The Recant...

It is funny how it can be so easy to say something and so difficult to take it back. Sometimes, I get way out of line and say stuff that isn't fair, right, or true. There are millions of excuses, but nothing can excuse me complaining about a friend who I care about. Friends are for caring about people and supporting them. I sorry to the people who responded whatever or meh to something I said that was important to me. You probably didn't realize I took offense to it. I'm sorry for the people I blasted for their treatment of me, and how I felt I got treated. They didn't realize that I felt that way. I am really just sorry for being a jerk and aloof. For not communicating. I'm sorry if someone feels ditched. I don't respond well to criticism and take some things way too personally when I shouldn't. A nasty trait in myself is that I don't like to be wrong. I criticize others for that, but can't take it. This leaves me in a real tough place. Unfortunately, I have to head for work. I would like to end by saying, geez I'm sorry. . . . . I hope I don't lose friends. I would delete the last blog, but it is said and done, and has done it's damage, I wish I could just delete it. It hit the heart though. Gosh, I'm such a jerk. I'm doing into hiding......

Unsaid.

Hey y'all. I have become more busy since I started dating Meghan. I probably see her like 3 or 4 times a week. Some would think that is excessive... I try not to let it be though. Other evenings I go visit my sister's house and watch hockey. Other nights I am tired and retire early. I have made a new commitment... washing the dishes in the morning and also 2 mornings a week my brother and I are going to play squash. My butt hurts a lot right now. Anyways, I am finding now, that often being a friend means putting up with a lot of crap and often means getting trampled on. For me, being a friend means that you are there for a person, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and sacrifice. A friend goes out of their way, and makes extra effort to say hi to and care about how someone is. I am a friend to a lot of people. Some people may think differently, but this is my opinion. There is a lot of people I care about and try to be there for them.

SO here is my big problem right now!

Everyone is having a rough life, and needs to focus on dealing with their own stress and problems. This means that nobody cares about or has time to care about me. In fact, I don't bother telling most people how I feel or what is going on, because I will get a response like "Whatever." "Meh." or an attempt to identify with me by throwing their own bigger, more important struggle that I end up in turn caring for them about. This is one thing that I really like about Meghan, among many. We can sit in a quiet room, and I can talk and she will listen, and be interested in what I am saying. It nice every once in a while for someone to hear what I am saying.

I have had great conversations with people where I have left feeling like crap, because something I said offended them without me even realizing it. It is not a nice thing when the memory that someone has of you for a time of hanging out is the one or two things that you said wrong or did wrong within the entire time span. Hey, I am definitely not perfect. I have many flaws, and almost have someone remember or point out pretty much every one of them. I am getting really sick of people constantly analysing my actions or choices. Sometimes I feel like a moviestar without any upside. People just pick out my flaws and gossip about them. I am not saying that is quite true and am not making particular accusations, but I do feel that way. I had a bad day today, who cares? I got the pity aw from a couple of people, but I came home tonight from the hockey game and my mom got in my face with a comment about the dishes not getting washed this morning. Sorry, I was at the car wash until work mom. Oh yeah, well, make sure they get done tomorrow morning. I had a crappy day today.

On another note, I wonder how long it will take for me to crack. It has been a few years here of feeling under pressure from people. People always questioning my decisions and what not. Maybe God is trying to prepare me for being a pastor. The problem is that my rest isn't really rest. It is more like putting things that are bothering me off.

So here is something I really need to deal with. The problem is that it will probably infuriate someone. So I hope not to offend that person, but this is my blog and sometimes I need to say something. I have a friend who demands perfection of me. I am supposed to read that person's mind, abide by the schedule, never say anything offensive, and be there to hear out and care about every problem that person has. I haven't been doing all this lately, so I am downgraded to second class friend. My actions and how they are interpreted decide what my friend status with this person is. Now, I feel for this person, and I cannot even imagine being in this person's position. The problem is that I never say anything because it is always a bad time to say something. I can't ever bother defending myself, because I am trying to defend myself against someone else's interpretation. My own interpretation is often quite different. I have every once in a while made myself very available for this person and been stomped on afterwards, almost wishing that I hadn't made that time for that person. From what I know, friendships that last are 2 sided. I almost wonder sometimes how long this one is going to last. I really care, I just need to be encouraged as I encourage.

The last thing I want to say is that almost nobody ever calls me. Maybe they think I am always busy or something. I think that I am going to have t oget a cellphone soon so that I can always be available. I have friends who hurt but refuse to call anyone. I am usually willing to stop whatever I am doing to before somewhere for someone. I love to do that. I don't get the opportunity very often, because people don't turn to me anymore. Ah well... I have no idea what all this means right now, but I will think more about it.

This is the last thing that I am going to say: Please cut me some slack!! I am not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. But let something slide. Let me screw up without it being thrown in my face. Maybe try to see something from where I am. I try, really hard. That is all that a friend can do. Please pray for me too... Things are starting to build up inside, things that I don't even see coming and only see rare glimpses of. Goodnight!!!

Touch can Torch!!

Alrighty, time to recover from a long absence of thought searching. Currently, I am going on dates with a woman who I have come to really like. A girl that I didn't see coming and who when I first met I had no intention of liking. Maybe that is how it always works... won't be taking time to think about that right now. Anyways, it has been enjoyable. It has been different. Although we are not dating yet, there has been boundaries made when we are together. My last couple of relationships I have stumbled into grey areas and beyond as far as physical expression of love. So, this time, although with extremely great difficulty, there is and will be more definite boundaries. Now, if you are reading this, I really ask you to consider this in your own relationships. The greatest way to show respect (very important), is to not get overly physically intimate in a relationship before engagement and marriage. Although it may at the time be a way to show your care and love, if you don't stay together, it more so shows that you took advantage of a situation that you weren't sure of. I know that I have hurt girls and have been hurt in the past, just because we were unable to use appropriate self-control. What I think is going to happen is that we are going to have to make consequences for breaching boundaries, that are pretty severe. If I can't respect a boundary before I get married, then what does that say about my trustworthiness and discipline. It make be extremely aggravating and frustrating, but I think it is the best way to approach a person you like or love. It will also be a judge of how much the other person respects you. The other thing that will be benificial out of that is that it may aid you in avoiding difficult circumstances in the first place. If you know that self-control is difficult, you may need to take actions to even avoid situations. Look at Joseph running half-naked. He knew how to avoid getting past a boundary he had for himself. Anyways, it is going to be hard.

Other comments: Isn't funny, how timing is everything? I once had about a 5 and a half year crush on someone that seesawed back and forth without us actually getting together. The truth was that she liked me a good protion of that time too. The timing was just never right. Would it be easier with people were maybe able to take a little more risk and be a little more honest... Maybe the timing would be more bang on sometimes. Anyways, Other things to mention, I am eventually going to write my paper, tomorrow I am going to begin my quest to write a 30 page paper that is going to change lives. Pray for me... I really struggle with the motivation part of that. What else is up??? I cannot read poetry for the life of me...! I tried so hard. Pretty much the only good poetry that I have found to read is written by Taryn. She writes some awesome stuff. So, getting back to the job has been encouraging. The kids are way better behaved now. They seem to have mellowed a bit. Melynda's little brother is going to be volunteering with us on and off which is a total relief to me. I am really excited about tackling the new year. I'll getting back to this more now that my schedule isn't full of vacation fun and festivities and all my friends are busy most of the day again. Exclusively, Ben