and fell in.  That's right, in the middle of January, I fell into the cold river, but made it where I needed to go and back to the center with soaking wet clothes and boots.  No frostbite. That was a fun story to share at dinner that evening that I barely made it in time for.

I shared that story because it was spiritual for me.  I felt like my adventure paralleled my current life situation.  I was out in the wilderness and got lost.  I was on a different path than everyone else.  I am making my own path and way to the destination.  God has gifted me.  He has given me wisdom and talent and ability to assess situations. I may be blazing my own trail, but I'm going to make it.  I need to believe that I have what it takes.  Looking back, I am reassured.  I am reassured that I have the skills I need to be a good dad, person, leader. Sometimes you just need that confidence booster and I think that is what I got, but it was spiritual confidence.

Wednesday and Thursday, I spent a lot of time in my room going through pictures both digital and actual pictures.  It turned out that Melissa kept journals while she was on her Continentals tours and her mission trips.  I was immersed in the world of Melissa before I knew her and definitely before we started dating.  There were hopeful love stories with boys and with God throughout.  The beauty of having read those was I saw this hope in her that someday a guy would see in her what she saw in herself and what she knew God saw in her.  Let's say none of the guys panned out, but she didn't give up.  I'm so glad that she clung to that hope. I rejoice that I saw her.

Thursday lunch at King's Fold is eaten silently.  Everyone sits around and looks at each other but doesn't say anything.  I saw the humor in it.  A mother and her 2 girls showed up during lunch.  It was the most awkward thing because one person went and whispered to them and then they came and sat down but I had to greet the lady who sat with me with a wave and a nod.  These people ended up being significant though.  That evening, I had made it through all the material I had and was interested in conversation and these 3 ladies were playing Catan in the dining hall.  I joined them and just hung out for a couple of hours.  They were great people and super easy to hang out with.  I learned about them, they learned about me. It was good.

The next morning, at breakfast, the mom asked if they could pray for me.  Her and her daughter had woken super early, feeling the need to pray for me.  They had prayed for me then and wanted to pray for me in person.  I never say no to people praying for me, so they caught up to me around 9:30.  They prayed for me and then the older daughter told me that she felt like she needed to tell me that "my wife loves me." It was kind of weird I'll be honest, but I accepted it and after I thanked them and exchanged contact info, they left.  This is not something that happens often at this place from what I gather.  People just kind of keep to themselves. This was special though and I knew it when I looked at my phone and I had a voicemail.  The voicemail was from the medical examiner's office telling me that had the final result in on why Melissa had died.  Until this point, I only had vague information.

This was sensitive for me.  Pretty much this result signified my ability to move forward in my life with the dreams I feel like I have for myself and my family.  Later in the day I was at my parents' (you never know what the examiner is going to say, so I made sure I was near family) and I found out that Melissa had had a heart failure.  This brought me closure. I felt freedom.  I understood that a big part of my retreat was for me to realize that Melissa would always love me, and I her, but that  I was allowed to move forward. I felt a calm and peace about life.

The last part of my time away was shared with a friend who needed to get away as well.  We went to Banff, ate, drank, enjoyed a SPA day complete with massage, facial massage, and pedicures (won't do a pedicure again).  We ate good food and drank good drinks.  By the end of Saturday night, I was ready to stay in (policy to not stumble out of the hotel), but my buddy went out anyway.  I had a very lonely night.  I think the physical touch that came with the massages really made me miss that.  There are very few people that I wouldn't have snuggled that night. It was good I stayed in.  The takeaway for me from that night was just a reminder that I'm allowed to move forward and onward, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy.

God never promised me easy.  I wish he had, but he didn't.  What He has showed me is that I can survive, learn, improve, and push forward toward a good life. Melissa taught me about hope, and now I can have hope.  Hope that there are good things yet to come.  And trust me, I've already experienced so many of those good things.  Thank you Melissa.

What is a Friend?

Hi People... welcome to the New Journey

So life has brought me to this place where it seems like it is time to hash my thoughts out again through writing.  My marriage and relationship with my wife provided me with the outlet and friend who I could talk about pretty much anything with.  My wife's and my marriage was a beautiful one full of love and honesty.  Actually, my wife was probably the more brutally honest one.  I had a way with words to very gently share constructive feedback.  But what we did have was the ability for there to be nothing out of bounds.  We could talk about anything. I miss that completely.

My wife's death brought people out of the woodwork.  Some of them I expected.  Some of them I didn't.  For instance, I probably heard from every ex-girlfriend since high school (wrong, there are a couple I didn't hear from... better that way). What I did not expect is who emerged as my go to people.  The move just over 2 years ago to a new smaller city on the outskirts of the old one changed my wife's and my life forever.  The summer of 2017, my wife and I tried out a new church and found a fountain of loving caring people who quickly became part of our lives.  We actually didn't return to the previous church again.  We weren't angry, but my wife found herself an immediate best friend who you could almost say she had been waiting her whole life for.  The year after can only be described as one the hardest but best years of my wife's life because of the friendships she made at our church.

I similarly connected immediately with a bunch of the guys at our new church. My relationships did not go as deep or as strong as my wife's, but guys take a while to warm up.  I continued to attend a Men's group at my old church and still do to this day.  It's funny how things work. As married couples, usually the wives make the connections and then the guys have survive a couple of play dates as couples before they start to really become friends. Actually, a shared experience is what really grows the bonds between guys.

Anyways, back to the topic.  I miss being able to share my mind and my heart with my wife. As a result I'm looking for others.  As I have traveled this widower journey I've taken note of the friend landscape and it has changed a lot. If I had made a list of people who would be there for me 2 years ago and then compared it to the people who are actually a part of my life right now, you would think it is 2 different people.  It isn't for a lack of reaching out by the old friends either, life just moves forward and changes and makes different kinds of sense. I had a few friends invite me out for a couple of events with old friends, but my heart wasn't there.  They aren't my people anymore.

This got me to thinking about the following questions.  And has me wondering where people sit in my circle now and what the value of each circle is.

How personal and how honest and how vulnerable can you be with your friends?

What qualifies a person as a friend? An acquaintance? a good friend? a best friend? family? a friend with benefits?

Maybe we will leave that last one out.  One of my people mentioned FWB as a message on a dating app that was using and I briefly tried to convince that person that at least they would get a friend out of it.  That possibility was a complete scratch.

Before I get into details, I want to share a few things about myself.  I have not always found it easy to make friends. I guess you could say I was a little snobby and a little nerdy.  Most of my friend making ability was tied to my confidence.  A traumatic grade 6 plummeted my confidence and I became super overly sensitive to social situations.  I avoided situations where I wasn't comfortable and confident and invested completely where I was comfortable.  What that did was limit my potential friend pool and my opportunities for real deep relationships. 

Looking back, my mentor and youth pastor was probably the best friend that I had back then. Unfortunately, that is kind of a one-sided relationship and so I lacked the best friends I longed for.  I had some good friends in some of the girls from my church, but the guys weren't super interested in deeper conversations and so we just did a lot of hanging out. On our mission trips, I saw glimpses of deeper, more meaningful relationships, but those often didn't flourish.

It wasn't until college that my ability to make some stronger friendships grew.  Moving out of my parents's house forced me to be active in the community that I was in whether I had similar values or not.  I can look at those 4 1/2 years in the city to the north and see how my ability to relate to people changed and I made my first 3 best friends by the end of that time.  I learned something about having real committed relationships and my first experiences of committed love.  I also made my fair bit of mistakes and probably hurt a few people along the way.

What I would like to recognize is that it isn't easy to make friends and keep them.  It involves a common resolve by both parties to put the effort in.  That can be really hard to find.

I feel like there are a few aspects to relationships.  Time, longevity, reciprocity, intentionality, vulnerability, investment.

The combinations of these can be wild.  There is the type of relationship where you can spend a ton of time with a person and hardly talk about anything.  For example, a coworker type relationship where you spend tons of time together, but all you ever do is talk or complain about work and know very little else about that person.  The time is there, but it's of little use to you. I would say that is an acquaintance.  Another type of acquaintance is like the neighbor you say hi to when you see them and you may or may not know their name.  I can't tell you the name of my neighbors honestly.  They all kind of stay to themselves and I didn't even know they knew that Melissa had died until the last couple of week when a couple of them said something.

Let's just say that time does not equal friendship.

Now longevity I value.  I would classify a bunch of the people who came to Melissa's memorial as friends still.  Even if we aren't spending time together and hanging out together anymore, what we had all those years back is still valued and we still share a genuine hope and concern for each other. Other people who I would consider friends are people who i can actually spend some time with and actually do some activities or go to a hockey game or something like that with.  Friends are people that have an interest in you and you can dialogue with about life.  They are people that you want and like to spend time with.  Do they know about your doubts about God?  Do they know your deepest fears?  Probably not... and if they did, it has probably changed because they are one of those friends who kind have lasted the test of time.  Friends stand the test of time, otherwise maybe they weren't friends.

This is where my thoughts are at, so I am rolling with it.

Now the rest of the mentioned aspects seem tied to deeper friendships and relationships. Reciprocity, intentionality, vulnerability, investment.  

Reciprocity in a friendship/relationship seem important. There needs to be give and take.  It can't always be one person giving and one person taking or one person sharing and one person listening.  One sided relationships are unhealthy and give control to one partner in that relationship.  It is more like a parent relationship.  Sometimes we forced to endure those unequally balanced relationships in our families.  I don't permit those anywhere else. I've had them, but I'm kind of done with them. In my opinion, a good friend will give and take.  They will share what's going on with them and will also listen to what is going on with you.  If there is advice, it is going both ways. It is reciprocal. I'd say that it is necessary to go anywhere beyond a friend.  Anyone who is a "good friend" has this.

For me, one of the divider lines between friend and good friend is how intentionally you are about being friends.  Do you just show up at all of the same gatherings, or are you trying to intentionally encounter each other?  Best friends do that.  They make time for each other.  They look for and plan to spend time interacting and sharing and growing together.  For instance, I often have childcare for Leeland on Wednesday mornings. I will often try to go for breakfast on Wednesday mornings with people who are my good friends or with people who I hope will be my good friends.  There is kind of a blur there.  This is going to sound weird, but I kind of test drive friends to see if they will be good friends.  I try to be intentional a couple of times, try to show a little vulnerability and wait to see if it is reciprocated.  Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.  

Wednesday mornings don't always work, but there are other people who have different times that work.  My Fridays have kind of become a game night for me where I am looking to get out of the house.  I have one friend who I regularly visit on Friday nights to play games with them and their kids.  Nerd alert: Friday I went and played games with a friend and some of his buddies and played some Dungeons and Dragons.  For now, that particular friend is a good friend and the others are acquaintances, but I appreciated the intentional time we put in. You will be shocked to hear that I put more intentionality into friendships that I want to see grow than ones I am indifferent about.

Major bonus points to friends who call me and try to hang out.  Shout out to you people. If you aren't good friends, you are well on your way to being them.  There is major emphasis at my church on living life together.  People that are trying to do that with me are ascending the friend ranks, that is for sure. Take note, if you want to show me that you want to be closer friends with me, try to intentionally spend some time with me.  Some of my closest friends can attest to the fact that I make contact a lot, but if it is always me, that friendship won't feel intentional and our status may change.

Now that makes it sound like there are lists of people who are sitting in a category.  There is no such list.  If someone comes to mind, I can probably at least place them somewhere, but I haven't yet.

I think the biggest hindrance to deeper friendships is people's fear of getting hurt.  I have definitely been hurt in various friendships and relationships and have carried insecurities around that for a long time. The trouble is that trust is a lot easier to break than to build.  Sometimes it can take a long time until I feel comfortable being any kind of vulnerable with another person (if it ever happens). I've played the game and patiently waited for those moments often to find out the other person has zero interest in that.  Previously, I have kept those people around just to have them around.

With my best friend and wife recently stripped away, it stripped away my patience with people who I can't trust.  I have very little interest in surface relationships (acquaintances) anymore.  I only have so much time to live and there are important things to do and know. Mutual vulnerability is the most important part to a deep friendship or relationship.  If I tell someone something personal to me, a goal, a fear, an honest thought, I am trusting the other person to respect that thought. Ideally, that person shares something personal that requires some trust in me as well.

Imagine you tell a friend that you are secretly scared of heights.  That friend laughs at you and tells you that the fear is irrational and pretty much tells you that this legit fear that you have is stupid.  Does that build trust in your friend? Do you want to share something else personal with that person? No... you don't.  Another thing that happens is you share something personal and that person just glosses over it and pretends that they didn't hear it.  That definitely doesn't inspire trust and thus stalls that friendship from progressing.  Acknowledging that you heard what was being said is key.

I think a lot of people have a sixth sense about the value of a relationship.  Some people may call it discernment.  I just know sometimes that I should get to know someone better.  Rarely am I wrong about this. 

I have made some good friends with some unlikely people in the last 4 months. The most common thread has been that these people have been through some similar type of loss.  Those who have experienced loss understand many of the feelings I am having and seem to appreciate sharing out of their own experiences with me.  When that type of vulnerability happens, trust is built and I now have a foundation for a good friendship.

Don't get me wrong.  Although I'm a math teacher, I don't have a formula for this.  I'm just looking back on things and realizing what has happened.  This has come about for me out of experience and doing what I needed to survive.  What I love about it is that although my friendship pool has changed, I am experiencing some rich friendship and deep discussion.  I am having the chance to be an encouragement to others and be encouraged.

This last factor is touchy.  I put this on the list because I believe is what really pushes things over the top.  It's the investment that a person makes. If you have 2 people investing in their friendship / relationship, you are headed for a really strong relationship.  When I say investing, I mean showing that you believe in them.  It can literally mean investing in their company or idea.  It could also mean investing time and energy into their well being or their stuff.  Betting on them.  When people have other people in their corner believing in them, that makes for really strong relationship.

I recently talked to someone about this and they told me it is really important to them not to feel obligated to reciprocate.  They dislike receiving... they don't like the silent contract involved.

I get this, but if you end up in a relationship where people are investing in each other because they believe in each other, not because they are looking for returns, you end up with an ultimate relationship.  With Melissa, we invested in her education... she almost became a counselor.  I also invested in her wellness, her spiritual growth, things that fulfilled her.  I know I'm describing a married couple, but when you invest in each other, you know you are loved and valued and that grows that relationship and erases doubt about it.

I'm going to finish this off by thanking people who have been super long lasting friends and who reached out when tragedy struck.  It mattered.  I want to say thank you to my family who have been there for me more than anyone else in the last 4 months and for constantly providing me with opportunities to connect with other adults. I want to say thank you to the people who have become my closest friends.  By the end of this post, you will probably know where you fit with me too.

Are all the factors present in our friendship or in your other ones?

I literally have put no research into this... it is all just tumbling out of my head. I hope it rings true for you and that you consider the types of friendships and relationships you are fostering.  If you can't find anyone I'm making new friends right now.  Tell me your story. Spend time with me.  Maybe you are my next best friend.

I don't know where this blog is going to go from here.. but step one is putting something out there again.  Special thanks to the friend who inspired me to get back to this. It felt good.

Align my thoughts

Melissa and I are going to date, unless something drastic changes.  I have been surprisingly quiet with my friends about this possibility.  For some reason, I have felt it more necessary to bring it to God than to my friends.  I am very motivated at the moment to get my life in check with God.  Because I realize that ultimately, I should be getting back into the word and devotional life for myself and God, I will be praying that God will switch my motivation to that.

It is crazy how quickly 2 people can fall for each other.  I seriously want to wait anymore, but know that in a relationship that could be serious and long-term and could end in marriage, small careful steps is appropriate and taking things carefully is needed.  I need to be a good leader and decision maker in this process.

I'm really not exactly sure what to do next, I should be praying.  I think it would be unfair to continue to spend time with her and talk as deeply with her as I have been without a commitment, which I feel I am in the place to give.  But, we need to probably meet more of my friends and her friends and spend some time with some other people together so that we see each other in our social lives.  I'll talk to her about it sometime soon.

Michelle called me.  She is still going to help me plan:  Thank God.  Also, I am still going out to camp today to do a tour and to show Fred our plans for the race.  I'll probably show up for the kids rodeo as well which starts at 3.  Well, that is it for now... just a quick need to align my thoughts for today.

Changes in the wind...

Well, I have a couple of things to address:

First, the visit from Mike, Kindra, and Peyton.  Peyton is one of the cutest kids I have ever seen... We went out for dinner, and I had no idea what to expect going in.  Mike was my best friend for my first few years at Taylor, but when he started dating my ex-girlfriend, we kind of quickly ran out of conversation material.  So, when they said they wanted to come visit, I wasn't sure what to expect.  I had seen Kindra once since we had broken up, and it was extremely awkward at the time.  They came on Wednesday.  It turned out, it was like catching up with old friends.  Kindra even brought up the Winnie the Pooh prank, and we laughed about it a bit.  Long story short, I feel like I reconnected with a couple of friends.  Going in, I knew it would either be like that or super awkward and the end of a friendship.  I'm glad it went the way it did...

I recently cancelled my trip to Newfoundland.  After talking to Robyn, I realized that if I am going to drop $600 on a trip, I want it to be full of adventure and excitement and have good times with people who want to be around me.  That was no longer going to happen for various reasons that I won't get into.  Anyways, I now have to decide what to do with that week that I took off.  Should I just work?  Should I travel somewhere else?  I guess I'll just have to go with my gut.  I'm not sure what it is telling me.  It makes me a little sad that I can't go have the adventure I thought I was going to have...  Oh well, what can I do?

Last night, I read a message from Michelle, who I've been working on the Amazing race with, and she just out of the blue decided that she can't afford to take a week off and needs to work to pay back her parents some money.  This is scary for me.  It kind of leaves me in charge of the Amazing race and Evening program on my own.  Up until now, I was kind of along for the ride, and was going to be able to take on the responsibilities of in the moment explanations and back-up leadership.  I am quite scared and realize that I am going to have to rely on God now to get thru this.  I'm not sure even where to start.  We were supposed to be going out to camp tomorrow to tour the course of the race, I guess I may still have to get out there alone, and get on things.

On a positive note, I had a pre-dating date with Melissa on Thursday starting right after work.  We went for a walk, ate left-overs at my place, and then chatted until about 11.  We haven't scared each other off, and I am really enjoying spending time with her.  Her character is godly.  This is a woman who deserves the best.  She also really likes me, it seems, and manages to encourage me a ton.  I also met up with her yesterday after work.  She was out with her ex-roommate and the girl she was out with wanted to meet me.  So, I came by and hung out for a bit.  Melissa was a bit apologetic to me, because her old roommate tried to grill me a bit.  She didn't need to apologize.  I really enjoy spur of the moment things and off the cuff, thinking on my feet, conversations.

So, in conclusion, my day off today will involve lots of thinking, planning, and preparation for what God has in store for me over this summer:

"I need to rely on You, God, thru the good times, the bad times, and the ugly times.  You alone grant grace and mercy and I pray that you grant me both in the months ahead."

I also checked out a sermon series that I should footnote here so that others can check it out.  I watched the first sermon, and plan on watching the other 10 sometime soon.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess

it is a good site so far.  Anyways, signing off for now.

Long weekend to remember

Well, this is probably one of the best long weekends that I have ever had...

It began with the rehearsal on Friday, the wedding on Saturday, the gift opening on Sunday.  After that I spent some time with some cousins I hadn't seen in a while, some friends who appreciate me and a day of staying in bed until 10:30, playing a game of Catan over at Melissa's, seeing Wolverine, and eating at Eastside Mario's.  That, in my opinion, makes for a pretty stinking good long weekend.

I have to get up by 6 tomorrow again, and back to work and done with the fun, but I do need to update a few things.  First, it seems like Robyn has dropped off the face of the planet.  I hear a tidbit every once in a while, but I have no idea if she is still down for me coming to visit.  Second, I guess I'm waiting until after my trip to NL, but I think I may end up pursuing a deeper relationship with Melissa.  I am really enjoying spending time with her and she really has a great attitude about life.  I'm pretty tired now, so this is all, but maybe I'll get some more in tomorrow.

Ps. Looking forward to Bible shopping with Bailey tomorrow.  Nothing is better than a really good Bible.

Exams were passed...

So today, was a good day!  My job at the church, it turns out, is going to be mostly outdoor maintenance.  I get to make the place look better from the outside.  This excites me because I should get to work outside a lot.  It also means I should be getting a lot of exercise and sun.

Next topic:  I passed all of my classes!!!  I got a B, a C+, and a C-.  Those are all passing marks.  Now granted, you always want to do a little better than a C-, but under the circumstances leading up to my finals, I will gladly take a pass.  So now, what remains is a visit to the school to assign some classes from my transfer to my program, and to make sure student loans board knows that I am going back to school in the fall.

I had an interesting offer today.  Melynda asked if I would be willing to move in with her and Rachel in the case that her brother moves out.  She was part serious, but there is still a lot of thinking that would have to go into a decision like that... including a consultation with Rachel.  I never expected any kind of offer like that, and so I really didn't know what to say at the initial suggestion.  I know what it could look like, and considering the history I have with Rachel, it may not be the wisest move for me.  However, I don't have to say yes or no to that right now.  There is a lot of life to live before that kind of decision has to be made.

Other thoughts... I think I may have been sun-burned today.  My head is really hot.  I have no idea where Robyn and I stand.  She hasn't been communicating with me hardly at all... although, she is spending a last hurrah! with her Newfie friends.  I feel quite busy still, and yet every night that I don't have anything planned, I wish that I did.  Hopefully worship practice will end soon and I will be able to go out with those folks.  It feels really hot in here.  I feel good from all the exercise I got today.  Peace!

Goodbye Grandma!

Well, I'm back from Sask.  It was a really different funeral for me.  I had done all of my crying beforehand.  My grandmother was in a lot of pain, and I'm glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore.  I know she is in a better place.  I kind of feel like she was being tortured.  She was trapped in her body as it was slowly breaking down, and there was no escape.  I saw her for years constantly struggling with how to cope with life like that.  In the end she was a little cookoo, and I don't blame her.  I think I would have been too.

Tomorrow, I start work.  I need to be there at 7:00am.  That is early.  However, I am a morning person.  I will probably wake around 6:00am which should give me enough time to get to work.  This is pretty exciting.

I've been meeting new people lately which is always a thrill for me.  I like to meet new people, and see who they are and I always think about how I can positively influence people who I meet.  Every once in a while, there is someone I meet who kind of stands out as someone worth getting to know better and more personally.  I wonder if it is that way for everyone?  I wonder if people think that about me.  I hope so.  I hope that there are people out there who meet me and think it is worth getting to know me better and find me intriguing and wonder how they can positively effect my life.  I know that tons of people remember me.  I guess I'm just memorable.

I had a good hair day!  I haven't had one of those in a while.  I think the key was not brushing my hair.  Anyways,  I guess that is it for now.  I should get some sleep.  Goodbye Grandma!!

My weekend...

So, I spent some time yesterday reading over my old posts.  I have been thru a lot of stuff since Taylor.  I can be pretty dramatic too.  Isn't is funny how people can deal with something, and forget they did.  I also really needed to address the topic of women a lot.  I'm going to go ahead and be done with that for now.

Today, is a big day for my brother.  We are having a wedding party football party and then we are having a bachelor party for my brother.  Initially, I was supposed to be in charge of that; however, some of the other groomsmen took it on eventually.  I was going thru some rough stuff and they picked up the slack.  I really need to thank those guys.

Anyways, once that is done, we are planning on leaving for Saskatchewan tomorrow.   I am on the list of drivers for the rented minivan, so I will be doing lots of driving.  We should get back on Tuesday.  I hung out with an old friend from Taylor, and it was so good to catch up.  She really has turned into a great person.  I hope we stay in touch (should be easier since she is in Calgary).

I'm a pretty strong guy, and the idea that stuff I do in my daily life is worth doing, makes my life worth living.  It doesn't always seem like that, but if it got away from that, it would be a lot harder to keep going on and pushing forward.

One comment:  I recently realized, I need to leave Robyn alone.  I am a great catch, and it is up to her or some other girl to realize that.  She is missing out.

I have really enjoyed hanging out with the friends a lot more.  We've been having a lot of fun...

I guess this is it until I get back from Sask.

Peace, love, and joy!!

Semi-Freedom

Well, hello again people.  I wrote my last exam for the semester!  Woohoo!  Boy it feels good to get that out of my mind and behind me.  My next week coming up here is really busy, so I need to make the most of today for rest.

Last night, I woke up at 3:45 in the morning.  I think I went to sleep before midnight.  Maybe that was the problem.  Anyways, I spent some time with God and in God's word because, honestly, there was nobody else up.  What are you supposed to do with that?  I read some Bible and truth and prayed to God until I fell back asleep.  It was real different and genuine.  I felt like without saying anything really, I was just kind of opening up my mind to God and allowing Him to see what was in it and do a little of what he wanted with it.

I think we as humans don't give God enough freedom to have his way in our minds sometimes.  We are too worried about things and kind of close God out of it.  Last night was different.  I felt like I was open to what God might try to tell me and I managed to not get distracted by other things...  If you are a guy, you know what I am talking about.

So someday, I think I will go into some detail about what guys face everyday.  Not today.

I'm hoping that today turns out well.  I'm hoping to get together for coffee with an old friend from Taylor.  Peace.

Another random update

So, I have one exam left, at the end of my first year in taking my Math degree!!  I realize that the blog I wrote quite a while ago, when I was 24, was right.  I have progressed well beyond the 21 year old version of University.  Man, I show up in time for class, and leave as soon as I am done.  I don't want to be a part of the University culture, and I don't feel bad about it at all.

The truth is:

It is necessary for me to take and pass these tests in order for me to become a teacher someday.

Did I just say that????

Yes, for the past year and a bit, I have known what I want to do!!  I want to be a teacher!! Preferably, a High School Math teacher.

I know that I still have some years to go before I get there, but I really think that is the best place for me to start.  I want to have the time and venue to not only teach kids some math skills, but to teach some kids life skills and be able to be an example for them.

It is amazing what having that kind of a direction in your life can do for you.  At the moment, I tutor a grade 10 math student.  Next year, I think I may get some more students to teach.  I feel good about what I'm up to, and I'm not always questioning my every move.  I know it may take time and effort, and I may not start teaching until I'm 30ish, but it will be worth it.  It will be worth it for me and it will be worth it for the kids.

Bonus:  I still get to volunteer at camp in the summer!!

In other news, I recently had a really great relationship with a really special woman.  Her name is Robyn.  Now, unfortunately, we had to break up.  It was rushed and our lives are headed in different directions.  However, that was the first time in a long time that I have been able to commit that deeply to a relationship.  My heart and soul was behind it.  I was all out and was working through some fears and issues that were obviously there.

In another note, we didn't doing anything regrettable in our time together.  It was healthy and respectful.  I realized, again, that I am a pretty good catch, and that waiting for those extremely special women who make your heart leap is worth it.  Also, I realized, that it is when you aren't looking for anything and you aren't reaching and hanging on for dear life, that God puts those people there.

The last 3 weeks or so... were really tough for me.  I was sad and depressed would be a good way to describe it.  On top of the break-up, my grandma died.  I wish I could have said some last words to her.  However, I have snapped out of that funk and am thru my 2 worst exams of the semester.  Life is looking pretty bright and promising, and I know that God has a plan for me and I can't wait to see what it involves.  Well, that is all for now!!